Taxes Done.

Really wish I hadn't waited that long, but now they're over. Finally. Load off my shoulders. Also, who would have thought I could deduct so much from student loans? Rock and roll huge refund! Wooooooot.

Plus the stimulus package that I get. Mmmm... sounds saucy.

Obligatory Post About The Weekend

Friday was probably the Worst Day Ever (or at least Worst Day That Week). Since I try and let things fall off my back relatively easily, I can't quite remember what was going on with it, but I did recall that I had a shit ton of shipping to do, as well as some busywork that kept everything stupid busy for a long time. Plus we were moving the office from Scattered and Numerous to Small Storage Space. It was a weird day. The Worst Day really wasn't for me though, apparently Monica had some really shitty times at her job, so we both were kinda ready to not be there; luckily she IS not going to be there anymore. Yay for new jobs! Woot.

Because of shithole day, we went to Iron Springs that evening for a delicious pint or two. Turned into a lot more than that, but we were fine with how that was going. A nice meal as well, and I officially thought that this would be my last meal out in a while (aside from my already scheduled ones). After a light meal of onion strings and quesadillas, we walked down past the Fairfax Theatre and I was reminded of Klunkerz, the film that Monica's dad was in, by a large sign saying... Klunkerz. It was a minor film fest, and it was already sold out. We found the party at Peri's, and walked in to find a pretty awesome folk band playing, and Bob (monica's dad) and Betsy (monica's mom) sitting there watching the show/waiting for the movie to start. We met the cinematographer, a very very LA guy, and the director, a very very cool dude who looks like he does mountain biking. It was fun.

In need of ice cream, we decided to walk to the Scoop, and the cinematographer came with us, just for the hell of it. I thought he was kinda interesting at first; he works with Steve Corwin and does almost all his stuff, as well as working on the Sarah Silverman show, but his bragging about himself got a little old. I don't even remember his name. He did love the ice cream though, and endeared himself to us a little bit with that action.

The movie was sold out, so we couldn't go see it, but we did take a look around Peri's, and there were all these old Klunker posters with all these people Monica knew from her childhood, as well as older looking versions of the same people walking around us. It was kinda cool, until Monica told me that a lot of them were assholes. Meh, happens. Good mountain bikers though! Did you know that Bob won the first official mountain biking race? True story.

After that we met up with Bruce and went to Aroma around 7:30. There we talked for 2 and a half hours. I love my friends. And I love Aroma/bagels with cream cheese and avocado. Yum!

Went home, watched CSI, and slept. It had been a long week.

Saturday was ZOO DAY! We got up and had pancakes and a leisurely morning, then went to my mum's house and met up with Bruce, and then to the ZOO! Yay! What a fun thing the Zoo is. I always have a blast. (Note: SF zoo is still inferior to St. Louis zoo, just like to point that out.) It's hard to write about the zoo, really. I mean, it's neato, especially the gorilla habitat, but after so many times it's just the same thing, so yeah... animals were neat! I got sunburnt. We rode on the natural gas train. That was fun and fast! Bruce got a hard on for the train; I think he's a little gay for trains. What does that even mean?

We made the obvious jokes about the tigers coming out and killing us. A good afternoon. Into the evening, we went to mum's house and had some fun there while I worked briefly on college applications and lots on Portal. They watched WC Fields... not too into that. (ducks so that the chairs won't hit him)

Next day I slept in and Monica had her sister's birthday party to go to. I didn't realize how much it meant to her for me to go (as found out later), but I was happy to sleep in; it seems like a rarity now. I got almost no work done that morning, instead watching LOST and Avatar and started Breaking Bad. I'm glad I was caught up, and am incredibly glad I started Breaking bad. That's a brilliant show.

I had a cranky day with Monica after that - we were both very cranky and hard to communicate with. Must have been something in the air. But we went to the deYoung, and that was very fun! Much more fun now that I think about it in retrospect - that's a really cool museum. We were still cranky though, and that didn't go away until the evening when we realized how stupid being cranky is. I hate being cranky.

More CSI last night, then sleep.

Today's been going by pretty fast, actually. I made it my goal today to try and keep a positive attitude, and so far it's been working to make the day go by faster. I, of course, had other goals too, which haven't been done yet. Like relearning Launce from Two Gentlemen of Verona, and taking a look at those Sunrise at Campobello lines. However, the main thing I need to do tonight is my taxes. I've put those bitches off long enough, and I can do efile for both state and federal, so why am I waiting? Because I'm a lazy bitch, that's why. Once that stupid thing is done looming over my head, I can dive back into learning more lines, because all of a sudden, I'm really engrossed in a lot of different projects that I need to juggle. Which is neat, dont' get me wrong, but I need to know Launce, Marc and Yvan from Art, and something for my Kaiser audition coming up later this month. Which will be either "What Was I Scared of?" by Dr. Seuss, or the only nice monologue from The Pillowman. It'll get done. This is nowhere near the shit I needed to do back in college.

Also, tonight (before taxes), I'm going to do Bollywood dance with Monica, if I can zip all the way to Fairfax in time. I am staying positive and saying yes I will be able to. If this dance class rocks it, then I'll have another thing to help me lose weight! I just need 4 more classes a week and I'll be great...

Got to work a little early and am finishing up some stuff/starting on maybe thinking about doing taxes. I did write a to do list.

The front office builder dudes are still here and are talking in Spanish. I'm picking up a few words. They're just standing around watching one guy do all the work. I think I went into the wrong profession. Plus they're all wearing hoodies.

Also, since I'm here early, I kept the phones off; people keep calling and it keeps going straight to voicemail. I love it! I love just hearing the ring go straight there. Haha. I'm an ass.

More later, probably. Had a busy weekend and I should write about it before it all flows away in my workbrain that forgets everything.

This may be what I do when I'm in for an upgrade...

Pricey prebuilt behemoths rule the PC gaming world, but with ever-falling component costs (and color-coded cables), why not build your own fraginator?

This day needs to end.

I think I'm getting the facebook addiction that so many of my friends succumbed to in their years of college. At the time, I was all, "Psh, what the fuck is this? I'll use it, but totally not check it every five minutes." Little did I know, that almost 2 years after graduating, I, too, would be falling prey to its sweet sweet embrace. It was like me and cell phones too, really, I was the last person to get one out of ALL my friends, and even then, I only bought the incredibly cheap one that came with the plan so we were able to get a rebate... one I think I forgot to turn in anyway. That's how they get you!

I started today looking forward to checking my email for this audition I have coming up; no, not to go to the audition, but to look for conflicts in the show or the schedule of the rehearsals so that I couldn't make it. Not my luck, it fits right in my schedule, so looks like I'm going to have to relearn that stupid monologue and actually work on it for this audition. If there's anything I've learned in the first part of this year, it's that even if you don't want to do this shit, give it your all, you never know who could be there and see you... and maybe then think of you for other projects! Woo. It's my tired old complaint about how burnt out I am of this area. Blah blah blah.

Also, it turns out that Run, Fatboy, Run, 21, and Stop-Loss all suck. It's a pity, I really wanted to take a look at those this weekend. I guess it's back to going to Horton Hear's a Who. That's right, Monica, I actually am going to see it. So what if I'm a flipflopper. (Also, you wear flipflops in HAWAII.)

Washing and Weirdness

I was going to go on a post about how I haven't washed my clothes in a very long time, but then I realized how many times I actually write about that. You, journal, are my personal whipping boy to my self consciousness about my cleanliness and non-wrinkledness. Like today. This brown shirt. One of my favorite shirts. 100% cotton, brown, breathes well, looks pretty cool. But I've worn it like 9 billion times since I've last washed it; it's all wrinkly and has a stain somewhere I bet. But I loves it so! And I really have no time to wash things, really. I'm largely seeing if I can hold out till I go to St. Louis and bring all my dirty clothes with me, just not pack ANYTHING clean. Haha! I'm an asshole.

Oop! Just remembered I need to grabs mes somes mores transcripts from Truman. Printing out that stupid page now... oh! AND I need to copy those letters of recommendation. Hm... Rick's is electronic... AHA! Here it is, scanned with his signature. I can totally copy that hardcore tasty abs. 10 minutes have passed since I read that last sentence; I wonder why I wrote that. Weird. I'm strange today. Maybe it's because I've already had to do SO MUCH SHIT this morning, and now there's a lull in everything. I wish it was just consistent, instead of waves of stupid stupid work and then nothing. At least that way my day would go faster. BLEHGHR.

Turns out Rick's letter of recommendation is personalized... so I may need to get a general one from him. Not too hard, he's a fucking amazing person! I also need to call Calshakes today and tell them I can't accept the internship. It'd be too hard to coordinate with my schedule with the program I'm trying to get into. Gr. Oh well. Happens, and I'll say it in a way of really wanting to do the project, but just can't - I mean, shit... MFA program! Maybe then they'd keep me in mind for next year.

Tonight Monica and I are going to her sister's house for some birthday bash action. I'm happy I was invited, but the car situation is a little tricky. We figured out how to do it by just coordinating a Great Car Switch at lunch, where Monica will pick me up from my house after I drop off the bug there. Then, she will pick me up from work! She really must want me to go to the birthday bash. I'm happy for that. How is she able to do that, you ask? Poor girl has a migrane today, so she had to stay home from work. Too bad for her work. So sad.

Yikes! Gotta run.

Typical Dreams

I dreamt last night of...

woah! Just tripped a circuit in the office and everything powered down for a while. It was okay though, I managed to find the right thingie and fix it. I wrote this on a piece of paper so I could keep you informed of all my happenings. And no, this isn't the dream.

So anyway, last night I probably had more dreams, but this was the most vivid: I was working on Sunrise at Campobello and it was opening night or some shit, and it was a classic actor's nightmare of not knowing any lines. However, I did know I had a show coming up, so it probably was just my fault, not the fact that I had just botched it and forgot I had a show, or that someone just put me in a show.

Anyway, I wasn't stressed. I simply looked at my lines before the show and stumbled through some scenes. People weren't noticing, I was getting cocky! And then it hit me. My supporting character's breakdown scene in the last bit of the show. (This doesn't really happen in the play, by the way.) That scene didn't even cross my mind, and now it's coming up. What could I do? I couldn't bring a script on stage... or could I? No! We don't do that in this theatre! (Even though I totally would if I was actually covering a part for someone else; it's done all the time in professional theatre.) So I panicked, and then woke up to Monica making pamcakes. So all is good. Everything's fine!

But I did take a look at the schedule to make sure the play wasn't coming up anytime soon.

So... what could this mean?

I cracked open my fortune cookie and there was nothing inside...

Does it mean I'm too good for a fortune; that everything's going well, and I need no advice?

Or does it mean I'm doing much much worse...

Something fishy is afoot.

(There are tons of people around my desk right now - when did I become the hub! I'm an asshole!)

1 section done!

Worked on UNLV paper, setting and location for action. Done. Now all I have to do is finish up the bibliography (annotated and all) and do a polish and send it off with the rest of my packet. I'm getting excited. I also need to finish up a thingie for them, just a personal essay, but I did that one long ago when I didn't want to research the goat. Golly gee, I don't fucking know why this paper has been so hard, when actually writing it has been so fun! I should have done it ages ago.

Still looking for others though, I didn't realize how many pretty cool looking programs state schools have. And the cost! JEEZ! I should have checked those out before. Even with the stupid governor giving cuts to the school system (and other stuff, but why the school? want to take away the intelligence and opportunity of the people who are going to run the country pretty soon? Or even better, that'll just make us go to Hawaii for an education) the price is still very reasonable for people who aren't of super duper means. Fuck those big schools, it's the state ones for me. I should have applied there in the first place.

Other news. I've been getting weird vibes for a very long time at work, but I haven't been doing anything differently. Like, I have been doing a good job and all, but only when things are really rocking and rolling do I feel like I've been doing something. 's weird though. Whenever I get a task, I drop all my surfin around and doing personal crap to do it, and whenever things need upkeep, paper, coffee, pens, etc, I drop what I'm doing to do it, it's not like I don't do my job. But for a while now I've been feeling that people expect more, and I don't quite know what that means. I'm doing what I've been hired to do... maybe they want to give me more responsibilities; if that's the case, they need to tell me. And then pay me more.

Also, just found out that Yusef has his audition today in San Jose! Go Yusef! Woo! Sending good vibes out there; he's a really cool person, and I'm lucky to know him as a pal. I hope he gets in -then again, I really hope I get in.

Been fucking around with googlepages. Making web pages online has never been easier. Awesome! I'm going to mess with it some more and then actually go back to my real tasks of actually completing these applications. It's really easy and fun. I'm looking into it to make a website with my master resume, etc., without having to actually worry about real shit like code and stuff. And if I ever get around to, oh say, learning flash animation, I'm sure I can upload that there as well, under a different section. OR at the very least, upload it to youtube and then link to it on my site. Google keeps on doing wonderful things. It helps to have a benevolent rich superpower in the world.

Okay, back to doing work to better my life. Sheesh.

Lo! Horatio!

Been looking into the program at UHM. Pretty average to cool, really. And one of the paragraphs said that priority casting goes to UHM graduate students. So it pays to pay out the nose. I also got a facebook message from Raphi, an old high school friend. Apparently he and Chris Robinson (another old friend) are down there, like... living. So that's pretty cool. He seemed excited. It would be fantastic to live there, and a fantastic experience in my life. I'm still keeping my eyes and ears open (LA, I'm looking at you) and will get my goddamn UNLV app out this week or my name isn't Horatio! What?

Hm!

I just found out I get no super financial aid from UHM, just the usual loan shit. Lets hope that I can get some more schools, so maybe I'll have some leverage... I did find that article about the Graduate Assistantships on artsearch... maybe that was just getting people who were already there or to get people like me to come in and apply. I DID already apply. Maybe I'll bring that up to them.

Still, it's my backup if I don't get anything else... and after all, it's just money.

God, ellipses much in this post?

Mostly Sweet, Some Bitter

I got into the MFA program at UHM. Pretty fucking awesome. I'm incredibly excited. I never thought it was a terrific program, but I have a feeling if I do it, I'll have more clout in many different places once I have a graduate degree under my belt. The only silly thing is that I've been checking the classes/plays that are done each year there, and nothing's really wowing me about their program. Still, my mom said something cool just now:

And, I think, Ben, you will benefit
from the time spent studying and they
will benefit from YOUR input.
THEY DONT KNOW HOW LUCKY THEY ARE.

So yes, it's pretty wicked awesome. I think it's just the typical me being worried about the future. Also, some other wonderful things happened to me today.

• Had a great audition for the Academy of Art - one of their student films.
• Had Calshakes offer me the Internship - grad school's more important, but right on.
• Had North Bay Shakespeare call me in to read for Midsummer.
• Had a better-than-lackluster interview for Zeum. Probably won't take it if they offer me, but hey, keepin my eyes open is pretty spifftacular.

Add that to my great audition at San Jose Shakespeare, and I'm doing pretty well! I sure hope my luck continues, particularly when I visit Vegas in a month, but also for other schools, like the state ones I've applied for. I mean, Hawaii would be fucking fantastic, but I don't think many casting directors head down there. I do think ANY program will be beneficial.

I had fresh hell at work though. I won't go into it; don't want to dwell. Shitty though. Hellish shitty.

Here's to hoping for more programs! But... ya know.. if my backup school is Hawaii, I think I'm doing pretty well.

Fun and Wonder

I had a terribly unproductive, yet eventually fun, weekend. It was unproductive because most of the things I wanted to do were left undone in the wake of other activities. However, I did keep most of my promise, and almost all of my paper is done. I'm excited about that. The rest is more just filling in the blanks and finding factoids. The easiest part. And honestly, looking up classes is simple, and finding some more schools isn't hard; all I have to do is do a search and scramble together a package to send to them - I'm pretty sure I have all they need, a little tweaks here and there and it'll be perfect for a different school. I guess that's the blessing of applying for a shitload of schools, once you get one down, you pretty much have a formula for the rest of them.

My one of two productive thing was going to the meeting for Sunrise at Campobello on Saturday morning. The director, Rich, seemed like a harsh dude at the auditions, but here he was way more cool than I remember. He just doesn't have a censor sometimes; he says a lot of stuff that doesn't make sense and is kinda vulgar. But the show could possibly be incredibly successful. His idea was to do it in an almost expressionistic tone; we'll see how that shapes up as the rehearsals go on. The Cool Thing we did saturday, though, was watching a memorial for the local Fairfax celebrity, Chuck Day. He died not too long ago, and was a really groovy person in this area, playing gigs and such at 19 Broadway (I think). I didn't really know who he was, but he was a friend of Monica's family, and it meant a lot to her. Especially because the memorial was a New Orleans type parade with music and happiness and fun. It was very touching. Afterwards I was incredibly hungry to I went to M&G's; I think I'm getting tired of that place. I was able to get a few pages done on my paper too. Happy for that.

Went to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom (Formerly Marine World Africa U.S.A.) yesterday. I was pretty much apathetic to the whole thing, but Monica really wanted to go, so I bucked up and we headed to there. The problem with me now is that since I've been to Disneyland, I'm totally underwhelmed by every other fun amusement park. We did get season passes, and I did have a good time, so I think we'll have a really fun time once I get more into the swing of things, and once it gets hotter so we can go on some water rides! Woohoo! Also rode the Roar. And I just about pooped my pants. I don't do rides very well. Then we went home and slept. I do believe I was promised margaritas, but that didn't happen. Oh well.

Today I had my audition with San Jose Rep. I think it went surprisingly well, considering I hadn't really worked Sganarelle much. Tim's monologue, of course, went swimmingly. You never know. I mean, he was nodding his head and looking pleased the entire time; it seemed as if I actually did something different for him, or at least started the day off with some energy. Who knows! Our job as actors is to audition, so that's what I gotta do! (Speaking of that, gotta look up the directions to the Academy of Art, have a movie audition there tomorrow.) In any case, it went well, I think, and if the least I did was put my energy out there to show him that I exist, that's terrific. The best would be he casts me for all the shows... (Hello PUTNAM COUNTY SPELLING BEE!) but we'll burn that bridge when we come to it.

Just got some amazing news. But I need to read more about it.

Mapped the route to Academy of Art tomorrow, pretty rock and roll. It's an easy walk from the ferry building, so I can easily ride in with my mom and go back early, getting to work at a reasonable hour. Yuck. Work. But still, if these go through, I might be in a (student) movie! (Would be nice if that movie that I auditioned for and did a great job would call... ) And it would be $75! Not bad for an addition to a reel too.

I'm really happy for Monica and her new job. Jealous too, but that's to be expected - she's doing something in her field that she will (hopefully) enjoy! I'm totally stoked for her. AND if I get the thing in Santa Rosa, we may move up there and I can get a part time shitty job up there, do my shows, and she can work at the museum. Win/win. Also, win/doing something different with my life. I'm ready for a change.

Wow, more good news. Zeum just called, "WOULD YOU LIKE A PHONE INTERVIEW NOW?!?!" No, I say, let's do it later tonight. No, we can't! I'm leaving early, they say. So I scheduled it for tomorrow at 1. Cool beans! We'll see how that goes, and I can look up stuff about what I'd do at Zeum. Rock and roll. My day is looking up... now lets just have some shows call me up!

Going on a walk today. Then to Best Buy for a big ol' external hard drive.

Um. That's it.

Yikes.

Wow.

I just had that strange weightless feeling you get after thinking you've lost something very important. The relief that comes from finding it afterwards is almost worth the quick loss. (It was the key to the car, totally not in my pocket, but on the floor here. Whew.)

One long laborious hour left in the day, luckily I hope that half of that hour will be full of delicious barbeque and beer, or at the very least, soda. I do have to drive at 5, after all, and I sure as fuck am not pulling a Myra and getting too drunk to go home, and then staying at work. Yeesh. I wonder how she's doing. Rocking out in a job she actually wants, probably; she's very much an office person. I sure as fuck hope I can spend the majority of my life outside an office, changing the world one piece of art at a time.

Hulu is pretty cool. Too bad I don't have a private enough place to watch videos here at work. Maybe it can work to my advantage someday, and then I can watch tv to my heart's content. No LOST there yet, so I'm not chomping at the bit to get a free subscription. That's valuable time that is wasted signing up for a subscription! I could be... staring at entertainment weekly... or writing a blog entry... or... fuck it I'm signing up.

I also found this through my newest best friend, google reader. It's a graph on how you can stomp those cravings out with nuts or with specific healthy foods. For example, you want chocolate? You probably just need Magnesium, which is found in nuts and fruits! This is gonna be wicked awesomez. Unless what I really want is chocolate, and in that case it won't be as awesome.

Monica and I may go see Spike and Mike in the Mission. It's a weird animation thing that I've really only heard of in snipits before she told me how awesome it's going to be. We may do it, may not, I'm kinda tired tonight from this shitstorm week of hell that was this last week. And fuck, I really still want to see Horton Hears a Who.

Been messing around with google reader. I had set it up in the past, and promptly forgot about, but it hadn't forgot about me, keeping track of all the groovy little rss feeds I've subscribed to, geeky tools, tech sites, theatre shit, and blogs, all compiled nice and neat in front of me, over 1000 new articles for me to browse! I really had forgotten about it. It was even those experiences where I read about it, thought it was neat, and then signed up for a new account, which then just redirected me to my old account, with billions of surprises! Yay! It's like a present on this miserable Friday! Huzzah.

Jesus, my mom just sent me this email about Tim's friends:

tim (tin) has been in touch
with a mutual friend of his friends
who were killed.
Apparently they were on a canoe trip
over christmas break. They capsized somehow.
(probably another passing boat that may not have even known)
and they just couldnt' get out of the water.

Marty (one of the dead)'s father was waiting
on the bank to pick them up.
They never answered their cell phones.
They were found in the choctahatchee bay, tied together.

awful.

Apparently this happened in 1999, and we're just finding out about this tragedy now. I've just been thinking how much this has been affecting Tim and how he's mostly been hiding it. It's weird though, I didn't know these guys at all, but it's probably affecting me in a similar fashion. And then I think a weird thought like, wow, this happened almost 10 years ago, this is now very fresh in our minds, but for their friends who were there and closer in touch, the pain has dulled a little. Time heals all wounds. But it has a habit of causing new ones down the road. This whole thing is putting things into perspective.

25 Minutes

Lets see if this will help the day go by faster. Hm. I bought my tickets for Vegas earlier today. It will be a madcap dash to the airport after my show on the 25th, but I'm sure I'll rock it out fine. More like, I'm sure my mom or tim will rock it out fine when they drive me in a madcap sitcom scenario to the airport so I can get to Vegas before midnight, or I'll miss the party! And that certainly can't happen!!! Oh noes!

I'm so funny. Ha. Ha. haaa.... brain leaking out of nose... must get tissue...

Kotaku , in it's maxiumum risky tag, said something about a video game where you get sex if you win, sex if you lose. And it's so popular that they're already making a sequel before the first one comes out. Yes folks, this is the thing I look at at 4:45 in the afternoon, maybe I'm hoping someone will catch me looking at mildly nsfw and fire me. Maybe not. I don't even care this late in the day. Especially since I practically moved the entire front office back by myself. And that still only took an hour and a half. I think I'm getting too fit. Things get done too well when I'm around.

And now, a picture.

Blank stare.

I've been feeling very meh about exercise lately. Like, it doesn't give me that same burst of energy it used to, just tires me out. I think I've hit the point were some people just say fuck it and call it quits or go back on their diet or something, but I really need to stick with it, and even though I don't want to go on a walk today, I sure as fuck better, or else I'll feel bad about myself later.

Now that I really think about my meh feelings, it's mostly been that I'm feeling very much meh about life in general. I started out the year with a rush of feeling and work and emotion into my future, and now I'm just sort of in a limbo that comes from sliding down the climb I just made. Shit, even the standardized patient thing was fun, but now it's over, and I haven't even been paid for that! I better fucking get that check soon; I had to take that time out of my schedule, so it's time for it to come back to me. BOOYA. I don't know why I just said booya.

Plus, I haven't been worrying like I should have. I have shit coming up that's important - taxes, for one, but also grad school shit and other boring stuff including travel. The first priority really is to get the taxes done, but I still have no idea how to do anything. I guess I'll just fuck around online and see what they say. PLUS I haven't started taking any classes like I promsied I would and haven't fucked with my new sewing machine. The only thing I've consistently been working on is eating healthier and exercising every day (minimum of a 30 minute walk each day), and ya know, I'm proud of that, I just I was doing more. And of course I missed the deadline for a bunch of places already; the voice class I wanted to take, the first voice over class down the street from where I work, and tons of internship deadlines, not to mention the other schools that I've just now found out about - state schools yeah, but they seem more my style anyway. (cheaper. is the style, in case you didn't know.)

So I guess the only thing to do is to do something. I'm just putting this out there so that when I read this in a week like I usually do, I'll remember how I should stop reading this at work, get off my fucking lazy ass and finish what I started. Or I could be better and make myself a checklist and do at least ONE big thing this week and into the weekend. Whether that be apply for internships or finish the paper or crack open the sewing machine or sign up for classes, by the end of this weekend, at least one of those will be done. This is me Officially Sending Out My Positive Energy To The Universe so maybe it will help in nudging on my path I've set out; that's all it really is, I just need to take the steps. And if it's the wrong path? Fuck, whatever, I'll figure it out. Chalk it up to experience.

So this isn't just a glorious bitchfest, I will say that this morning did go by rather quickly - I installed 2 keyboard trays, one for Bill and one for myself, and now my fingers feel incredibly better when typing; I've actually increased my wpm... but have also increased my errors, come to think of it. I can only get better, really.

Is it weird that I'm REALLY proud that I just wrote 3 sentences in my paper? Goddamn, I used to be better at writing papers, but that's what the "real world" does to you. This stupid soul sucking day job is taking away my creativity and now I have nothing but a pile of pee to look for inspiration.

That's mostly a lie. I do wish I had more time to flex my creative muscle, but truth be told, I'd probably be complaining about it just the same. And I gotta fess up to this, my job isn't that bad at all. If I give enough notice, I can get out and do auditions, and they're giving me a flexible schedule in the evenings to do my show. That, however, does not change the fact that no matter how flexible this is being, my soul feels very very sucked at the moment.

(Ow, fuck. Just bit my lip.)

Looking to the future, I really really hope I get into these movies and shows coming up; if this is going to be my last year here in the Bay Area, it would really be neat if I went out with a bang.

Has It Really Been This Long?

Gosh, it seems like only yesterday when we were flirting. Sure, it started from a tragedy, but it brought us together so fiercely that I couldn't deny the love I had for you. Man, 5 years is a long time. How the time flies! Just yesterday it seems like we were starting on a high note, and we were going after the man who brought us together in Afghanistan. He's still hiding somewhere out there, that old kook! But since then, our priorities changed, and we've evolved as a couple. We were a great team in the beginning, War on Terror; we had such fire and passion in our couplings, and even I, who is really against violence in all forms, was in support of your crazy antics of killing, maiming, and ruining people's lives. I mean, we just loved each other so much. It's been a long road for sure.

Wow, I remember the first time we met. I was sitting in my music theory class in high school. I remember it was the start of my Senior Year. Man, was I so over high school; so ready to be in college, ready to start the world. Of course, back then I didn't know your name was War on Terror, it was just 9/11 - a beautiful name! - but even then I didn't really know your name, it was shock that bought us together and made us who we are today. But can you believe it was almost 2 years before we actually started our relationship, WoT? Wow! We could have been so close so early on, so many missed opportunities. But we made it in the end, and we fought for each other and to keep our relationship alive, even when it was going places we never thought was possible! Who would have thought this crazy ride we were on would have brought us all the way to Iraq! I mean, I didn't even know you knew anyone in Iraq! Oh, you didn't? Okay, well that's cool anyway, Iraq's a nice place. It isn't now? Well, I haven't really been paying attention these last few years; graduating, applying for grad schools, etc.

You know, maybe that's why we've been a little rocky these past few years. I know some people don't like our relationship, and I gotta tell you the trugh, I haven't been fully commited to believing whatever the fuck spews out of your dad's mouth. I need to remember though, that he's really the honest, truthful man in this situation. And plus he's the president! So it's a win/win situation! What a great guy. So what if he was wrong and "hurt" the constitution a bit. It's not so bad; we're certainly safer now. Hell, before you two came along I didn't even know about Afghanistan or Iraq or Terror! Now I'm so fucking afraid I have to physically will my body not to shit my pants every day; that's how important you guys are to me. I am so glad to have you protecting me and my freedom. Fuck Terror. That's what I say.

Here's to 5 more years!

Happy Day After Drinking Holiday

It's like my mind is covered in fog today. I kept on waking up all night last night, plus I went to bed so late, got up so early, and didn't eat breakfast. Now I'm reaping the benefits of this horror by having another grueling day where I'm too tired to think. Also the alcohol last night probably didn't help. Maybe this is a hangover? I've never had one of those before. Doesn't really hurt though. Meh, whatever. I'm sure another cup of coffee will help. OR IT WILL KILL ME.

I've been trying to find some more Shakespeare pieces to add to my very limited repitoire of shit that people require because everyone gets a hard on for Shakespeare. I found a funny one in Comedy of Errors that wasn't funny when I saw it performed because the actor was a freak of nature. And I think I want to crack out Launce from Two Gentlemen of Verona agan, that one was simply silly and I need to show these directors what I exactly want. Or what I can do. Most directors can't get past the fact that I am not shaped like a leading man, so why then am I doing a leading man monologue? (Albeit a sinister one.) Blah blah blah, there's stuff out there, I just need to keep on looking. I did find a pretty good site to find specific points in the text. It has a search function, so it's mostly easy to find. Lots and lots of popups though. Fucking internet.

Found it. It's pretty good. Forgot how silly it was. People need to see me as a silly bo billy. And if both my monologues are comedic, at least they're contrasting.

Boring day so far. I have a feeling it's going to get really exciting later when all the shit I've ordered for the past two days shows up at once and I have to install keyboard tray after keyboard tray on various people's desks. Including mine. My hands are sore from having to type in awkward fasions for the past few days. Bleh. It's amazing how easily fatigued we get if we're not doing something correctly. If it keeps up, I may have to object - yes, I am that kind of a pansey. Construction's a lot less today too, which makes it quieter and more wonderful up here - I am SO isolated from the rest of the office; it's great. And for some reason everyone's being really nice to me today. Do I have a cool hairdo? Maybe it's a sign of good luck for my audition tonight.

Got a call from my dad last night; he left a message which I still havent listened to, not out of not wanting to listen to it, but out of forgetting to, and when I have my phone around me, I'm not listening to it.. because of laziness. Like right now, instead of talking about it, I could listen to a message from my dad. But instead, I'm going to write about how I could be listening to it right now. See? Still haven't listened to it.

Goin for a walk at 10, just around the block. Mostly to run my monologues, but also to break up the monotony. I think I'm going to do Josue and Edmund. But I may do Boy Who Ate The Moon. Dunno. I think since it's a repertory theatre, they'd like to see shakespeare more. Woot. Also singing You Rule My World and Comedy tonight. Or maybe Alone in the Universe. I have a lot of audition pieces. Sometimes I forget that.

Coffee breaks over, back on your head.

Weekned

I seriously thought I would get more done this weekend on my paper, but it turns out I didn't really waste time, I just had way too much shit on my plate! I did jump in this morning and wrote another page to my analysis this morning while I had no internet, and now that I actually do have internet, I'm probably not going to write for another week. AH! The life of a writer. Or a whiner. Both work, I think.

Before I dive in and document my weekend so I can read it later, I want to say I'm eating a grapefruit right now, and loving it. It's taken me 3 hours, but I'm finally at the last piece. Now, I eat a grapefruit a little different than most people eat grapefruit. You know that way when people cut them in half and scoop 'em out? Yes, I was a poor loser like that once upon a time. Now I have seen the light. First of all, none of this half a grapefruit shit, when I'm in for a grapefruit, I'm going to eat the whole fucking thing. Second of all, I peel it like an orange. YES YOU HEARD ME RIGHT! (jesus, that last sentence took 3 times to type with all the typos I'm doing today.) And third, the most important part, I peel the skin off each individual slice and eat the fruit in the middle. That's the sweet part! It's the skin that makes it sour... which, ya know, I don't mind too much. Yum just finished it. A delicious breakfast that lasts a long time.

Friday.. can't really remember Friday. I know it wasn't the night I hung out with Bruce and David, because that was Thursday. Maybe I just chilled. I think that was it. But I had mom's blue bug, so it was fun to drive. I think I was just super happy that I got off work. OH RIGHT. That's right. Friday was a really strange day at work where I kept on fucking up. Like over and over I fucked up. Not too cool, if you ask me. Then, nearing the end of the day I filled out my timesheet wrong. And then I got in trouble for that. AND THEN I went home and played BioShock. That's right. I remember it being a really strange day; I had never played BioShock before, and at the end of a strange day was the strangest time to play it. Fun game though, scared the shit out of me. THEN I had a chill evening.

Saturday I had an abbreviated visit with Monica in the morning, then headed over to mom's where we then headed to Pacifica for Joan and Lauren's Birthday Bash. I thought it was going to be a small gathering, but I bought a large cherry pie anyway, just because if that was the case, I could have more than one piece. Not the case. Their (large) house was full to bursting with friends and family and babies. Lots of babies. Honestly, you really had to look where you walked, there were so many babies crawling around. I guess that's what happens to you when you have a baby, no matter what party you go to, it's always a baby party full of babies and lots of couples that have them. What's weird is that this is around the time in a dude's life where he starts thinking about that kind of stuff. And a party like that probably, in most people's lives, would invoke feelings of "love" and "yearning" and "wanting to have a baby." Not me! I still don't want a baby, and this made me not want one even more! These people with newborns looked my age or a little bit older, what with their groovy look and tattoos. I mean, everyone there was REALLY cool looking, but they all had kids and were acting like suburban couples. It was an odd dichotomy.

Didn't stay for long; we brought Dot to the party and she's incredibly allergic to cats. And Joan I think has approximently 89 billion. So it was a short visit. I did have some cherry pie though. And the ride back was mostly uneventful. That little blue bug has a surprising large backseat. At least for a Ben sized person it was comfortable. Although, no one else was in the backseat, so I didn't have the true squishedness that is a backseat bug rider. Scared the shit out of myself some more playing BioShock (lightning in my hand is pretty cool though, I hope they write books set in that world) and had a relaxing evening.

Sunday Monica and I walked into Fairfax to get some breakfast at Fairfix (haha, clever), and headed into Sausalito for my movie audition. It was at an old shipyard building place around where I work; I drive and walk by it every day and I've never gone in - it's really cool! Tons of artist's lofts and really neat artwork all around, and only part of it has been restored, so it has a really retro feel to the entire place. So cool!

I was about 15 minutes early, but I thought if this movie thing was anythingn like the other ones I did in the past there would be a line that stretches out to oblivion. So not the case. I was the first one there, and in the time, only one other person showed up. She was cool too, and a little weirded out by the fact there was no one else there either. Anyway, the producer arrived, and I helped bring some of his shit upstairs; he was a pretty cool dude, very indie. Then I ran my pieces and he had me audition. I did a "slate" for the first time in 14 years and did my pieces without a whole lot of movement, because, damn! There's a camera RIGHT THERE. Pretty cool learning experience too. If nothing else, I would have done an audition for a camera, so rock and roll. Although I do think there are a few characters that I would fit very well. A funny exchange happened at the beginning, when I walked out to help with the load in:

Producer: Hey Bill, Joan, Emily, thanks for coming. (Ben walks out.) And this looks like an actor!
(They chuckle.)
Ben: Of course, I mean, look at the sweatervest, come on!
(Chuckles.)
Producer: Only an actor would wear one of those.

It was funnier when you were there. I thought so anyway. So yes, my audition went well, and they said multiple times that I have a face for the camera. Awesome! Really cool. And no matter what, I had a great time; this audition was a win win situation, even if I don't get it, I had a really cool learning experience, and I'm only an out an hour of my life on a beautiful Sunday morning when I'd probably had been sleeping anyway.

After the audition, Monica and I headed into the city to go to Stonestown to check out the clothing scene down there. We needed to get some clothes for Nick's wedding, and we wanted to look smashing together. Didn't really find much, but she got some leggings and I thought I found Beyond Good and Evil, one of my favorite games that I lent to someone YEARS ago and was never able to find it back. Turns out it was just the box, and they didn't find the game. Boo. But I did find Dark Cloud 2, which I've been looking for for a while. It was a good find that day.

Later, Drew and I took a hike and we talked about life, and future, and troubles we're having. You know, guy shit. He's a cool dude, and we hiked for like A BILLION YEARS. It was an amazing walk to this beautiful waterfall. I'm not gay though, I hate nature and love football and farting. To prove it, we went to In and Out afterwords to eat delicious meat and strawberry shakes. I MEAN BEEFBERRY SHAKES. Not gay.

THEN Monica and I hung out that evening! A great weekend. I hope that after my career has started in movies because I'll get hired by this one, I can look back through my blogs and find this post and see what I did for the rest of my day after my first movie shoot. Haha. Shouldn't get my hopes too high. But still, I'm excited about my future.

Love,
ben

Quick Morning Post

Good luck Monica!

At my movie audition.

It's a block away from my work, and in one of those old ww2
buildings! So cool. Even if I don't get the movie, I'll have seen
some neat architecture.

Monologue I've decided will be Boy Who Ate The Moon.

It's after noon!

Obama requested -- by didn't appear to get -- $4.8 million for another light-emitting diode project. This one uses LEDs to heal.

Rock and roll! Star Trek here we come! This is why I want a younger guy in office, I can totally see Barack and I hanging out in our parents' basement, drinking mountain dew, watching a Star Trek marathon and then rocking out on Guitar Hero. This is the person I want for president.

Also, he's really cool on a shit ton of other issues. I hope that more young folks like myself get up off our asses on election day and elect him. That's the only way we're ever going to change this country; they need to stop worrying about the swing voters and work on the non voters to come in and vote. If appealing to something else, giving them something more to think about, then maybe, just maybe, all my friends who've said they have never voted will come out of their stupidness and take 15 goddamn minutes out of their lives to try and change this country for the better. This is why I would have to change my attitude a bit if I ever went into politics - I get too heated about topics and lose my cool. That's pretty much my only flaw. Well, that and my gay prostitution ring.

KIDDING.

Just about lunch time and I'm not hungry. I've been munching on (healthy) shit all morning, and I feel great. This new eating regime is really working, I think, and it's making me starve less when going through my day - add a walk on top of that and I should be biting my arm off, but nope! Seems fine to me! Today I'm planning on going on a walk, but it may rain, so we'll see how the sky looks in an hour, and if it's bad, I'll just save it for some ddr and weights tonight. All are good decisions. Although I really have to get a new DDR mix; the songs on this one are getting so boring.

Apparently my dad didn't get or chose not to any of the emails I had been sending him about my upcoming trip with Moncia to Nick's wedding. We'll be in St. Louis for about 7 days, and I was hoping to be able to stay with him at the house. So I have to try and ask him (again) if we can stay there (answer was yes, but still, it's awkward), and he blames me for never asking him in the first place. He's such a weird fucker, why can't we just help each other out? It's not like I'm going to be there all the time; I have a bachelor party on the 9th, and the rest of the time Monica and are going to rock out the great city of St. Louis. And "rock out" means scramble and try to find something interesting to do. No no, it's a great town.

I'm also probably going to send my stuff to Quin at Arrow Rock. Like he'll cast me, but maybe with an updated resume and some San Francisco Sparkle (ha!), it might cause him to sway his opinion and give me a little role in one of those silly shows down there. Meh, not really, I doubt he'll give me much time of day; we're kinda acquaintences, but he goes to New York and LA and blah blah - I'm sure he's found all he's looking for throughout these auditions. But still, doesn't hurt to try, he says with the enthusiasm of Ben Stein.

Yum. Eating leftover turkey burger from Iron Springs last night. That was a fun night. Played a little Smash Bros. (controls are VERY weird, gotta get used to them) and then walked down there with Monica. There we met Bruce and David, and had a lovely dinner and drink (I had their Barley Wine, something of which I've wanted to try for a long time, good shit) and there was varying degrees of friendship going on. David and Bruce have been friends for a billion years, and David and Monica have as well, while Bruce and I have been friends for years, and Bruce and Monica haven't. This was the 3rd time I've met David. Anyway, just struck me as a different dynamic; the different styles of relationship we have with each other, etc. Don't really know where I'm going with that, but it struck me as interesting at the time.

Played a little Warcraft III, fun shit. I'm surprised that I never tried out that game when I was playing Starcraft. It's the same game, just fantacised! So much fun. I may have to go pick up the first few warcrafts as well, and then try out Diablo again. My next big purchase, however will be Xbox 360, when they get their Blu-Ray Player bundle. If that doesn't happen, I guess I'm going to just have to get a car. I mean, sheesh. I do really want one of those fortwos though. If I were to get a new car, that would be it.

Did I just end on a preposition? Sorry about that. I've never got the hang of how that works. Or shouldn't work.

Skies cleared up, looks like it's going to be a beautiful walk this afternoon. This place is beautiful. That's really the only thing I'll miss once I leave. That and the high gas prices. What?!

Other news: Gassy today. Must be the meat. Haven't been eating meat as often as I used to, and this gas... let's just say I feel sorry for anyone who comes near me. Luckily, they leave quickly, hopefully to spread the word that I'm stinky so no one will come near me. I hate them all.

Woo(t)!

Went to Best Buy last night for some retail therapy, even after checking my bank account and realizing that retail therapy at this point might keep me from actual good things in life like groceries or getting a used car. Doesn't matter to me! Haha! Live in the moment, it's what I say! So I went and bought me some Super Smash Bros. Brawl! I haven't tried it yet, but that will be for tonight. Also, on a whim I bought the new Crystal Chronicles - so far the action sequences are very similar to Rune Factory, without all the farming. So I'm cool with that sorta, it's just more action, less farming. We'll see how it progresses; right now I'm just wading around in the shallows of the first few chapters - it looks like it might be a great game.

I've been working on my UNLV paper. Mostly vague work finding books and such that I can look through for some facts that I want to touch on. I have a feeling once I really start to dive into the writing process this weekend, things will turn out okay, and I will enjoy writing about a show I want to direct. After all, it's something I want to do, and if you enjoy your job, you never have to work a day in your life. I'm not certain that it will get me in the school - it's a tough program that only accepts a few directors, plus, I haven't really been directing around here - no one will hire me in that capacity! They say I don't have enough experience... but but... without experience I can't get hired or in a school that would give me experience! Ah the joys of this world we live in. Maybe it's just this country... I might have to get out of here and experience how wonderful the rest of the world is and finally see either how lucky I've been back at home or how much of a shithole my life really is in the states.

Wow, I think my concentration is off today, I just spent the last 10 minutes staring at various old emails about workshops and shit that are coming up, and realizing I probably couldn't make it to any one of them, let alone pay for them. This stupid business of connections is expensive - I guess I'm tired of it too. And of course there's the part of me that doesn't quite want to get a monologue critiqued, because, I, of course, have the best rendition of this monologue and no one can make it better ever in a million years. Then, once they DO make it better, I'll be like, oh cool! But then retreat into my defensive and criticized state that I usually do, even if I have PAYED for the class and am actually PAYING for this service. I don't know why I get defensive. So that's why I don't want to go. Of course, on the other hand, I really should get over that, and the best way to get over that stupid block is to just keep doing it and keep getting critiqued (because there are tons of people who will do it for you, some for free!). We'll see if I I do it. After all, classes will always be there, and I have a lot on my plate right now, what with new video games.

This window has now been open for an hour with me writing for bouts of 10-15 minutes at a time, thinking of what to say, then getting distracted by things I apply for or what my friends are doing. A lot of my buddies from Truman have been getting a lot of work. Good for them. Jealous a bit, yes. Not like I'd really want to do low paying summer stock or live in a historical reinactment mansion... but I would like to work some more. Come on guys. This one play every 4 months shit is getting to me.

Oh yeah, I am in Sunrise at Campobello! That's a good sign, and gettin' me some equity points. Just emailed their casting director about a general audition slot, but it's right when Nick's wedding is scheduled, so maybe I can just get to callbacks. That reminds me of a few others I should send my information to. Man, doing my own thing at work takes time!

It Means No Worries

Holy crap dude. I really didn't need to worry about that shit yesterday. I was blowing it way out of proportion. Leah and I did have a talk, but in the end, I sounded more cooler than I was before. I was the struggling artist trying to do my art but having to survive with the man watching my back. Of course I would get into a few scrapes on the way, but I am an artist, and I have to seize my art wherever I can! Leah was very supportive of this concept; I am incredibly lucky to have such an understanding boss as well as a flexible job! She did threaten me with moving back to the 8:30 to 5:30 schedule, and I said to give me a little more time, and I would always give at least a week in advance if my schedule needs to be changed. Unless, I said, I got a lead part in a movie, and Leah said, well of course. So cool! It'll be weird once I move somewhere else. Although I bet in a place that is more saturated with actors, they are used to people that need to take off at a moment's notice.

I've been in an awkward situation lately. My two friends whom I love have broken up and are probably never going to talk to each other again. This has caused ripples in the friend-space continuum, and I'm not sure if they can be repaired easily. It's just the awkward place that a friend gets when two friends, made independently of each other, break up. That's all about that. Kinda on my mind lately; these are my very good friends and I hate to see them unhappy. But whatever, they'll get over it. Not like it's the first time someone broke up with anyone before.

My day moves on. I wasn't able to take a walk today because I forgot to bring my lunch over from Monica's. She assembled me a variety pack of delicious snacks, all of which I was incredibly excited about. To celebrate this pack, I left it on her kitchen counter. Amazing. I plan on taking a walk around 3, hopefully just a little jaunt around the block to get the blood pumping, and to cut some time out of these seemingly endless afternoons. I suppose I could actually be doing more work, but damn if I've actually finished most of my tasks for today; for now it's just answering phones. I'm sure something will pop up at 4:30 that I need to figure out. Some ultimate fedex that someone just HAS to get out.

I've also sent some information to the places I collected from artsearch (blue man group, for one!) and other tech and film stuff from craigslist. Turns out there's a lot of people casting shit out here! All non pay, but this is the kind of stuff I need to start doing, then build up my reel, and then I'll actually have something when I move to a bigger city that actually has an industry. Play the game some more. Which is why I'm probably going to go to this "audition workshop" (what I refer to as "ripoff") for the general auditions for 6th Street Playhouse, up in Santa Rosa. Shit, couldn't hurt, and I'd make some connections, and it's only $25 bucks. Pay it forward... although it sounds like stealing to me. But what the hell! Whatever that can help you get in the door, I know once I move to New York or LA I'm going to need to take some classes in order to get seen. That reminds me... maybe some stuff at ACT is in order.

No walk at 3, just got done with a big project, and through the miracle of a paragraph break time has passed, and I recieved a call from a guy doing an independent film. I was on the toilet at the time, so didn't answer it, and he didn't leave a message, so I'm in that phase where it is returning a call, but it's not returning a message, so it sort of means that I'm still making the first verbal move. Email doesn't really count as a move; you could ignore emails so much easier than phone calls, where you actually have to deal with someone. I am no longer afraid of dealing with people on the phone, thanks to this job, but you never lose that little bit of nervousness that comes from calling someone for the first time. I guess if I don't give a fuck, I don't ever have to call him again and I can delete his number. So there you go. I'll probably call later tonight.

Alright! Time for a walk around the block!

Weekend and Worry

This weekend was an interesting one. But enough about that. I just got an email from Leah saying we're having our lunch today (woo!) but she wants me to take a short walk with her in an hour (boo). I had a feeling this was coming up, and I am still nervous. I'm going to just try and not care, because you know what? This isn't the end of the world, even if I get in trouble, it's not. Even if I lose my job, it's not. And I'm pretty sure that I won't lose my job; the worst that could happen is that I'd be on a watch and couldn't take off any days - I have been taking a lot of vacation and away from desk time. Way more than a lot of people do. I think it will just be about that. YES I am going to see my friend's wedding, and YES it is a long time away from the desk, but that's what I believe in right now in my life. I believe in my friends and and family way more than anything this stupid job could ever offer me, and I know that no matter what happens, at least I can truly say that I work to live, not live to work. This will not be the end of Ben Knoll.

So yes, this weekend was full of mostly normalcy. Saturday was a fun romp around the neighborhood going to garage sales and looking at bikes; it was a magnificent weekend. On Sunday, we actually WENT on the hike we were supposed to go on but never got around to it, mostly because the parking was full at Phoenix Lake. Beautiful! Went and saw some friends of ours in Thoroughly Modern Millie, which was spectacular for a high school production. I went and hung out at the Gasparini household, and that was fun as well.

Yesterday was filming for Mission Street Rhapsody. I met Benjamin and Peter Bratt, as well as the two people starring in the film. They are all very nice people who are deeply involved in this really nice project. It was the usual hurry up and wait process that is film, but it was a lot of fun, and I got to dance a lot with a surprising amount of homophobic actors. I doubt anyone will think we're gay, just really good dancers, because after all, that's what the real world is; gay people don't really ever touch each other, they just are really good dancers on the ground, all of whom are incredibly fit. I just love the real world. Too bad I don't exist in it.

Grr. Worried about this walk later. I just don't really know what will be said? Will I not have a job today? Will I cry like a baby like I usually do when confronted with the problems that I cause? Will I not care? Jeez, I have no idea. Does Bonny know already too? Have they been interviewing people? You know, I really don't care, and it would probably be a blessing in disguise if I actually didn't work here anymore. Maybe I'd find a job I actually enjoy, or one in my field... or something else that wouldn't feel like a bottomless pit of despair sometimes. The real weirdness is though, is that I'm not terrible at this job. I'm apparently one of the better employees they've ever had here. Sure, nobody's perfect, but I do this job well, and I do get a sense of pride with a job well done. But if something in my PROFESSION in my CAREER pops up, I have to grab it. There's no question. Even with the willows, I HAVE to do it. Ah well, it's what we do as theatre people.

Then again, maybe I'll just get in trouble for saying that I'm going to get fired to some people. I am legitimately worried.

Monica's internet has been cut off at work.

This actually happened 2 days ago, but I didn't write about it. I know why it makes ME really frustrated; I mean, I still have the internet in all its glory, but I don't get to talk to her all day like I used to using chat. Now for those readers who gasp and say "That's using company time! You're evil!" I still get everything done. For the most part. At the end of the day when she leaves her job and I have an hour to squish an entire day's stuff.

Her email was also taken away! It's just weirdness all around, really. She can't accept or send any emails that are to anyone outside of her company. What does that mean? Why are they being so Big Brother about this? Didn't they ever hear about employee morale? Whatever happened to treating people well and then they're loyal to you because you treat them well? For example, if I was busted for internet use I would feel so heartbroken because I love this company so much. Actually, I'd be a little disappointed because I actually respect Leah because she's earned my respect.

Anyway. Just stupidness, really. Took a walk today at lunch, up and around a hill in a different area that I usually go. It was pretty fun! I like exploring new places and causing all the MCCs around me to look at me strangely, after all, I'm wearing clothes I found in a thrift store! Oh man! Some of those houses were really wild though - so fucking big. And I saw the most evil people walking in and out of them. Must be evil if you can have that huge house and not have to work in the day. Weird. Maybe that'll be me one day! *sigh* I can't wait until I'm a complete dick with tons of money.

Hooch today smells good. There are a lot of wonderful things about this job; the people, the fact we drink every friday, the huge bees that almost stung me. Where the fuck did that come from? Jesus, it's huge! Now I'm having some pains that may or may not be a bee sting. I don't think I was stung, but goddamn if my side hurts now. We'll see if I have a psychosomatic reaction. I love me being crazy! YEEHAW!

Sent 3 more things out to agents today. Fun. I'm going to give you one guess how many of them will respond.

Yum! Food time.

At Least It's Saturday! Oh wait...

My job is becoming more and more unbearable. Luckily, there may be an end in sight. Joe (big boss dude) is acting very strange around me, and Leah (my boss) is acting the same. Either they're both hiding the fact that they want to fire me, or they want to repremand me for something pretty big. But they need to have John, who is the even bigger boss, to seal the deal. Or maybe it's just overuse of internet. Or maybe... I don't know. I do know that without internet I would not have lasted as long as I have, probably not even a week. Especially now, since I've been writing more - just blogs, nothing to change the world - but still, it gives me an outlet to put out there into the world, and then I can copy them all and put them on my computer so I have them with me forever, and can see how weird I am many years down the road when we can make log entries with our brains.

Dinner Club was amazing last night. We talked about a lot of really cool things, probably because we weren't at a restaurant and we weren't trying to wreck up the place (Drew's House), and we had a little more invested in the meal since we were making the food. Well, I bought a cake, so I wasn't really making anything. We talked about what we want from art and how we wish the world was a place to make art. We talked about how I should just quit my job and find a job in my field, and how I can't do that, because the world we live in isn't like that and there isn't just a magical theatre job I can get. He even said, to help my sanity, that he would give me voice lessons, after my complaint that I'm not that great of a singer. I said last night that I'm coming to the conclusion that I am not what everyone wants, and the parts I get are and will always be rare; they need thin handsome leading men. Then everyone was very supportive of me and gave me a lot of compliments, which honestly I wasn't fishing for; I was genuinely sad about my prospects. Needless to say, I felt better about what they said. They certainly wouldn't lie to me - I have really good friends. Except that they're only advice was to move to New York. Which, ya know, is great advice, but I already know that I need to get out of this shithole theatre community.

I've been trying a bit as well. Yesterday I sent out my info to 3 agencies, and today I'm going to send out to some more. I think my next step really is to find a color copy of my headshot, but a part of me thinks that's just nitpicking the whole theatrical experience. Sure, the trend is definetly going towards color, but it doesn't really matter in the long run whether I get it now or later. However, if there is a good copy somewhere of my beautiful shining face, I will grab that and print them out at some professional place. Like I said, it's time to play the game. So maybe I'll take a workshop or two (and blow my money) and then hopefully someone will notice me and I'll get an agent that way, or a show that way, or something that way. It's all about getting seen, and being known, and I don't know shit about that, really.

Which is why tonight I am going to take up Drew on his offer and go into the city and see a concert. I have no idea who these people are or what they're going to sound like, and it certainly doesn't seem like any connections in the theatre community, but what the hell, I'm going to go out and meet more people and have a good time. Even if it's not meeting people that will further my career, I will be meeting people and having new experiences, which is certainly very important for life in general. And you never know who may be involved with theatre or in the future might. It sure beats sitting at home and playing Knighthood or LOTRO tonight. Even though it won't stop my stagnation, it will help me be more confident in experiencing new things, and that will help me leave the area.

Speaking of Knighthood, people have been stealing my vassals. Yeah, I know, that's the name of the game, really, but it's hard to get them back. I don't know if I can rescue Holly today; the Baron who stole her is now superly more powerful than I am. I guess the only thing to do is ask for a ransom or something... or just build up my defenses and offenses for a while and take her back at some later date. Yes, I'm a dork.

Writing and Walking

I was talking to my mom this morning about writing; where we write, how we start, you know, the usual pretty normal/bitching about stuff. I was telling her how I find it hard to start things here, (except, I guess, blogs) and that I should start at home and then continue it at work. I mean, the last time I legitimately wrote something here was not that long ago, and it was something I was pretty proud of. But it was also only 2 pages long. The time before that was 4, and before that was 10. So with this track record, I'll have a 1/2 to 1 page garble by the end of 9 hours working on it here.

Anyway, instead of actually working on my future, I'm playing Knighthood on Facebook. It's pretty fun, and passes the time. I still have no fucking clue what I'm doing, so I'm mostly just randomly attacking people and trying to steal their vassals. I really have no idea what I'm doing, so I figure people will eventually steal all my vassals and I'll get frustrated and leave the game. Aside from that, I'm having a blast!

I'm more just frustrated, when thinking down the road about UNLV. Will they really take me in for their directing program? Honestly, I have NO recordings of my stuff (as good as it was.. and it was really good!) and no pictures at all. I really should have thought of this as it was happening - but I guess it never occured to me that I would actually be applying for schools later on. I just thought that would never happen.

Well, the only thing I can do is my best. Write a kick ass paper, give them my directing/tech resume, and see if I can track down the copy of my show that may or may not be floating around Truman's theatre department. Hm. Maybe Justin Been has any knowledge of that. The great experiment begins! I'll ask him, then he'll say no, then I'll be disappointed! Huzzah! Ha, too much Knighthood. I'm a good director; I just want the opportunity to do it again.. and if paying someone would give me that opportunity, plus a piece of paper that other people drool over, then fuck yeah I'm going to go for it.

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Meanwhile, I can't even fathom why it's only been 3 hours since I've been here. What gets me is that I've had a lot to do this morning, so I figured that would make the day pass at least a little bit faster, but here I am, sitting and wondering why it isn't at least 2. Or at least time for my lunch. Bah, what the hell, I'll just eat a little bit of it early, maybe at noon, then save the rest for when I come back from a walk.

Walks are another thing; I'm kinda tired of walking to the same places every day. At least with my workout video it was pretty cool and I'm able to get more of a heart pumping, but with walking, it's just kind of a boring walk to Sausalito, where I see a beautiful view of San Francisco, then head back, on the same boring road. Maybe I'll head in a different direction, but I don't know - I just wish it was hillier here so it was a bit harder, so that my time on my walk could be a little bit more challenging. Blah, maybe I'll just take a different route today to see if I can find some hills, and not have to go into tourist central downtown Sausalito. BLAH I SAY.

Idear for food soon

premade whole wheat crust from trader joes, refried black beans, rotel tomatoes, cheese, green onion, black olives with low fat sour cream and guac on top.

delicious? I'll decide later.

Phone Thing

This is weird. Blogger just teamed up with GrandCentral to make web dialing that keeps numbers private and shit. That's pretty cool. So I put one at the bottom of my blog here. Right on. We'll see how it goes, but if it's stupid, I'll take it off. If it does nothing, then I won't do anything with it. If it rocks, then I will give GrandCentral a hug and fuck around with their services some more.

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Bleh, so I'm eating much healthier than I was before, but maybe celery has gone too far. I'm giving it a shot, and I might be able to get through this tiny plastic bag, but I'm not making any promises. I'm only thinking of the time I can eat this airlike meal and actually be full. I just need to eat periodically more throughout the day, and have bigger breakfasts. Just so fucking tired all the time. Maybe that means I need to be more active anyway. That'll help me not want to sleep everywhere at every chance. I just wish that our culture respected the individual more, rather than the concept of working. Of course, we need to work, it's just the nature of the beast, but if companies believed in the personal more, helping people in need, then maybe we'd have happier workers who weren't always trying to get out of their job. I wouldn't mind forced exercise every day too.

But here we are, the sitting at a desk employee. Ever more sedintary at work, even more in the evenings. That's why I'm looking for full time acting work. And after that, I'm looking for full time tech work, where only part of the time I'll be sitting and contacting people, the other part I might be up and screwing in a light or building a set or managing scene changes. I love the theatre. I wish I had more insight with it than just saying "man I love it." (This blog comes to mind when thinking of theatre's cool ideas.)

As for me, I think I know my shit, I just have been so numbed by the past 2 years that I think I'm getting stupider towards the art that I love. Of course, what to do? Maybe just read some more, read about my art or technique or whatever. Take a class. Or not, I think I missed that deadline too. Sigh. Well, this week, Ben: Get off your ass and apply to the rest of the shit you've been meaning to apply for. You've been pretty good, honestly, but you just need to keep doing it. Play the game. Do it from work when you don't feel like your soul is being sucked.

Why is it so hard to do this stuff from work, anyway? I mean, for the most part I'm not doing anything. Just reading and doing mostly random tasks for people. Like now, delivering this box to Mike Pon's desk. One moment. There, easy as pie. I guess I'll give some of this a good start. Like that paper for UNLV. Or maybe some other stuff. I'm on to my B list schools. Judging by the length of time UHM is taking, I have a feeling I won't be doing that. I dont' think I have enough youth theatre experience to really qualify the training. But that's why we learn, isn't it? I mean, why hire someone who already knows everything? Shit, I hate that.

Rant rant rant. Anyway. I hope to have a good workout tonight. I'm also going to go for a walk today, it's an amazingly beautiful day. That's the good thing about working around here, the walks are gorgeous.

Another Audition Weekend

Impact and Willows went well. Impact really loved my pieces; why wouldn't they, they're my age and pretty cool people. Plus, they're under a pizza place, what better thing can you get? (Better money, for one... if Willows hired me, I'd have to take it.) After the very quick in and out audition, they said they would keep me in mind for callbacks, Been hearing that a lot, actually, I thought, and you know that if you type in italics it's like your inner monologue. And I left to walk around Berkeley for a little while.

I find Berkeley to be a pretty cool place. I would love to live there if it didn't interfere with my plan of Getting the Fuck Out Of Bay Area (GFOOBA). Anyway, walking around the area was fun, and I got my exercise in for the day. I also feel that it's a great place to hang out in with other people. Walking alone had its merits, I could pass gas whenever I wanted, but walking with other people just makes everything seem better. Plus, if I passed gas there, it would be funny.

I went to Comic Relief. I don't know if that's my favorite comic book store, but it sure has a comprehensive collection, especially of the more indie comics, as well as Dark Horse. Gotta love me some B.P.R.D. I bought the Abe Sapien comic, 2 of the new BPRD 1946, and 3 of Mouse Guard: Winter 1142. After walking around in that store, I remembered how much I LOVE comic books, not just the trade paperbacks, but the small ones, I loved collecting them and putting them in bags and then taking them out and reading them again. So today I'm going to look up some sites that I can look into monthly subscriptions.

Gah! Just remembered! I HAVE to pay my student loans today! Have to have to have to! Or at least get started in sending that shit out. Huzzah.

I got tired of sitting around Berkeley (even after a talk with my bud Kai.. oop, gotta email him sometime today), so I went to the Willows around 3. Good thing too, the traffic getting down to the highway was pretty awful, and it took longer than Google Maps said to get there from Berkeley. One beautiful drive later, I still had 2 hours before the audition, so I stopped at the first place that had free WiFi for my iPhone. Panera Bread! Delicious. Soup in a bread bowl, lemonade, and a muffin. Yum. Still an hour left, bored, I went over to the Willows. As usual, I waited for ever. I read The Goat. Good play. Can't wait to write about it later this month. I read the scenes I was going to read (clunky, bad play).

6 rolled around and 2 other actors were hanging out with me. I started talking a bit to them, and they seemed like good people. With only a touch of Actor, I could actually talk to them about other stuff. Of course, the only thing all actors have in common is acting, but these people seemed to have well rounded theatrical lives that included watching tv, playing video games, and sleeping.

Read the sides. Boring. Waited. He gave me some direction, did it, he was unenthusiastic. Got some more sides. Read them, a little more over the top. He was unenthustiastic. The casting director is kind of an asshole. Done and done. Gave the dude I was talking to a ride to the BART station and headed back to Marin. Beautiful drive as the last lights of the sun were still shining. Saved the reciept.

Yesterday I was sicky. Not terribly so, but I had a long drive ahead of me to Carmel down Highway 1. Talk about beautiful! But it hurt my ass, so I had stuff to complain about. Carmel is a cute town, but I just headed over to PacRep and did my audition, which seemed like a waste of time (it was a SF director, don'tcha think he could have stayed in SF and just, oh, I don't know, had us read up there? Just a thought.). Did my monologue, he had me do it again, "This time as a skinhead." Sigh. Casting directors. Gave me 2 other monologues, did them well, he seemed positive that he would keep me in mind. Whatever that means.

Long ride back, especially since I hadn't eaten most of the day. Beautiful drive though, watched the sunset over the ocean as I hit Pacifica, and missed that place terribly. What a wonderful little land. Got home in record time, something like 2 and a half hours, rolling in at 6:45, to find a place with no food. Ah, the joys of my situation.

Jelly Bellies were prevalent, and Tim went to the store and came back with a PIZZA! He's the best. They're the best. Then Monica came over and picked me up and we hung out/she slept while I ate some pizza and watched Futurama. Then I checked out Woot to see what the deal was; unenthusiastic, I went to bed.

Woke up legitimately sicky. I don't think I'm staying the whole day today. Maybe at home I can get some rest and catch up on all the shit I can't do while I'm essentially working 2 jobs. Hi ho the actor's life for me!

These Actors...

Maybe I'm in the wrong field. These actors are just talking about the
field and what they did to get into their agencies. Also, they are so
happy that they know their Shakespeare. Jesus. I'm so fucking tired of
these mediocre actors getting parts and thinking they are the shit.
They are, in fact, shit. A slight grammatical difference, but an
important one.

Michael Apts doesn't recognize me.

Maybe these bad actors would be less fueled if they didn't have idiots
going "Woah!" at their mediocre stories of the time they were a ghost
in a scene.

This car cut me off

Good Gravy

Cool day yesterday. Monica and I went to Sacramento for a little adventure - the most adventure I was having was just a good eatin' time! I ate way too much - so much for being the dieting man I once was. Well, I still am, there's just time for cheat days. The day was mostly uneventful other then the magnificent cheap pizza we had in Davis. Sac State was pretty boring, reminding me a lot of Kirksville, and I thought to myself, Do I really want a grad school that reminds me of Kirksville? I mean, shit, I could just go back to Kirksville then.

Anyway. Good times, and we walked around campus - it wasn't really terrible. But I'm getting ahead of myself! Jelly Belly Factory was first! In Vacaville or Fairfield or wherever the fuck we were, we stopped and got ourselves a tour of our favorite candy! Delicious. Boring tour, but I bought 6 pounds of Jelly Belly Bellyflops afterwords, and have been enjoying the irregularness of my candies/bowels.



This was after the tour. And I'm eating them right now.

Sacramento was cute. It was big, and the capitol was pretty. We got to see the Stanford Mansion, and it was a beautiful place! We weren't able to see Monica's old office, but it still was neat to see the job she hated. Wait, that came out wrong.

It was a fun day! Just not very eventful. It made me think more like, why live in California if you're not going to stay near the coast? Sure it's cheaper inland, but it certainly isn't very pretty. Well, okay, the sunset was magnificent, but that was because of the polution. Plus there were tons of chain restaurants! We went to BJ's (heheeh) and had a delicious pizza and a delicious cookie/ice cream dessert called a Pazookie.

Drive back was pretty, and we made it to Midsummer Night's Dream at College of Marin. Um. I don't know what to say about that show... except maybe it was the worst production of that show I've ever seen. And that show is HARD to fuck up. But ya gotta admit, it is a college production... what, there are people from the community in it?! Oh. Well then. They just fucked it up. I dont' know if I'll do a full review.. but I might just want to express myself a little more eloquently on the matter, rather than just vent about how terrible it was. Bruce was great of course. Ariel was fantastic! Um. Costumes were mostly great. The fairies were a little... steriotypical fairies. I mean. You don't need fairy wings. We get that they're fairies. Anyway, the rest was great. Except for the donkey head. Ugly. Seems like they almost got there, but didn't quite hit the jackpot, and instead got the consolation prize of a really friendly audience. I have a feeling my negativity and sighs were overwhelmed by the old fogies who LOOOOVED IT.

Also, there was an orchestra. It was pretty, but too interfering and too long. Mendellsohn's music was beautiful.

Cast party too, but I was tired and have an audition today for Impact Theatre for 'Tis Pity She's a Whore and was called in to the Willows for Sunrise at Cabrillo. Both I'm kinda not excited about. But it's what we do.

So yeah! Ta da. Tired. Don't want to go. And I still need a shave. I'll do that in 10 minutes.

I should shave.

I'm waiting for Monica to come pick me up, because she's awesome and is going to drive today, and although I should be shaving, I am instead going to post a picture of my new haircut.



Aren't I beeeautiful? Yes, I know, it's messy, I just got up. For comparison, see this last picture of me:



Auditions tomorrow, not nervous, just bored with them.

Sacramento today, should be fun!