My New Plan by Ben Knoll

Starting next week, I will also be starting the rest of my life. The Rest of My Life includes:

• Applying for grad schools. I need to start my research again.
• Uh, I guess apply for a voice over class. I still have the money saved for that.

Why have I been putting these off, you may ask? I don't know; I've been pretty consistently in shows for a while (hurray!) and focusing on my job hunt (uh, boo) and after Ben Franklin is over, it will be the first break from a show I've had in... wow... 6 months? 9 months? It's been a long time. And now with the break in sight, I'll focus on my further future, rather than just the short future (which includes more shows! woohoo!).

Also: I have a bump on my nose. I think its a weird form of skin weirdness. If it breaks off (which it does sometimes), it bleeds, and it also hurts. Then it grows back. It is a weird skin thing, for sure.

Change In Me

Several things I need to accomplish today:

1. Write the review for The Full Monty. Micro review: wicked awesome.
2. Call unemployment about check that's a few days late.
3. Profit.
4. Probably take a shower.

I'm going to try and write some of the review on google docs; I used the site before when I was working on my UNLV paper. Gosh, that was actually a pretty good paper, now that I'm looking back at it. In retrospect though, it needs a little work on it, and that's what I've been doing for the past 20 minutes. Fixing some issues, changing some sentence structure. You know, the usual thing that I would have done if the paper wasn't do that very same day. Ahh college.

Sometimes it's easy to forget how fun it is to warm up one's fingers in the morning before some writing needs to be done. Stealing a page from Neil, warming up in the morning with some typing, hopefully saying something profound, and then leaving, to write some masterful material! For me, it's just semi masterful I should say. Masteresque.

Unexpected Presents

Tonight I was given the night off from rehearsal, and tomorrow, rehearsal is only until 1! Therefore I can get out and run down to Pacifica to officially buy this goddamned car earlier than usual, and make it back in time for possibly a hot date with Monica. I shouldn't say possibly, it should be probable. We need to go on a hot date that actually happens, not one that ends up us not going to the city because the traffic is so bad. Maybe up to a mid range restaurant? We like eating...

I've officially become a Tool. I spent the better part of this morning writing some thank you cards to all these assholes here. Some not assholes, but mostly its to the higher ups saying what a joy it was to work here, and great jobs are because there's great leadership. Completely out of my ass. My ass is pretty vocal when it needs to be. But it's something you need to do, like swallowing (your pride) and sucking up to casting directors or agents or workshops, it's just what you have to do. Might as well keep the swallowing (of pride) in practice and do it here; I have to swallow (pride) enough in the acting world.

It's an odd dichotomy though; as actors we are supposed to have pride, but we need to know the humility that comes from not getting cast at all ever in a million years oh my god i'm never getting a part again. I think I'm getting it down, and the more people I meet, the more I realize it's a completely universal trait; I'm happy to have more friends from this show that think the same way I do. This has been a Good Thing, and tomorrow I'm going to ask Hector if he needs any tech help, specifically stage managerial tech help, for his shows coming up this season.

Still very much worried about what I'm going to do after this job: so far, no one's called me in for an interview. I think it's back to temp work for a while, and focus on starting my school career; I think I'm going to sign up for some classes at CoM, and maybe a few workshops around the area. Who knows if it'll do anything good, but at least I'll make some friends, and there are a few non theatre (yes, I know, WEIRD) classes that I want. Maybe even an... yes, I'm going to say it, accounting class. I'm more likely to take a flash class though, get started on the way of computers; that's where everything's headed anyway, I'm tired of being out of the loop. First thing's first though, I need a vocal coach.

But not right now! Right now I need a granola bar!

School, Work, and Play

Hawaii keeps sending me new student information. I've already told them and they've agreed to defer my acceptance a year (well, the department did, I'd have to reapply to the university itself). It's just hard, seeing these other people getting excited about it.. and I'm not really excited about going there. It seems like it would be a blast, and who knows, maybe next year I'd go, but for now, I'm not really ready to take the plunge and go all the way over there to study acting, which while being beneficial, and would build contacts, is not really in the spot that has the contacts I would really want to further my career. Not to badmouth you, Hawaii, I'm sure I'd make some good friends and great contacts, but right now I'm shooting more for Los Angeles. It's still kind of flattering though; almost like they have a huge crush on me, but damn, they just live so far away.

Anywho. Nothing much else to report as usual. Mountain Days last night went pretty well; we had a nice full house, only mild fuckups, and I'm getting to know more of the cast. They're pretty good people, and Willows regulars.. or at least musical regulars. I think that's why I've never met any of them before, when the Willows casts a straight play, they rarely cast musicians, and vice versa. It's a way do to things, but I'd much rather cast actors who can sing than singers. But whatever. Not my company. Pay it forward. It'll be nice though when I can start my walks at lunch again... you know what, I'm not really worried about the music anymore, I'm going to start walks again today! Unless Monica comes down to visit me, that is. We'll see! I sure hope we see each other at lunch in any case, I have a party tonight with the Willows that I don't want to miss because I'm an asshole actor and need to talk to people in the industry.

Elaine is still being dumb, and reacting too much to things that I say. She's a very fake person. I miss Bonny. I miss Myra. Oh well, I won't be here much longer, so here's to not giving a fuck for the next few weeks. I sure hope I find a job though so I can quit this one; that'll show them all.

Oop. Gotta get the milk.

Back. Had a nice talk with Monica where she let me bitcha little bit about Elaine. You know what I think figured out during that conversation? I'm not really letting myself like her because she is my replacement, and is already probably being paid more than I am. And that's okay with me. I'm fine with not liking her - in a month I'll be gone and she'll be stuck here. And maybe they'll want to keep me on part time, if so, great, and I'll still try and look for other places; if they've wanted to get rid of me now, part time won't want them to keep me anyway.

Just got a call from mum. Apparently Eavie sent me a package of my stuff. That's nice of her. It's probably all my coats that I have no idea where they are. That'll be nice to have those back, but it's still a weird feeling. I didn't even get a courtesy email that she was going to send them. You'd think that we'd at least be cordial to one another... but then again, I'm just done trying to be friends with her; if she doesn't want to be my friend, her loss.

Wow. Just got a call from AEA. They want to see me in person. I don't know what to say. I do know that I will call them at lunch time and see what they have to say... and if they feel like flying me down for an interview, I'd try and do it, but I don't know if I can afford the funds to do a day trip to LA for that kind of thing. Wow. Flattering. I'm going to call them back and see if I can. It's hard though, because of the conflict of interest; I've always wanted to be a union actor... and if I can't be one because I'm working for the union... well yeah... Also the fact that I'd have to pick up and move pretty quickly, missing Bottom. Hm. Hm. Well, it doesn't hurt to talk to them. And if anything, chalk it up to experience.

That's an exciting thing right there. I must have done something right at the interview. Gosh. Now I'd need some sort of shirt and tie or something. Maybe my blue shirt... stop. We don't even know what's going on. And I don't even know where my blue shirt is... although I have some leads. (Closet at Monica's or closet in Room.) We'll see.

Just a normal entry.

It's the super little annoyances that have been getting to me lately, the most recent example being the cell phone charger (also ipod charger) fell out of the socket last night, so I have no batteries on my phone. Not to worry really, I can just plug it in here, but still, it just seemed to annoy the shit out of me for some unknown reason. It's mostly the strange rehearsal schedule that is given to me every day; you never know when you're going to be called, and then when you are called, you don't rehearse for like at least an hour, and after that it's a really dumb rehearsal process. No wonder I've never worked for these people before; they're so unprofessional - I think the universe was trying to protect me from what I was doing, but maybe the universe was taking a day off when they called me back.

THAT'S IT! They called me in, I didn't go to a general! That's how it worked, that's the difference. The universe was protecting me from the horror that was the place by making them not see beyond my audition, but when they called me in out of the blue... well, that's the loophole that the universe needs to help me with in the future. I mean, come on! You've kept me from a lot of plays before, why stop now?

Anyway. Tomorrow's filming. Next week is audition for Kaiser. All throughout that, and working, I have rehearsal for Sunrise. Reminds me, I should check the schedule. Yep, called tonight until 10:30. Why do I do theatre again? Passion, career, right right... gotta get out of the Bay Area. Geez.

Just told Leah my schedule. Cool. Getting better about this. I just had a weird fantasy just now. I was living in the same world, just in LA, when saying " I just got cast in a movie" wouldn't seem all that foreign. I wish I just went down there. Also wish that csula didn't cut the program for lack of interest. Sigh. I should email them back, saying how sorry I am. Part of me thinks it's just a big conspiracy, and that they're just being nice to me about rejection; then I think... wait, none of the other schools thought that, they just flat out rejected me. So there.

Just emailed them, "would I be considered for next years program" is among my short, thoughtful email. If they write back with something exciting like, "You're in! Just give it time!" It might give me pause about UHM. Then again, UHM... is... there... And it would be an adventure. Then again. Part of me really wants to just take off and start working. Just go to a better city for theatre and do it, goddamn it. Why do I need to put this off any longer? Well, it's a degree, that's why. GAH!

Oh so yesterday was Drew's birthday bash. Among other things (2 rehearsals, for one), so I had a really busy, tiring day. The main epic thing though was that I got wunged in the head pretty bad by Keith's shoulder, and now am still feeling a little woozy. I didn't think it was that bad at the time, but wooboy. Maybe I'm just tired. I'm hoping that I'm just tired.

Oh balls! Stream of consciousness: I'm taking a walk to Best Buy today to get a wireless router, and I totally forgot to upload music on my iPhone! Nothing wrong with that, just means I'll acutally have to pay attention to what's going on around me. SIGH.

Alright, I'm off to look over this monologue for Kaiser.

I now realize what it takes to have a popular blog. All you have to do is simply steal from every other blog out there. For example, tuaw just ran an article that was originally posted on lifehacker. Seems like these folks never really come up with their own content; they just steal it from one another.

That's pretty much it; I'm just tired of reading the same shit on different places all day. Lame. Sorta. Whatever.

Still no response from the Moscow thing about more information. I really dont' want to jump into this thing. I don't know why I think it's a shady thing... I guess I just think it is. Gr. I'd just like to know what I'm getting into if I'm going to spend the last free spot of the summer doing this, before I go to MFA. Speaking of that, no notice from them either! I'm just going to call them tonight and see what's going on. In fact, sending an email right now.

Okay, I sent an email and had a pretty awful bowel movement (which was almost spelled "bowl movement" lets use our imaginations on that one, shall we?) but its' in progress. I'll probably call them tonight when I'm super bored at rehearsal (almost board); especially since I just found out that rehearsal starts at 7! Oh boy. Just enough time for me to go home, gripe, and then head on out. Yay!

This day needs to end.

I think I'm getting the facebook addiction that so many of my friends succumbed to in their years of college. At the time, I was all, "Psh, what the fuck is this? I'll use it, but totally not check it every five minutes." Little did I know, that almost 2 years after graduating, I, too, would be falling prey to its sweet sweet embrace. It was like me and cell phones too, really, I was the last person to get one out of ALL my friends, and even then, I only bought the incredibly cheap one that came with the plan so we were able to get a rebate... one I think I forgot to turn in anyway. That's how they get you!

I started today looking forward to checking my email for this audition I have coming up; no, not to go to the audition, but to look for conflicts in the show or the schedule of the rehearsals so that I couldn't make it. Not my luck, it fits right in my schedule, so looks like I'm going to have to relearn that stupid monologue and actually work on it for this audition. If there's anything I've learned in the first part of this year, it's that even if you don't want to do this shit, give it your all, you never know who could be there and see you... and maybe then think of you for other projects! Woo. It's my tired old complaint about how burnt out I am of this area. Blah blah blah.

Also, it turns out that Run, Fatboy, Run, 21, and Stop-Loss all suck. It's a pity, I really wanted to take a look at those this weekend. I guess it's back to going to Horton Hear's a Who. That's right, Monica, I actually am going to see it. So what if I'm a flipflopper. (Also, you wear flipflops in HAWAII.)

1 section done!

Worked on UNLV paper, setting and location for action. Done. Now all I have to do is finish up the bibliography (annotated and all) and do a polish and send it off with the rest of my packet. I'm getting excited. I also need to finish up a thingie for them, just a personal essay, but I did that one long ago when I didn't want to research the goat. Golly gee, I don't fucking know why this paper has been so hard, when actually writing it has been so fun! I should have done it ages ago.

Still looking for others though, I didn't realize how many pretty cool looking programs state schools have. And the cost! JEEZ! I should have checked those out before. Even with the stupid governor giving cuts to the school system (and other stuff, but why the school? want to take away the intelligence and opportunity of the people who are going to run the country pretty soon? Or even better, that'll just make us go to Hawaii for an education) the price is still very reasonable for people who aren't of super duper means. Fuck those big schools, it's the state ones for me. I should have applied there in the first place.

Other news. I've been getting weird vibes for a very long time at work, but I haven't been doing anything differently. Like, I have been doing a good job and all, but only when things are really rocking and rolling do I feel like I've been doing something. 's weird though. Whenever I get a task, I drop all my surfin around and doing personal crap to do it, and whenever things need upkeep, paper, coffee, pens, etc, I drop what I'm doing to do it, it's not like I don't do my job. But for a while now I've been feeling that people expect more, and I don't quite know what that means. I'm doing what I've been hired to do... maybe they want to give me more responsibilities; if that's the case, they need to tell me. And then pay me more.

Also, just found out that Yusef has his audition today in San Jose! Go Yusef! Woo! Sending good vibes out there; he's a really cool person, and I'm lucky to know him as a pal. I hope he gets in -then again, I really hope I get in.

Been fucking around with googlepages. Making web pages online has never been easier. Awesome! I'm going to mess with it some more and then actually go back to my real tasks of actually completing these applications. It's really easy and fun. I'm looking into it to make a website with my master resume, etc., without having to actually worry about real shit like code and stuff. And if I ever get around to, oh say, learning flash animation, I'm sure I can upload that there as well, under a different section. OR at the very least, upload it to youtube and then link to it on my site. Google keeps on doing wonderful things. It helps to have a benevolent rich superpower in the world.

Okay, back to doing work to better my life. Sheesh.

Lo! Horatio!

Been looking into the program at UHM. Pretty average to cool, really. And one of the paragraphs said that priority casting goes to UHM graduate students. So it pays to pay out the nose. I also got a facebook message from Raphi, an old high school friend. Apparently he and Chris Robinson (another old friend) are down there, like... living. So that's pretty cool. He seemed excited. It would be fantastic to live there, and a fantastic experience in my life. I'm still keeping my eyes and ears open (LA, I'm looking at you) and will get my goddamn UNLV app out this week or my name isn't Horatio! What?

Hm!

I just found out I get no super financial aid from UHM, just the usual loan shit. Lets hope that I can get some more schools, so maybe I'll have some leverage... I did find that article about the Graduate Assistantships on artsearch... maybe that was just getting people who were already there or to get people like me to come in and apply. I DID already apply. Maybe I'll bring that up to them.

Still, it's my backup if I don't get anything else... and after all, it's just money.

God, ellipses much in this post?

Mostly Sweet, Some Bitter

I got into the MFA program at UHM. Pretty fucking awesome. I'm incredibly excited. I never thought it was a terrific program, but I have a feeling if I do it, I'll have more clout in many different places once I have a graduate degree under my belt. The only silly thing is that I've been checking the classes/plays that are done each year there, and nothing's really wowing me about their program. Still, my mom said something cool just now:

And, I think, Ben, you will benefit
from the time spent studying and they
will benefit from YOUR input.
THEY DONT KNOW HOW LUCKY THEY ARE.

So yes, it's pretty wicked awesome. I think it's just the typical me being worried about the future. Also, some other wonderful things happened to me today.

• Had a great audition for the Academy of Art - one of their student films.
• Had Calshakes offer me the Internship - grad school's more important, but right on.
• Had North Bay Shakespeare call me in to read for Midsummer.
• Had a better-than-lackluster interview for Zeum. Probably won't take it if they offer me, but hey, keepin my eyes open is pretty spifftacular.

Add that to my great audition at San Jose Shakespeare, and I'm doing pretty well! I sure hope my luck continues, particularly when I visit Vegas in a month, but also for other schools, like the state ones I've applied for. I mean, Hawaii would be fucking fantastic, but I don't think many casting directors head down there. I do think ANY program will be beneficial.

I had fresh hell at work though. I won't go into it; don't want to dwell. Shitty though. Hellish shitty.

Here's to hoping for more programs! But... ya know.. if my backup school is Hawaii, I think I'm doing pretty well.

It Means No Worries

Holy crap dude. I really didn't need to worry about that shit yesterday. I was blowing it way out of proportion. Leah and I did have a talk, but in the end, I sounded more cooler than I was before. I was the struggling artist trying to do my art but having to survive with the man watching my back. Of course I would get into a few scrapes on the way, but I am an artist, and I have to seize my art wherever I can! Leah was very supportive of this concept; I am incredibly lucky to have such an understanding boss as well as a flexible job! She did threaten me with moving back to the 8:30 to 5:30 schedule, and I said to give me a little more time, and I would always give at least a week in advance if my schedule needs to be changed. Unless, I said, I got a lead part in a movie, and Leah said, well of course. So cool! It'll be weird once I move somewhere else. Although I bet in a place that is more saturated with actors, they are used to people that need to take off at a moment's notice.

I've been in an awkward situation lately. My two friends whom I love have broken up and are probably never going to talk to each other again. This has caused ripples in the friend-space continuum, and I'm not sure if they can be repaired easily. It's just the awkward place that a friend gets when two friends, made independently of each other, break up. That's all about that. Kinda on my mind lately; these are my very good friends and I hate to see them unhappy. But whatever, they'll get over it. Not like it's the first time someone broke up with anyone before.

My day moves on. I wasn't able to take a walk today because I forgot to bring my lunch over from Monica's. She assembled me a variety pack of delicious snacks, all of which I was incredibly excited about. To celebrate this pack, I left it on her kitchen counter. Amazing. I plan on taking a walk around 3, hopefully just a little jaunt around the block to get the blood pumping, and to cut some time out of these seemingly endless afternoons. I suppose I could actually be doing more work, but damn if I've actually finished most of my tasks for today; for now it's just answering phones. I'm sure something will pop up at 4:30 that I need to figure out. Some ultimate fedex that someone just HAS to get out.

I've also sent some information to the places I collected from artsearch (blue man group, for one!) and other tech and film stuff from craigslist. Turns out there's a lot of people casting shit out here! All non pay, but this is the kind of stuff I need to start doing, then build up my reel, and then I'll actually have something when I move to a bigger city that actually has an industry. Play the game some more. Which is why I'm probably going to go to this "audition workshop" (what I refer to as "ripoff") for the general auditions for 6th Street Playhouse, up in Santa Rosa. Shit, couldn't hurt, and I'd make some connections, and it's only $25 bucks. Pay it forward... although it sounds like stealing to me. But what the hell! Whatever that can help you get in the door, I know once I move to New York or LA I'm going to need to take some classes in order to get seen. That reminds me... maybe some stuff at ACT is in order.

No walk at 3, just got done with a big project, and through the miracle of a paragraph break time has passed, and I recieved a call from a guy doing an independent film. I was on the toilet at the time, so didn't answer it, and he didn't leave a message, so I'm in that phase where it is returning a call, but it's not returning a message, so it sort of means that I'm still making the first verbal move. Email doesn't really count as a move; you could ignore emails so much easier than phone calls, where you actually have to deal with someone. I am no longer afraid of dealing with people on the phone, thanks to this job, but you never lose that little bit of nervousness that comes from calling someone for the first time. I guess if I don't give a fuck, I don't ever have to call him again and I can delete his number. So there you go. I'll probably call later tonight.

Alright! Time for a walk around the block!

Future Shit

Wow, coming as a surprise, the future's been on my mind a lot. Were you surprised? I am.

Been going through other options in case I don't get into an MFA program. I still hope I do, but in case I don't, I still want to try and continue on my career path. I don't know what that means, but I do know it means more than just getting shitty roles in a shitty market for theatre.

Internships are a way to this, I guess. I've only been an intern once, for the costume shop, and I loved it. It was a great job with cool shit to do. The only problem is that I'm not a costume designer, nor am I a tailor. It is a skill set that will undoubtably come in handy, but I don't have that burning desire for it, like I do for acting, or shit, even stage managing. I could see myself as a stage management intern.

I guess it's the same ol thing that passion for the art and drive will not make me successful. It's luck and who you know. And maybe an internship will get me in with someone who would know me. Or maybe an MFA program will pick me up, and then more people will know me. I just want to do the art I love. That's all I want. I shouldn't have to fight to do my passion, I should just be able to do it!

I don't regret going to Truman. I just wish I made a different decision. Even an arts school would have been a better fit for me, and a better thing for my future. But I was blinded by silliness. God! Even staying at Truman for their MAE... I would have a master's now, and be able to teach, or at least be able to say I have a master's. No use for regrets though. All I can do is plug on ahead. No regrets, just frustration. I think frustration's going to be okay.

I just need to get out of this area. I'm glad I moved, but I think it wasn't a step in the right direction for my career, especially if I want to live fully from my art. This is NOT the place to do it.

Well, no time like the present to start changing your life. I'm going to sign up for some classes and see where that takes me.

Break in the Journal

Taking a quick break in my Hawaii journal to keep what's going on in my life now up to date - after all, this really is a journal, and hopefully someday I'll look back at these entries and smile, knowing that I actually did keep a journal, and all those blank notebooks underneath my bed aren't going to waste. Well, they are kind of going to waste, but maybe I can use them for paper mache or something. Is that how you spell mache? I'm too lazy to go to dictionary.com. Even though when typing that, a link was created. I'm too lazy to even click. That's how much I love my life right now.

This weekend I had my callback to The Full Monty at Masquers Playhouse in Richmond. It is a beautiful area, and a beautiful theatre. There are some stupid things - no pay, and when they kept us at the callback for 5 hours, I was a little iffy on whether or not they actually respect their actors and their time committments. Anyway, I was called back for Dave, my favorite character in the show. I think I was the best one called back, but I do have my youth going against me, and the fact that I'm not SUPER fat like what is really called for in the role. Again, my middle of the road fatness is held against me. Sob sob.

Probably a good thing though - after thinking about it, I really don't want to work with a company that wastes time like that. Bah, but then again, I'm getting desperate, so I'd probably take it. But then again... something else they said struck me as strange, "I'm keeping the guys the latest, so thank you for your patience. The reason why we're keeping you late is so that after everyone has left, I want you to go up on stage and take as much clothes off as you feel comfortable with."

Okay. So. You know I'm not a prude. I worked as a nude model through college. Not ALL of college, but still, I'm comfortable with getting naked for people. But. This seemed like bordering on harassment. I mean, if I got the part, I most certainly would get naked. That's what the show's all about, that's what you do at the end of the show. The climax, if you will. But asking that seems a little too much at an already OBSENELY long callback process. I suppose that's just the community theatre of the area. All theatre around here stems from that.

Also, it doesn't pay, did I mention that?

Anyway, that was my Saturday. Oh! I did have breakfast (chocolate chip pancakes) at Bubba's Diner in San Anselmo with Monica. It was delishious, and I really want to go back there. Like, NOW.

Sunday I messed around the computer most of the day, recording my monologues and burning them to a DVD - just all around fooling around with the computer. I had to get in my Cal State LA stuff in like 10 days ago, I missed it... I think it was because of a little thing called Hawaii! They let me apply late, so I'm sending my stuff overnight today. Should be fun. I'm so densensitized to the rejection of schools now anyway, it doesn't really phase me anymore whether or not I get in. The real one I want right now is UHM. I've fallen in love with that place. So I'd be moderately more disappointed if I got a rejection letter from there, rather then the Indifference Shell that has sprouted around me.

More auditions coming up: One for Impact Theatre on Sunday I think... or was it Saturday? (this is why I have an iPhone, folks, calendar time.) And Carmel on Monday. Another day off work, booya! And by Day Off, I mean, cough cough, so sick, and vroom vroom, 3 hour drive. I hope I can con/ask politely someone to come with me on this trip - makes it a lot easier, especially when you don't have a radio in the car. Boo urns to that.

And I SUPPOSE I should take a look at those job things I posted here before, to send off my resume. Shit, it couldn't hurt, even if positions were already filled.

Holy Motherfucking Awesome

This weekend was THE BIG WEEKEND of grad school auditions. I didn't think it would be stressful for me, or at least it would be quick, but when I got to the building to see all of the nervous, above average attractiveness, people, I knew that I would be feeling a little teensy bit more nervous than I had planned. So... I guess I'll just start with how my days went.

Saturday started with the kind of nervous energy I have never felt before. My gut was doing some amazing somersaults inside itself, and I had not even eaten much that morning. It was my nervousness combined with my empathy of everyone elses'; there seemed to be some rooms worse than others, full of thick nervous energy that took you by the hand, and then stabbed you in the eye. Luckily, my first room wasn't like that. The first audition was on the top floor, next to some incredibly beautiful windows looking out along the city - UCSD had that floor to themselves. (I think they picked the best.) Auditioned, was nervous, did a good job, didn't get called back. Next!

I waited around for a LOOONG time for my next one. UCSD was at 11, and my next, NYU, was at 2, and in that time, I figured it wouldn't be too long. My mistake, it was so long and so boring and even though I did get to see some pals, (hey Arthur) and get to know some other people (hi David), it was pretty awful how if just increased my anxiety and made me want to run away screaming for ice cream.

I did however, take a look around, and I signed up for three more schools (they had walk in appointments available): New School of Drama, NTC, and Moscow Conservatory! So my count is now up to 8 schools if you count ACT last week. It was like a grad school buffet, an overpriced extravaganza where you don't actually eat anything!

2 rolls around. NYU seemed very nice, very professional, and very uninterested in me. I wasn't called back, which "doesn't mean you won't be considered for callbacks in New York." Yeah, I don't think I'll be going there either. 0 for 2.

Saw Heather Gordon, she got called back. For everything she auditioned for. I really need to get me some boobs. Wait, I have those. Time to dye my hair blonde then.

Made some new buddies (hi Sarah, hi Christi) while waiting for our rejection notices from NYU. Turns out Sarah when there for undergrad. She wasn't called back either. I don't know about Christi.

Getting off the elevator, I passed by a Carbon Copy Actor (CCA) and saw what I presumed to be a casting director run and catch up to him. I thought, masochistically, Jesus, this is going to be hell for me, and yet I remained in close proximity in order to hear what they were saying. He complimented him on his acting

3:10 New School for Drama. I had read a little bit about this school online, and heard some stuff about Monica's friends who went there and enjoyed it immensely. Walking in there, I heard "Pull up a chair, Ben, and let's chat." We talked for about 15 minutes about art and how it is a completely selfless art. I am an artist for the audience, I create completely for other people. Everything I've made, I've given away almost immediately. That concept had never really come up before, but it was undoubably something I believe in. It was amazing and a breath of fresh air to feel like someone actually liked me. I did my pieces, and they enjoyed them. It was a great audition. I don't know if they want me, but just the experience was so much fun and made me feel much better about this particular path I might be taking.

4:10 NTC. They're the Denver based one. Turns out, that man was the one who complimented CCA earlier in the elevator. I didn't know what I was getting into. I did my pieces; he didn't hate Edmund (I really need to get a new piece), and he absolutely loved my other piece (Straight Men Can't Camp, Tim Hendrixson). He cracked up! In the middle of my audition! It was amazing. We had a great little interview afterwards, and I left feeling very good and more informed. He gave me a vague critique too, but it was very constructive. "Just be bigger in Shakespeare, that's what people are looking for." I took it and was more successful with Edmund later. (I'm still getting another piece.)

4:40 Moscow Conservatory. I was completely unsure as to what to expect here. But they were very nice, very much engaged with me and my pieces, and we had a really good mini interview after we were done. It was very positive.

- End of day thoughts. I was really happy that every room at ACT had windows with amazing dramatic views of the city. Saying "Thou, Nature, art my goddess... " to a sparkling blue sky was really really wonderful. Learned a lot. Signed up for another audition, University of Washington (bringing auditions up to 9), and called it a day.

Went home. Hung out with Monica. She is so amazingly supportive. It's magical.

Sunday! Monica came with to support. WHAT A COOL GIRL. So much love.

9:00 Yale. There was a Stage Manager at the door. She was so steriotypical, I thought she was an actor playing a Stage Manager. Nope, she was a grad student. They were very polished and nice and they all had a little interview with us. I did my pieces, and was not called back. If you aren't called back at the end of the hour, you don't get in. If however, you do get called back at the end of the hour, you may get called back at the end of the day. That, however, is all moot for me since I didn't get called back. Fuckers. At least Heather Gordon did. Thank god. I was so worried for her.

10:30ish USC. This was the school I forgot to sign up for, but they had walk in auditions! I didn't really know what to expect here as well, but it turned out to be really positive. They liked my pieces and we had a good interview. It was a Good Audition.

11:00ish UW. It was fine. He was kinda reserved; I had heard elsewhere that he's kinda an asshole. He had me sing, so that was fun. Callbacks were posted later.

Mind you, throughout this, Monica's sticking by my side; keeping me company, giving me a kiss or two, playing DS with me, this is one awesome, amazing, beautiful girl.

12:00 (actually 1, but who's counting. I am.) UCLA. Boring, uninspring. I'm not in. My pieces went well though.

1ish somewhere Rutgers. Bringing my audition count to 11, Rutgers was an interesting experience. They had me interview a bit, and that went well. They then completely ignored my Edmund monologue and started to almost border on belittle me with problems with my other one. "So what's he doing in this?"

"He's really just bitching about Shannon, it's more of an anicdote than anything else."

"Yeah, but I didn't really get much from it. I mean, it was charming, but I didn't get anything else."

"Well, he's just frustrated, he's not angry."

"I want to see a better moment before, because that's what's Miesner's all about." (First red flag.)

"Okay, what would you like to see."

"Take it out of the context and just give it more of a fire underneath, because didn't Stella Adler say... [blah blah blah I didn't pay attention because a second red flag came up.]"

I did it with more "fire" and they asked me how it was different. I said he was more angry and made some BS up. They had smug expressions on their faces. I told them...

"This is exactly what I was talking about, this evolution! I want to learn this."

Continued smugness.

"Thank you, Ben."

"No, thank YOU."

All of that for the low low price of $75 dollars! I'VE NEVER BEEN BELITTLED IN ANY BETTER SETTING!

1:40 - 4 Spent some time walking around outside with Monica. We reflected about the day, and I told her what happened at Rutgers and how frustrated I was with them. We walked around that area of the city, one of my favorites, and ended up at Westfield mall, so we decided to eat at SF Soup. Stupendous Green Chili Soup in a bread bowl. Then Beard Papa puffed pastries. All very very delicious.

4:00 Call Back posting for UW. While waiting for the quiet man to put the list up, I was waiting in the You Can Cut The Stress With A Butter Knife room where Yale and ACT were having their callbacks. I think it was only Yale, it being the end of the day, and most of the people were hovering by the steriotype stage manager. I took a look around the room. Heather was there. Good for her. Then I looked at everyone else. All the girls looked the same (CCA), all the boys looked the same (CCA). It was as if someone took a clone and plunked in a few variables to alter the appearance somewhat; blonde here, tall there, boobs there, short here. It made me angry and frustrated that these schools, the ones we hold so highly, the ones who I thought would be smarter than that... aren't. Kind of a turning point for me. Made me think at least the Name Brand grad schools weren't for me. Oh, didn't get called back for UW.

- End of day thoughts. Went home, cried a bit, and Monica was there. I felt very angry and frustrated, but had so much love in my heart that it was overwhelming. This entire day, she was with me, supportive and amazing. She really is wonderful. Except that we were going to get pizza, and we didn't.

Today! One last audition THANK GOD.

9:00 University of Delaware (A last minute sign up of # 12). It was more like a class than anything else, and it kicked my ass, AND I loved every second of it. The program is rigorous, full of physical activity. We did our monologues after doing a physical and vocal warm up. But this wasn't just like any warm up... it was actually fun and a little challenging. Fuck that mirror game, we had stomping! It looked perfect for me. Um, so yeah. This is my favorite, and I would go there in an instant if it were offered to me.

All in all. Sitting at work right now, I would take 12 auditions over 3 days over working at a job that sucks my soul any day. Even though it was frustrating and made me angry that the future of theatre is all the same person, according to Yale and NYU, the good was very good, while the bad... well, I can go without the name recognition of some schools for now.

And, Monica's amazingly awesome. And I met some great comrades in arms there. There are really good actors out there, even some CCAs are good. I just can't wait for the next page of my life to happen.

Our Year in Rants

Even the things I want to do are pushed to the side by my Apathy. Yes, you heard me right, it's coming back. I want to make a website for my ACTING, but instead I laze around in the evenings, "recovering" from my day. I have a feeling this is why I missed all the whatcha call it, general motherfucking auditions for everything across the country, and have not even started sending my shit out to agents as a good little actor should. And yet, apathy and knowledge of my stagnating career aside, I'm still doing alright. Sure, who doesn't cry a little and get depressed a little? My emotions have been in flux lately, but they mostly turn up "groovy" when all is said and done.

Still still still, I need to get off my ass and do what I promised myself to do: better myself and my art. While applying for grad schools and auditioning certainly is a good step in the right direction, my zeal for the big schools left the little ones behind, and I'm now finding some really cool MFA programs at other places across the country that no doubt would have helped me with what I wanted. There's always another year, certainly. I am not worried about my future. If I don't get into these schools, I think I'm finally at ease. I just need to play the game some more. If programs won't let me in now, maybe a year of acting professionally and taking workshops will encourage them, especially if they're from acknowledged institutions. Like I said, play the game. Take a page from Michael Cassidy's book. He and I are both good actors, yet he's getting more work; it's all about the people you know.

Monica has an excellent mantra: 2008 is OUR year. No matter what that entials, grad school or no, this year will not only be one of change, but change for the better. With these plans in my head, I can already feel my life changing around me, and my outlook a little bit brighter. Even at my stinky, depressing, boring 9 hours in my day, my perspective will stay positive and focused on the future.

Oh yeah, and fuck woot.com today. Jesus, the worst sport even infects my favorite site.

That will change tomorrow though; it will be a new day.

No Music

I thought I heard music playing a second ago, but I guess there wasn't any. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking. I really need to get something to help me through my day, I guess.

Today's been really hectic so far. I'm double checking my auditions coming up this weekend (HOLY FUCK) and was wondering why USC hadn't sent me any confirmation on an audition timeslot. Oh right, it turns out I filled out (and paid for) the wrong application all together, and now, like a tool, have to go and do a walk in appointment (with another fee) this weekend. It's probably going to be Monday, to tell the truth. This is only a slight happiness as to not be in work, it would be that PLUS me waiting there all day for a walk in appointment because, in theory, they'll have more slots open, being a Monday.

In an hour I get off work (woohoo) to go to the UCSF program (boo) and pretend to be religious (meh). I'm happy I get off work, but I won't have much time for eats' I guess I'll have to figure something out.

I also was confused about some of my UHM application stuff not being submittted. But it turns out it had, and now is only waiting for my transcripts to arrive. I even talked to a nice Hawaiian (or work study student) at the school. Rock and roll.

See the difference? LA is weird and uninformative, Hawaii is nice and supportive. That's why it's only SEVEN MORE DAYS. WOOOYEAH.

http://www.sweet-juniper.com/ is pretty cool.

The only thing that's been keeping me really steady lately is the wonderful people in my life. Even when I am rejected and am crying and want to smash someone's face in, Monica's there to hold me and give me a piece of pie. And if I need a little help with music, she's there too! And if I need help with some food, well, we can find that somewhere else. And the new Dinner Club we've created... I'm beginning to have so much fun with those people.

All in all, I'm very stressed but very very happy. I'm glad I have wonderful people in my life.

Except for Drew, he's working on his album so I hate him.

Egyptian Gods

I've recieved a few new things to do at work. Unfortunately, this was not a gradual process, this was something that happened over the course of 2 days, and none of these things really have anything in common with each other, so its' not like I can clean the office and search for marketing materials at the same time. This is not a bad thing, because it'll make my days go faster, it's just something out of the ordinary, because I'm used to sitting on my ass, and the only stress I've had was the pressure on my ass after sitting for 9 hours.

I almost typed 9 horus. I wonder how Horus would feel if I used him in a context like that.

For some reason my energy has been very scattered this morning. I feel like I'm grasping at the ground on a cliff and my fingers are slipping. It's a very strange feeling, and I don't know where it's coming from. I'm pretty much on top of things, and what I haven't done, I have plans for. Everything's planned out. Maybe I'm just anxious about the auditions coming up. Then again, they're just auditions, and my monologues are going really well. I just have to work on them a bit more. And in the meantime, I'm honing 4 really great monologues for the rest of auditions.

Maybe I'm just picking up the energy here. Everything seems so very tense, but I can't put my finger on it. And if it is energy at work, I don't like the idea of me empathizing with this place. Maybe it's just my natural caring personality caring for something I don't really like. Or maybe the workplace itself is just bored with what its doing. I mean, it used to build ships. Now it's landscaping. Good landscaping, but it seems to pale in comparison.

I dunno though, I'd rather create something that grows than create something which destroys. Hm, something to think about?

---

I can't believe it, but I've watched American Idol these past two nights. It's a love/hate relationship really. Actually, more hate/disgust relationship. Although I must admit I don't hate it as much as I thought I would. What really makes me angry is that it's more like theatre's bastard son, the one who everyone hates, is now coming to the limelight and taking over using his own brand of theatre. The brand that creates photocopies of pop stars to force feed over the course of X weeks.

That being said, if I were to audition, I would sing "Umbrella."

Accounting Makes Me Work Harder

So, new station.

I sit near Accounting now, in front of a red wall. I feel very dotcom. Very power wall. Very much like I made a lot more than I really do. Maybe some of that will influence the powers that be and I'll accidentally make an extra $100,000 on my next paycheck. Maybe not.

It's a little strange. I would be able to articulate it better if my soul and mind haven't been sucked dry by the moving in office and the stupidity of coworkers today. Every time someone walks through this back door, they get a proud smirk on their faces as if to say, "Oh, Ben's sitting by Accounting now! Isn't that a hoot?" And then they ask how I like my new desk.

It's actually nice. Lots of natural light, a quick escape if I need a breath of fresh air, and I see people coming in. All in all, pretty cool. Accounting peeps are so engrossed in their own stuff that I really can do whatever they want, and whenever they do see me doing something, they mostly notice the fact that I'm typing, so it doesn't matter to them what I'm typing on. Especially if I keep a bored and slightly annoyed look on my face, perhaps with a sprinkle of whimsy at times. My normal expression to not attract attention.

Also, I found a bunch of auditions that I'm interested in (Ganked from http://www.theatrebayarea.org/)

4M; 4F; 6M/F (ensemble). All ethnicities. Prep B'way song, bring sheet music in key; accomp prov'd. No tapes. AEA (2 Guest Artists) & non-AEA. Stipend. Auds 1/12 10AM-5PM. Callbacks 1/14. Rehs begin 2/19. Perfs 4/3-20. Appt: (650) 579-5565 x1, Tues-Fri 10-5PM. Info: http://www.broadwaybythebay.org/.

A Midsummer Night's Dream & The Comedy of Errors. Non-AEA. Paid. Perfs May-Sept. Resume/2 HS: Box 301, Stinson Beach, CA 94970. Info: (415) 383-1115. nbshakes@hotmail.com.

The Full Monty
7M (20-60), 1M (30-60, African American), 1M (12); 1F (50-70, singer), 6F (20-40). Prep 32 bars of a song in your key, accomp prov'd. Non-AEA. No pay. No appt. Auds 2/16 noon, 2/17 7PM. Info: jmaio@inbox.com. http://www.masquers.org/.

Non-AEA. Some pay. Auds 2/8-10, 3/14-16. The Western Stage, 156 Homestead Ave., Salinas. 1/26 ACT, San Francisco. 1/30 Foothill College, Los Altos. 2/18 PCPA, Santa Maria. 2/27 Solano College, Fairfield. 3/6 Santa Clara University. 3/8 UC Santa Barbara. 3/9 UC Irvine. Appt: (831) 759-6037. mcordero@hartnell.edu. Info: http://www.westernstage.com/.

3M (25-45); 4F (25-45). Prep 1 comedic monologue, 1.5 min max. Non-AEA. Stipend. Auds 2/2 10AM-2PM, 2/3 6-9PM. Rehs begin 3/3. Perfs 4/18-5/11. Dragon Theatre, Palo Alto. Appt: (650) 493-2006 *3. info@dragonproductions.net.

Shopping M/F. Must move well. Prep comedy song, ballad & contemp humorous monologue. No a capalla, transposing or recorded accomp. Non-AEA. Pay. Auds 2/13 7PM. Perfs ongoing Fri & Sat at Shelton Theater, SF. Appt/info: (415) 392-8860.

Short Film
7M/F (1F be 20-30s); extras. Non-SAG. No pay. Reimbursed for travel expenses. Shooting 1/12-13 & 1/19-20 in SF. HS/reel: bretigne@gmail.com. Info: www.cultural-nomad.com/films.html.

SF Shakespeare
Pericles (2008), Romeo and Juliet (2008-09), Macbeth (2009). All ethnicities & genders encour. Prep 2 contrasting Shakespearean monologues, prep to perform dramatic monologue but have 2nd ready. AEA & non-AEA (Romeo & Juliet non-AEA only). Auds 2/3 1-5PM (non-AEA), 2/4 1-5PM (AEA). Appt/info: (415) 865-4434 x5. rennals@sfshakes.org.

Spitfire Grill
1M (40-50s), 1M (40s, solid rock voice w/edge, top "G"), 1M (mid- to late 20s, strong folk tenor to "G"); 1F (about 70, mezzo/alto range), 1F (40-50s, mezzo/alto range), 1F (mid 30s, strong high belt to "D"), 1F (20s, strong country belt to "D", some head voice). Prep 2 songs in key. Bring sheet music, accomp prov'd. Poss stipend. Auds 2/19 7-9:30PM. Callbacks 2/26. Pacheco Playhouse, 484 Ignacio Blvd., Novato. Rehs begin Apr. Perfs 6/12-7/13. Info: Carl Jordan, (415) 717-7526. myriverhouse@netzero.com.

2M (65+), 2M (30-40), 1M (17-25); 2F (65+), 2F (30-40), 1F (17-25). Stipend. Auds in Feb. Callbacks in Mar. Reh begin Mar. Perfs in May/June. Belrose Theatre, 1415 5th Ave., San Rafael. Appt/info: (510) 787-2706.

Great America: Hosts/actors, singers, dancers. Auds 2/2, 2/9 & 2/10. Apply: (408) 986-5941. Info: http://www.cagreatamerica.com/.

Work on these later tonight, I will I will.

---

For some reason I haven't been getting down and dirty applying for more schools. I know I really need to get that UCLA one out and out by this weekend, but I haven't sat down and paid them and figured out how the letters of recommendation will work. They, like all of LA, live in their own little world and don't accept online uploads of recommendations like EVERY OTHER SCHOOL I'VE APPLIED TO. So I have to send requests all across the country. How quaint.

---

Just recieved a text message from AT&T saying that my online account was set up. I don't remember that happening or requesting, but online accounts are cool, maybe I'll check it out later tonight. I still don't really have this text message dealio down. Does the incoming text count away from my total every month? I don't do enough for it to really matter... it's just something to puzzle over. When I get over 200 texts a month, that's a time to worry and upgrade to infinite.

For now though, all good. I'm enjoying this phone every day, and even the naysayers (some anti apple people at work) are actually charmed by it.

Everyone says that it should be 3G though. Maybe someday. But for now, I don't really know the difference; I've never had a really powerful phone before. I'm excited now that I'm not as scared.

And now I'm thirsty.