Wow, this turned out to be really ranty.

My journey through the normal traffic of the day has been going on for over a year now and I have to try and keep my positive attitude. It's definitely getting to me. When one sees, day in and day out, angry people driving sometimes placidly, sometimes aggressively, but always with a chip on their shoulder, some kind of unhappy sacrifice to the gods of nonbeing. Is this one of those epiphanies? I think I found the right word for how I've been feeling lately: nonbeing. I still feel and laugh and love to play games, but for the bulk of my day, I don't feel like a person. I feel like some sort of decoration, a pet of the office that people enjoy talking to, but not care about who I am or what I do.

They encourage extra activities, but I still have to lie to go do them - they're more likely to let me go to an audition if I say I have a stomach illness or my mom is sick or my car broke down. I hate that. I hate the way it makes me feel; lies don't make me feel good at all, but I have to do them almost every day to make up for the fact that I need to work on my craft, my life outside of this soul sucking world.

To add to this, Leah just came up to me and treated me like I was someone new, someone who hasn't been here for a year and a half. There are things I don't know, that's true, but treating me like I'm the new kid here is just getting ridiculous. She's probably simply frustrated about other things, but I'm sure as hell tired of being treated like I don't do anything around here, and with Bonny gone, I do twice the work! Granted, the work was never hard, but since I have no heart in it, it makes up for the fact that it's simple. Seems like every little bit of time I spend here, it grates on my very being, and is making me more bitter with each passing second. I hate it and hate myself for becoming that.

Mediocrity. More and more ways in celebration of that; moving the library of the office, learning a new bit of Excel or Word or Photoshop, and remembering to capitalize the letters of those programs. I'm tired of just living in this shitty world, I want to create, I want to add something and be something and bring more of my art to a place in the world. Still, my art is decided on the whim of idiots. We just have to continue. Or find a different kind of art. Or go back to school, I guess.

My audition last night went pretty well - they didn't take out their checkbooks, but they seemed pleasantly amused, but kept their poker faces on. As we know, that doesn't mean anything or it means everything. For Midsummer, they brought me back to callbacks after a similar "no reaction" thing. Who knows what's going to happen - I hope I get it. It would be a fun change of scenery... I need that change soon, please. As you can see, my positive outlook isn't shining through at the moment.