Grumpy Gus

So um yeah.

I've been having some great auditions lately, and yet none have been coming to fruition. Great shit. Great feedback, people saying "spot on" stuff like that. And yet, nothing comes of it.

Granted, these people are mostly idiots in any aspect, so if they hire me, it's whether or not they deign to use me on a whim, because I smiled the right way, or said something they particularly liked. Well, moreso than normal like; I do believe they like me, I do believe we're friends... but something that amuses them in particular.

It's just been silly lately, that's all. When hearing about this guy who gets cast here all the time (yes, I know, people other than me can get cast) but he's not better than anyone else, he just is from LA. And I wrote about these people last year, in regards to the same person, who is now, in fact, Don Quixote in the Mountain play. I still think he's a very pleasant fellow, but way too young for that role/can't sing.

Whatever. Something good will happen sometime. It's bound to.

And the first step is starting an experiment. I will update to see if it works.

Spilled water and Auditions

As devotees of the blog may note, I have had many troubles with Earthlink. Nothing whatsoever has been resolved, but now whenever a page is loading too long, or the bar at the lower bottom of Firefox isn't moving, my breath becomes short, tears well up, and a lump appears in my throat.* It happens a lot.

Not much going on in Ben news of late. Tim spilled water on my keyboard (boo) so it gave me an excuse to go out and get a new one (yay) from Best Buy. My thought on the matter was that the Apple keyboard would be the most expensive one there; pretty logical, right? Walking past, neglecting the helpfulness of the genius bar, oh sorry, apple technicians, I saw that the (very thin for) $50 keyboard was beautiful as it was available to buy. Just for shits, I went around searching to see what the normal population uses as their keyboard. The non Mac fools.

Turns out, $50 was one of the lowest prices out there, with "gamer" boards all over the place going for 70 bucks or more. Certainly there were some average keyboards, but honestly, for 20 bucks more I can have a wafer thin beauty that is slightly obnoxious to try and type on, but still so beautiful I don't care.

Really though, it's easy enough to type on. See? No typos.

Because I love me some technology, I almost bought another external hard drive that would connect with my Firewire port (firewire on my computer is slightly faster than usb 2.0), because I have an extra port there, and am all out of usb ports. I stopped myself because:

• I have space remaining on my current external drive.
• I don't have the money for a Terrabite drive.
• I don't have stuff to put on it.

So I guess I'm going to have to wait for more media to fall off a truck onto my computer.

---

Audition for Theatreworks tonight, followed by a Callback for Last night at Ballyhoo. Excited about both. Especially because if I don't get Ballyhoo, I can still stage manage Dot's new show, Lead. So it'll be a busy first part of the year, up through Wildcat.

Typing it all out like that makes me feel I've been doing a little better than I thought when it comes to my acting career.

*this is a lie

Cool stuff and afterthought: wow I'm out of practice writing.

Pretty cool stuff. I made some calls, and I'm going to be heading to callbacks for Mountain Play loveliness. And I'm going to go to auditions for Marin Shakespeare. Cool shit, really, keeping busy, and doing what I can for my career. It is a little odd though; Jim called me and said the callbacks were on February 1st, when the website says 7th. I'm more inclined to believe a website than an old man, but I'll give him a call later this week just to be sure.

More cool news: I'm going to be in a D&D game, one of which I actually haven't made a character yet - not worried in the least. One of the best parts of playing the game is making the characters, and I actually plan on making several, probably ending up with a Gnome or Halfling Warlock. I might end up with Gnome.... they're just so much more plucky. See what my geekery comes to? It's going to be awesome.

---

This past weekend was a little strange. Saturday ended up being a day of loafing around, mostly by accident. In some strange occurrence, Monica and I ended up completely misinterpreting what we wanted to do, and ended up fucking around on the computer and on my DS pretty much all day. Funny about that, though; it's fun to play games, and I did have a good time, but we wasted almost the entire day, and a slightly awkward walk afterwards where I thought we were tense, but in reality, it was a completely okay walk.

It's things like this that give me a little pause when it comes to thinking about contentment. Even when there's a great relationship like Monica and I, there's still miscommunication that happens way too much for my liking. Gotta work on that. In addition to all the other resolutions that I'm committed to this year. Let's hope they last longer than my previous resolutions.

Its the new year!

I had a spectacular holiday in Disneyland with Monica and Vicki (and Bill, a little). Like a little child, I was blown away again at how fun that place is; maybe it's just that I haven't had it in my life at all, and these past 2 years I've gone twice, giving me the feeling that I should have had when I was 7. But without the tantrums. Honestly though, I like it better now that I actually have a fully developed mind.

And Monica and I are doing better, which is great. We made some resolutions that I am determined to succeed with following through. Wow, can you tell that I haven't written anything in a while?

In any case, it's been the same stuff going on in my life at the moment. Looking for work, exercising, setting up auditions. It's a somewhat dry season for acting right now, at least in my world. Although I did hear about one of my friends getting an understudy gig at Berkeley Rep. I am happy for him, completely jealous, and a little angry. Natural feelings for an actor to have, and I'm accepting them for a little while, when at that point I will let it go.

2008 Sucked Royal Ass. I am fucking determined to make 2009 an awesome year.

CAPS LOCK

Read an article earlier this week about quick workouts THAT ACTUALLY WORK! I'm not one for fads, but the exercises in here actually seem pretty interesting, and can be adapted for longer workouts THAT PROBABLY WORK BETTER! I did double the reps I would normally have done, for example, and realized my workout went about an hour, during most of the daily Bordain that I happen to watch in the mornings whilst unemployed. Because of my extra long workout, and reading an article about pushup technique, I am exceptionally sore, even in my gut, and I didn't do any crunches... my theory is that they tense up during my AWESOME PUSHUP WORK. Whatever works. It's a good sore.

Because my other reader (hi, jenny!) doesn't read about auditions, I'll keep this short: just got a rejection email this morning from Fountain of Youth: "While you're audition made an impresson on us, we decided to go in a different direction." What they really mean, however, is when they ask for "all shapes and sizes" they really mean "one shape and size." Story of my life, but hey, that's why I'm exercising, for good health and to look even more exceptionally sexier than I already do.

Mon has made a TV watcher out of me, and this holiday season reminds me why I don't make a habit of watching TV; the commercials are so consumer happy, and my continuing and increased belief in socialism has made them even more vile to my taste. And those cheesy diamond ones? I long for a time when I can kill 4000 people so I can bring a not so precious rock to the country and give it to someone who I'll have a statistically 50% chance of not being with in 7 years. FanTAStic. In any case, we did watch some Heroes last night, and it was fun, even if Mon decided to go to bed in the middle. Come on! Don't want to watch what Sylar has to say?

Daphne was here this weekend - Mon's college roomate/bff. She was a great houseguest, and an awesome, intelligent, cool person, and I dig cool people like that. Let's hope she comes back soon... or we can go to Phoenix. Yeah...

My New Plan by Ben Knoll

Starting next week, I will also be starting the rest of my life. The Rest of My Life includes:

• Applying for grad schools. I need to start my research again.
• Uh, I guess apply for a voice over class. I still have the money saved for that.

Why have I been putting these off, you may ask? I don't know; I've been pretty consistently in shows for a while (hurray!) and focusing on my job hunt (uh, boo) and after Ben Franklin is over, it will be the first break from a show I've had in... wow... 6 months? 9 months? It's been a long time. And now with the break in sight, I'll focus on my further future, rather than just the short future (which includes more shows! woohoo!).

Also: I have a bump on my nose. I think its a weird form of skin weirdness. If it breaks off (which it does sometimes), it bleeds, and it also hurts. Then it grows back. It is a weird skin thing, for sure.

Port of Amsterdam

I could use one of those PsiCards the Doctor has. It'd be nice to be able to show anyone anything they wanted to see. How fun.

I'm having even more of a blast working at moon; I knew it would be a good idea. Even better though, I sent some information to a new production coming up next year, and they had come to see moon last night, and liked my performance, calling me in! I don't quite know if it's a callback or an audition... could be a little bit of both, or all, or whatever. Any way, it's more exposure, and a possible show, with some new friends. If Ben Franklin has done anything to me, it's refueled my belief that making friends doing shows will bring friends for life; I am very happy with this cast, and it proves my point.

Been working a lot on applying for jobs, no shit, and for some reason keep forgetting to bring myself a snack or a lunch. Budgeting myself some time, I believe if I went a little bit early to the show, giving myself an extra 20 minutes or so, I can stop by Panda and relive my days of eating Panda all the time. Why is it that Panda is the tastiest? It simply is. Perhaps its the most bang for your buck.

Noticed lately that my entries are less and less thoughtful. I suppose that's my life right about now; I'm not much of a thinker on who or where or what's going on, other than simply trying to fix my life right now.

That being said, if perhaps the companies didn't have to buy health insurance for their employees and instead the government took care of that (as they should, and many other things), then the companies could worry more about what they do best, then maybe these companies would be doing slightly better. And perhaps then people who wanted to be certain places would stay there, and people who didn't want to be in certain jobs would have the opportunity to leave, since they weren't held there against their will because they're afraid of not having enough money in an emergency or a fucking birth. The most natural of all the things we have happen in our life.

Conversely, in France, England, or Cuba, (and practically every other civilized country out there) has medicine for everyone. Sounds like its time to move to Amsterdam.

More of Nothing

Nothing to post! I love posting, but there's been nothing new. I have an audition tomorrow, monday, and a little bit from now for shotgun. That's new, that's fun. Perhaps I'll be singing tomorrow. Well, it's a definite that I'll be singing, since there's a show tomorrow night; a show that's been going amazingly well. It really came into its own from the rehearsals... with a combination of input from a really good cast and a terrific director. I've been lucky with some really good directors lately.

I think I'm going to capitalize Nothing from now on, in my life. At least, until Something happens, Anything, really. Change is coming, I know that, but for right now, I might need to affect my own change - colleges come to mind at this point in time. A new tactic. After my show closes, I'm going to double my efforts of school searching, and its going to work. Maybe 2009 will be my year...

Goddamn it Chief

Decided against Lucky's piece from Waiting for Godot; too long, and I'd have to cut it... I don't really want to cut something like that. It's way too weird and disjointed as is. Besides, I think theatres around here don't want to see a what the fuck monologue like that, especially because I have about 10 monologues that I could use that have a little more... you know... coherent. Woot. Why learn something new when I can bring out something old and that I've used millions of times already?

More job searching today, more BSG action too. What an incredible piece of art.

I did take a shower today, and cleaned a bunch of the apartment. It's satisfying to do some work with your hands, as well as getting clean. It's been a while; why do I wait so long before I clean myself? Simple laziness, I would say. Why take 20 minutes out of my day to clean myself? Now, a pattern emerges: work out, get stinky and sweaty so even I can't deal with myself, shower! Done.

Monica and I are also doing better; we were having some troubles, but I'm happy to be with her and see her. Even watching the live action The Grinch was a joy when you're with the person you love.

And goddamn it Chief, find the fucking Eye of Jupiter already.

Title

I haven't watched Criminal Minds ever, and there's probably a reason; it's not a super great show, but since Wil Wheaton was a guest star on an episode a week ago, I downloaded the episode and am watching it now. Yeeesh, hardcore shit. And I like Wil a lot, reading his blog about his technique and then watching his performance is a really neat exercise.

But fuck it this show doesn't pump up the melodrama when shit happens. Meh, William Mapother is pretty awesome too, and Joe Mantegna is pretty great. Everyone else though has the traditional Frowney Eyes that comes with a crime drama. Especially a Crime Drama. I don't think this will be a massive download that comes with my love of a series (Battlestar Galactica, LOST, etc.). A good sampling of it though, but if I want crime drama, I'm going to stick with my CSI.

Also, I can make it to the Mountain Play Benefit, a wonderful decision that makes me happy, especially if I can pull of the song well again.

42nd Street Moon starts soon. I hope I like it. I think I will.

Back again.

I think I've been hung up rehearsing and such to really update, and to be completely honest, it's been more of the same. I've not had much update from the job front, and I continue to apply for at least 10 places a day, more if I'm really on the ball. But for the most part lately, I've been having fun singing "Fantasies Come True" with Monica, and working on Goodnight, Daniel. It's going to be a good show, not a great one, but that's okay, it's a very new piece, and new pieces are hard.... the author is lucky to have a really good guy as a director, who really loves the piece.

Breast of Broadway was last night, and was really really fun. Deb said I was perfect with my delivery, but the most important part is that I had a blast. When it boils down to it, having fun was the goal of the whole evening, and when I stopped being such an ass and dwelling on things, realizing that no matter what we're going to do well, then it turned out better than we could have possibly even imagined. And seeing Monica's face at the end, full of pride and love, was the true prize for me. Plus, free booze was cool.

So, job interview this afternoon with Bruce's brother. Then rehearsal. Then I think I'm going to buy a chair. Short post, but I've always had the problem of writing less than necessary.

Oh right, we went to Vegas last week. Did I forget to mention that?

I'm Fucking Awesome

I didn't get called back for Into the Woods. I've evolved from being disappointed to being curious about who these fuckers are! Luckily, they've posted everyone who's been called back online, so I can do a little research, and for the most part, I'm a little too young for what they're looking for, and probably too old for some of their other parts. Story of my acting life. It'll be better later in life, I'd imagine, but it's frustrating now, especially since that's my Favorite Musical. Well, One Of My Favorite.

There's one hope; the post at the bottom of the page says they're not calling back anyone for a few parts, particularly Jack. This could be simply because the parts are already cast, but maybe not, and maybe I've been cast as Jack. In any case, I emailed them asking as much... well not asking if I had the part, but asking if those who had not been called back could still be considered. Wow, acting is boring, isn't it? I need to start up my own theatre company so I can have that stress.

In any case, I think my disappointment (especially because I recognize some names on that list...) is just focused in a different form now, instead of pouting, I get curious. This is not to say I don't pout, that still happens a lot, but it just seems like in these situations I don't feel that emotion draining-ness that I've felt so often. Maybe it's a natural evolution, and maybe someday I really won't feel curiosity or poutness, just the general bummer and release, as you realize there will be more opportunities, and maybe ones that will come when you're better trained. As an actor, it's being prepared when luck strikes; that's something you can control. And because I talked through my bummer, I'm feeling better, and is why I'm Fucking Awesome.

I'm wearing a necklace I bought in hawaii

Just got called into Impact to read for Lysander. Kind of a funny situation, but it should be interesting. And besides, I'll be able to get myself seen there; always a good thing. I do indeed love that theatre, and hope to work there someday. Also! I have an audition this Friday for Into the Woods. I don't know what to sing yet... I'm debating between "No More" or "Unworthy of your Love." Either would work; I sing both pretty well.

So anyway, this post isn't a long one, I have to leave in about a half an hour in order to get to the workshop thing absurdly early like I usually do. Meh, maybe I'll leave at 5:15. If I'm late, I didn't make a monetary reservation. Man. Why am I so weird about this thing tonight? I'm just nervous. We say we like change, but it's always a little odd and scary. I'm of course worried for the worst, that this teacher will be weird and belittling. But you know what's the strangest? Totally nervous about working in front of people; part of the course is to be on the mic during the evening.

Whatever though. If it goes well, I've done something good with my life during this downtime. And if it sucks, I'll never have to see them again. Funny. I barely have enough cash right now... I don't know why I'm doing this tonight. But. It is pretty cheap. That's the benefit of going to one of these pickup workshops.

And 15 places applied today.

Sigh.

Did not put enough peanut butter and jelly on this peanut butter and jelly sandwich

Pretty much the title is what's been going through my mind as I eat my lunch. What was I thinking? Was I thinking we'd stretch the pb&j longer than necessary? I opened the stuff for the first time this morning. I'm a fool, and now I only taste bread with a hint of the joy that should be beneath the two slices. Also there looks like there's mold on this bread. Yum. We have to eat this shit fast. Not literal shit though, that would be grossness.

Oh! I just came up with an idea. BRB.

Idea implemented. Booya.

So anyway, I have my callback for La Cage aux Folles tonight. I hope hope hope they really consider me for Albin - the Nathan Lane role in the movie. He's the intelligent, cool dude. And I can finally play a part that's written as gay, rather than put gay subtext in the lines. Awesome. I don't do that all the time, just when it's fun.

And Midsummer is over. Closing night was fun, if a slightly unresponsive audience. And I already miss my new friends that I made throughout this run, and I'm already jealous that some of them are now working at Berkeley Rep for their next shows as understudies. But bleh, it'll happen for me someday, and they deserve to succeed. They're great people. (How's the new 'tude workin? Haha!)

Currently I'm studying my songs and sides, and in a bit I'll look over the script for Goodnight, Daniel. So much stuff on my plate, it's weird to think that this is over, but I have so much left in the year, and so much coming up next year, hopefully... In any case, gotta keep plugging along and enjoy myself, and enjoy this break from the working world to help pushing myself into a positive place in my life.

Oddly Very Disappointed

Didn't get into the St. Louis touring thing. I didn't think I would, given the strangeness I've been given from the people in charge there, but whatever. The funny thing is, the response from them was such a copy paste email saying, "actors from Chicago or Louisville often times come in and audition in person." Yes, people do come from places other than the St. Louis area, but I called specifically to ask if I could submit something electronically, and they said yes. Their other excuses were the normal ones: we need to make an ensemble of 25 characters, needs to be tight knit, etc., but as its so often true, they probably just saw that I lived here, and didn't give me a second glance. Either that or they already have their fat guy. Because of that, I have a feeling if I did audition in person, I wouldn't have been given a callback.

It's no point being bitter, and I'm not, but it's just strange how I can figure out what their thinking so easily. Maybe it's different. Maybe they thought I was spectacular but just couldn't use me. After all, I think I'm spectacular... maybe it's just a monologue thing. Maybe my monologues just aren't as wonderful as I think they are. Or maybe it's the fact that I'm living 2000 miles away at the moment that gives them pause when casting me. Or maybe they're just shallow. Sure, lets say all of the above. Although, I do think my monologues are pretty rockin, if I do say so myself.

Tonight I'm doing some stand in work for Rocky. I'm not too sure how to feel about it. It's with friends, but they won't be there, and I hear the director's a bit of a give an inch, asks for a mile type. So dunno what's that going to be about. I'm just happy I get to help out my friends whom I see very little of now a days; our circle just doesn't intersect.

Man, why am I so bummed at the St. Louis thing? It's not like it would have been much. Maybe it's me missing where I grew up, and this would be an opportunity to work and play there every day for a little bit. Plus equity points, that always is appealing.

Just on my mind

Why is it that when some asshole gets a role that I want, I just blow it off saying luck, but when one of my friends that I actually respect gets some role (or anything - job, toys, sex), I get incredibly jealous and reserved. Shouldn't good people be the ones receiving rewards? I believe so. I wish everyone who worked hard and were talented did get cast (or employed, entertained, laid). I say this in theory, but for some reason, it makes me feel really strange when my friends - good friends whom I've been talking with for a while now - are succeeding, and I'm... well. Not.

Then again, when assholes get roles, I feel pretty shitty too. But, laying on the stage yesterday, waiting for some monologue to be over, I had a bit of an epiphany. Or at least a reconfiguring of my thoughts. I'm going to try and be a nice guy. Sure, I won't be a complete nice person if someone kicks me in the face, and I'm never going to buckle.. but if someone's doing something I don't personally agree with (but is legal, etc.) then whatever, it's not part of my life, and I don't need to worry about it. Just keep going!

In that style, going to look at some auditions coming up.

I wish I was getting paid for my work.

Just finished week 2 of hundred pushups (I had a few false starts a while ago) when I decided to check my email. A few weeks ago, I had to drop out of a few reviews because I was sick, and honestly I really didn't want to go to the bayview district to see a show. Luckily I was indeed sick, so I couldn't go and get shot somewhere in San Francisco. Anywho, the editor is bugging me about going back to see the shows, and wasn't taking my hints, so finally I said I had been trying to fit it in my schedule, and wasn't able to (I'm so busy... right), so that someone else should go see these shows.

I'm in an odd place, really. This is really a job, and if you don't do part of your job, you get in trouble. However, I am a volunteer, and aside from making fun of my schedule, I am busy in most nights; if there were some day shows, I would love to go, but really... don't want to go to bayview right now. And those other shows? Yeah, I can't make them. My excuse is that I have paying work to go to. A reimagining of the truth, but I an argue that my nights working on finding a job is paying work. Either that, or I'm just getting tired of this. Getting tired of not getting paid for my work. Whatever. This may be an ending to my reviewing days, but who the hell cares? I saw some good shows, so I think I'm ahead of the game.

In any case, today I am a little busy. Going to walk to the post office, then the library, then back here. Then, driving to my computer and hopefully recording my monolougues today, to send them off to St. Louis for that shakespeare shit that they're doing. It's been hard for me lately, seeing many of my friends getting cast or in the very least getting called into places. Would it take them too much to just have me come in? I don't really even need to be in the show (but that would be nice), just some opportunity, people?! Is that too much to ask?! In any case, I've been sending out my stuff to theatres, so hopefully that'll pay off in the long run... and if not, I'll keep on bugging theatres, and they'll keep on saying they can't come out and see these shows, even though they say "oh yeah, tell us when you're in a show!" Some help that is. However, you could argue that it is just showing them that I do get cast, and if I keep on reminding them of that fact, the simple fact that I am a working actor.

Bleh. I'm worried about the magazine. But whatever. If they give me an ultimatum, it's simple - I have paying work that I can't pass up. And really, I can't afford to go into the city and see a show I didn't really want to see in the first place.

Change In Me

Several things I need to accomplish today:

1. Write the review for The Full Monty. Micro review: wicked awesome.
2. Call unemployment about check that's a few days late.
3. Profit.
4. Probably take a shower.

I'm going to try and write some of the review on google docs; I used the site before when I was working on my UNLV paper. Gosh, that was actually a pretty good paper, now that I'm looking back at it. In retrospect though, it needs a little work on it, and that's what I've been doing for the past 20 minutes. Fixing some issues, changing some sentence structure. You know, the usual thing that I would have done if the paper wasn't do that very same day. Ahh college.

Sometimes it's easy to forget how fun it is to warm up one's fingers in the morning before some writing needs to be done. Stealing a page from Neil, warming up in the morning with some typing, hopefully saying something profound, and then leaving, to write some masterful material! For me, it's just semi masterful I should say. Masteresque.

Exercise Log plus other

Huge walk from San Anselmo to San Rafael today, and before that some crunches and shit. I'm getting skinny, and I'm proud of myself. Now to just stop eating everything in my sight.

As usual, my life has been on repeat. Lately I've been very disgruntled with my friends' success in pretty much everything. I have one friend successful in everything, I think. Examples: Drew - Music, Jayne - Acting, Monica - Job of her dreams. I am happy for my friends, for sure! And honestly, I'm not a super musician or historian like two of the three, but goddamn if I'm a good actor, and a pretty spiffy singer. Things will turn around, especially with Drew's meetings with some pretty awesome companies around here, to bring Crazy to the Bay Area again next year, with really great companies. Hello Original Cast! Oh please please please. WOOooooOooo.

Stepped up the publicity for myself as well. I've been actually calling places to get jobs/acting work, rather than sending my resume and such into the wild blue yonder, and hoping things get better. Being proactive is the key. Especially since my unemployment check hasn't reared its beautiful head lately. I figure they don't really rush those out to help their citizens with troubles that might be going on in their lives. With that in mind, back to phone calls.

Catching up

I await my downloads to be done with a little impatience: I want to play my games, and I really can't while the bandwidth is being taken up by my musicals streaming their data down from the interwebs.

Don from my internet show, [deleted], is contacting me, saying they're going pretty slow in shooting today, and that if I'm flexible to start after 2pm, that would be terrific. I know this is how film goes, just a lot of hurry up and wait, but the problem of other film is that one gets paid. This is frustrating, especially considering that I don't want to be there throughout the evening, and I actually have other things to do throughout the night. Yes, it would be neat if it caught on, and if it did, I will be the first to say oops, and that I gave it too little support. But that will be when I can live from it. Lets hope it comes to that.

Anyway, whenever I call or text back, I get no response for about 20 minutes, and then get a message back, along the lines of... "Can U come after 2PM?" Which, of course, I've already answered.

This is, most definitely, a labour of love for a lot of people involved, most of all Don. But honestly, he needs to be in better touch with who he's using, especially since we're volunteering for this project. Whatever. I'm not going to go up there today until he says something definite.

Job hunt is going alright. Still looking, a few bites, but no one has flipped out their checkbooks. On top of that, I'm feeling huge waves of jealousy from a bunch of people in my cast, people who I really shouldn't feel jealous about; we're not the same type at all. The problem is, they're getting all these pretty terrific parts, all over the place, honest to goodness equity roles, and I'm still stuck BEGGING other companies to even consider me for just an audition. Makes me jealous and angry and such. You know how it is. And I'm hungry, so that doesn't help.

At least one of those things I can fix.