Mostly Star WARRRRSSS

I'm super excited about the new MMO The Old Republic, however, their last one, Star Wars Galaxies kinda blew, especially since everyone wanted to play a Jedi, and lets face it, they were really mismanaged when it came to every other class.  Now, this is a new publisher, and designers, and blah blah blah, but still, when there's a choice between a gambler and a blaster and fighting a religious war, I'd choose the religious war.

Lets just hope that they focus on every style of gameplay; there's a lot more to this universe than crazy monks.  Its a thing, I think, Star Trek did right - sure there was some psychic stuff going on, but the focus was that the majority of people out there really didn't have super powers, kinda like the real world.

Anyway, there's a cat on my lap right now that needs attention.  Did I mention that I'm house sitting?  Well, not anymore; I'll be done after I leave this morning, but goddamn if I'm going to miss this cat.

Who?

Oh golly I love Doctor Who. And even this new Doctor is pretty awesome, although it'll take a little bit before I really enjoy him compared to the old one. But at least he's pleasantly quirky. British shows really are more awesome... why is that? Better writers? Don't care enough about sex? Action? There's plenty of action in this... and a little bit of sex, but nothing that American audiences want.

Well. Perhaps its because we're prudes here, but in reality we really need sex, but because we're religious we can't have it... but... brain fart. I think it makes sense, if my brain didn't fart. hehe, fart.

Delve deep into my world...

Here's something about Ben's life:

For the past... oh year or so, the internet at my house blips on and off, even with lights on the modem. I've had hours of discussions with Earthlink about this, my mom has had hours of discussions with Earthlink about this, and I bet even the cat has had a few minutes. They're in India, so that's cool, and I understand all about not really knowing tech so they have to go by the book at the problems on our end, but our problem is a special problem, it turns out. But that's later in the story.

Finally, they've agreed to send a tech guy out to check out the internet here, saying it will "be fixed permanently." Mom and I both doubted that, but in any case, we said sure, why not, and was told that we would have to be here between 12 - 4 today.

11:55 rolls around (rock on!) and the guy comes, a slightly gruff sort of chap with a dark beard and a receeding hairline. He was nice enough, and was early, which was even awesomer. He told me all about what he was going to do re: the internet, and I followed him for the most part. After 15 minutes, he came downstairs (I was wrapping presents at the time) and gave me the scoop: it's more than just our house, he's had a problem, and has tracked it down to the load coils outside, which is good! He can't touch them (they're another businesses' property), which is bad! The best, he said, that he can do is tell them about it, but since its so close to the holidays, no one's really going to get out in the usual 3-4 days they'd take to fix the problem.

Beauracracy at its finest, I know, but I'm just happy we have a solution on the horizion.

By the way, did I mention that we chatted about this over eggnog? Oh yeah, I'm totally hospitable this holiday season.

More fun Ben stuff:

The tub at M and I's house was clogged big time. It was my fault, I poured sponge cake batter down it, and it turned into a sponge. Not really, it was sand. Anyway, Bob (m's dad) came over and we totally rocked out that shit, successfully unclogging the tub, and pushing all the sand out, or wherever. But everything drains! It made me feel very masculine.

Aaand I totally forgot a present that I was supposed to bring this evening. Luckily, I have plenty o' time to get it.

Boring to most

My morning was filled with Tasks. Eating. Exercising. Fixing the Taillight. Those certain things. I assumed these Tasks would take me most of the day, well, the fixing the taillight part, but nope, I'm done, and sitting at home going through some of my music collection, some of the bits that I never really get to.

It's odd having lots of music, and only really listening to the same things over and over. I never was one for listening to a wide variety of music, as Monica can attest. Over the years that I've kept my music collection in one piece, it's been growing bigger and bigger, with various "Track X" at the end of the collection, just sitting there waiting to be categorized. Theoretically, I could Shazam the entire bit of them, and see all their information, but that would take way too long, so I've been fucking around and putting songs that I think go together in playlists. It's a tedious late morning activity, but surprisingly fulfilling.

Other news: my pants are looser. This could be stretching, but I like to think its because I'm losing weight.

Other news: Drew and Keith are in town, and Monica and I went to see them last night at a gig drew was playing. It was awkward for some reason.

For the most part, the weird sense of disappontment is going away,
it's taken more time than most, but in the end it always evaporates;
it's my defence mechanism after all. I think why it's been so
prevalent in my thoughts for the past few days is because my good
friend from Ben Franklin DID get cast, and she thought she did a bad
audition, and I ( as you know) didn't, and I thought I rocked their
socks off.

Their loss after all.

CAPS LOCK

Read an article earlier this week about quick workouts THAT ACTUALLY WORK! I'm not one for fads, but the exercises in here actually seem pretty interesting, and can be adapted for longer workouts THAT PROBABLY WORK BETTER! I did double the reps I would normally have done, for example, and realized my workout went about an hour, during most of the daily Bordain that I happen to watch in the mornings whilst unemployed. Because of my extra long workout, and reading an article about pushup technique, I am exceptionally sore, even in my gut, and I didn't do any crunches... my theory is that they tense up during my AWESOME PUSHUP WORK. Whatever works. It's a good sore.

Because my other reader (hi, jenny!) doesn't read about auditions, I'll keep this short: just got a rejection email this morning from Fountain of Youth: "While you're audition made an impresson on us, we decided to go in a different direction." What they really mean, however, is when they ask for "all shapes and sizes" they really mean "one shape and size." Story of my life, but hey, that's why I'm exercising, for good health and to look even more exceptionally sexier than I already do.

Mon has made a TV watcher out of me, and this holiday season reminds me why I don't make a habit of watching TV; the commercials are so consumer happy, and my continuing and increased belief in socialism has made them even more vile to my taste. And those cheesy diamond ones? I long for a time when I can kill 4000 people so I can bring a not so precious rock to the country and give it to someone who I'll have a statistically 50% chance of not being with in 7 years. FanTAStic. In any case, we did watch some Heroes last night, and it was fun, even if Mon decided to go to bed in the middle. Come on! Don't want to watch what Sylar has to say?

Daphne was here this weekend - Mon's college roomate/bff. She was a great houseguest, and an awesome, intelligent, cool person, and I dig cool people like that. Let's hope she comes back soon... or we can go to Phoenix. Yeah...

Merry Consumermas One And All!

My Rant

So yes I've been reading the Twilight series, and no, I'm not a teen or pre-teen girl. There's a lot of good in these novels, to be sure, and they definitely keep me hooked and wanting to read the next chapter when it comes to the lore of the world. It's a good story, and there's a reason why it's been so popular. However...

This whole world of Bella not being able to live without Edward and Edward going through so much angst about not living with Bella is bullshit. People breakup, and they deal with it, they don't become zombies for months at a time, and even if they do, they eventually get better! Gasp! I know, Stephanie, that you've made a fortune out of these books, but you need to take your little mormon head out of your mormon ass and realize that real people don't behave like this. And fuck, vampires don't behave like this either, if you're painting them as complex people in every other sense, with complex emotions.

Additionally, it's painting a stupid picture for young women. Bella, at the beginning of the series, is a strong, independent and smart young woman, ready for everything, can do everything, even survive a new high school (although why she'd move... whatever) and live successfully with a steriotypical dad who can't cook and a steriotypical all caring, but can't do anything mom. But why oh why does she lose all this independence when she meets her boyfriend? Yes, it happens, you don't see your friends as often, whatever, but now everything in her life is focused on this man. This man who, incidentally, makes all her decisions for her, and she just smiles and goes along with it. Jesus.

Why is this popular? It makes me sick. Whatever happened to strong women? I guess we don't need them when we have strong men around.

My New Plan by Ben Knoll

Starting next week, I will also be starting the rest of my life. The Rest of My Life includes:

• Applying for grad schools. I need to start my research again.
• Uh, I guess apply for a voice over class. I still have the money saved for that.

Why have I been putting these off, you may ask? I don't know; I've been pretty consistently in shows for a while (hurray!) and focusing on my job hunt (uh, boo) and after Ben Franklin is over, it will be the first break from a show I've had in... wow... 6 months? 9 months? It's been a long time. And now with the break in sight, I'll focus on my further future, rather than just the short future (which includes more shows! woohoo!).

Also: I have a bump on my nose. I think its a weird form of skin weirdness. If it breaks off (which it does sometimes), it bleeds, and it also hurts. Then it grows back. It is a weird skin thing, for sure.

Port of Amsterdam

I could use one of those PsiCards the Doctor has. It'd be nice to be able to show anyone anything they wanted to see. How fun.

I'm having even more of a blast working at moon; I knew it would be a good idea. Even better though, I sent some information to a new production coming up next year, and they had come to see moon last night, and liked my performance, calling me in! I don't quite know if it's a callback or an audition... could be a little bit of both, or all, or whatever. Any way, it's more exposure, and a possible show, with some new friends. If Ben Franklin has done anything to me, it's refueled my belief that making friends doing shows will bring friends for life; I am very happy with this cast, and it proves my point.

Been working a lot on applying for jobs, no shit, and for some reason keep forgetting to bring myself a snack or a lunch. Budgeting myself some time, I believe if I went a little bit early to the show, giving myself an extra 20 minutes or so, I can stop by Panda and relive my days of eating Panda all the time. Why is it that Panda is the tastiest? It simply is. Perhaps its the most bang for your buck.

Noticed lately that my entries are less and less thoughtful. I suppose that's my life right about now; I'm not much of a thinker on who or where or what's going on, other than simply trying to fix my life right now.

That being said, if perhaps the companies didn't have to buy health insurance for their employees and instead the government took care of that (as they should, and many other things), then the companies could worry more about what they do best, then maybe these companies would be doing slightly better. And perhaps then people who wanted to be certain places would stay there, and people who didn't want to be in certain jobs would have the opportunity to leave, since they weren't held there against their will because they're afraid of not having enough money in an emergency or a fucking birth. The most natural of all the things we have happen in our life.

Conversely, in France, England, or Cuba, (and practically every other civilized country out there) has medicine for everyone. Sounds like its time to move to Amsterdam.

As Usual

I'm on my Day Of Auditioning, and having, for the most part, a great
time; I feel like a real working actor. ( I will do some minor
bitching about it also being the Day Of Sickness, but right now I'm
feeling better, sitting in a cafe with some delicious hot apple cider.
Woah, too hot!)

As usual, however, something always sticks in my amazingly sensual
craw... the theatre I auditioned in didn't have very solid walls, and
I heard the person before me, a guy not REALLY my rival, but we'd be
up for the same roles in certain circumstances. Anyway, he did a lot
of yelling in his piece, and I knew, KNEW, that he would be given
sides to study. I was right. And he commenced to studying the sides
loudly.

After I blew them away - and I am confident that I did, I was given a
thank you, a "we'll be in touch" and a smile. I walked past the large
actor and his incredible ego, knowing for sure that he'll be cast.

But this pumpkin bread makes me smile.

Botching

I'm tired of botching my career. If this were a good world, they'd see
I just misread and didn't bring two songs, simply because I was
focusing on one, and they'd realize I'm a hard worker, blah blah.

Or maybe they did, since I got a callback. I think I just had an
epiphany; my reputation now helps me, even when I fuck up an audition.
(I know I didn't really fuck it up, I just sort of messed up my second
song. And then did what you should never do, make an excuse. Whatever,
what's done is done, and it doesn't really matter considering I *did*
get a callback. Was this all one paranthetical citation? Oops.)

So my botch wasn't that bad, for sure, and I'm not dwelling on it as I
would have in the past; maybe I am getting better.

More of Nothing

Nothing to post! I love posting, but there's been nothing new. I have an audition tomorrow, monday, and a little bit from now for shotgun. That's new, that's fun. Perhaps I'll be singing tomorrow. Well, it's a definite that I'll be singing, since there's a show tomorrow night; a show that's been going amazingly well. It really came into its own from the rehearsals... with a combination of input from a really good cast and a terrific director. I've been lucky with some really good directors lately.

I think I'm going to capitalize Nothing from now on, in my life. At least, until Something happens, Anything, really. Change is coming, I know that, but for right now, I might need to affect my own change - colleges come to mind at this point in time. A new tactic. After my show closes, I'm going to double my efforts of school searching, and its going to work. Maybe 2009 will be my year...

Also, I think my big request for the holiday season this year is:

http://www.amazon.com/10-Inch-Netbook-Intel-Processor-Battery/dp/B001BY97IU/ref=pd_bbs_sr_10?ie=UTF8&s=electronics&qid=1228264647&sr=8-10

Or a Playstation 3.

Goddamn it Chief

Decided against Lucky's piece from Waiting for Godot; too long, and I'd have to cut it... I don't really want to cut something like that. It's way too weird and disjointed as is. Besides, I think theatres around here don't want to see a what the fuck monologue like that, especially because I have about 10 monologues that I could use that have a little more... you know... coherent. Woot. Why learn something new when I can bring out something old and that I've used millions of times already?

More job searching today, more BSG action too. What an incredible piece of art.

I did take a shower today, and cleaned a bunch of the apartment. It's satisfying to do some work with your hands, as well as getting clean. It's been a while; why do I wait so long before I clean myself? Simple laziness, I would say. Why take 20 minutes out of my day to clean myself? Now, a pattern emerges: work out, get stinky and sweaty so even I can't deal with myself, shower! Done.

Monica and I are also doing better; we were having some troubles, but I'm happy to be with her and see her. Even watching the live action The Grinch was a joy when you're with the person you love.

And goddamn it Chief, find the fucking Eye of Jupiter already.

I have a series of auditions coming up, and have been checking out some new (for me) stuff. Lucky's monologue from Waiting for Godot, the "What a piece of work is man" speech from Hamlet. I've been happy with the choices, but I now realize that with all the work I've been putting in lately, I wasn't really checking with my time, and have instead run out of the little bit of time that I've had to prepare. This doesn't mean that I'm not going to learn them, it just means here I go again trotting out the same old shit. (Note: shit may not be shit and may actually be pretty good pieces.)

10 jobs applied for today, including some ones that aren't on craigslist. It's getting more depressing by the day.

And now I'm eating pretzels and formatting Kung Fu Panda for my iPhone.

An Attempt

In an attempt to upgrade my iPhone to the latest software, I've had to unplug it three times; "Backing up iPhone" has taken an hour or more in some cases. I've never had this problem before, but, as always, it might have something to do with the jailbreak. However, people aren't causing a hullabaloo in the online world about how jailbreaking fucks everything up... I'm just going to let it do its thing and see what happens, and if it's impossible, then I'll simply restore it without backing it up; I can shove all my crap on there again... it's not like I dont' have all the fucking time in the world.

Been looking into plane tickets to go home for the holidays. I miss my family, I miss snow, I miss cold weather. Isn't that weird? I think that once I do go home for the holidays, that'll be my cold weather fix, and I won't have to miss it for a long time afterwards.

Also, what's up with not being able to listen to music while the phone is upgrading? It's the 21st century! Come on!

Alright, back to applying.

Publicity

I haven't disappeared, but have been extremely busy with my job* and my show, Ben Franklin in Paris, as shown by these two articles:

Davis, Rhoads, Knoll and More Cast in 42nd Street Moon's Ben Franklin in Paris

42nd Street Moon's Ben Franklin in Paris Begins Performances Nov. 28

Yeah, that's right. I'm in PLAYBILL! Exciting stuff for a little fancypants like myself. Let's hope it's the start of a huge career.

Oh, and thanksgiving was wonderful.

A Notice

Oh man popcorn is awesome.

I can eat a shit ton of popcorn and still want more. After pooping a little.

I guess I'm loopy right now from meds, but it's something that needs to be said.

But Popcorn + Battlestar Galactica = success.

love,
ben

Remember when I had a job? Yeah, that was fun. Keyword was. Fun shit with this guy. Check it out:

Hi Ben,

I want to let you know that this is not working out for me. I appriciate you giving it a try, but I am going to go a different route for this position.

I noticed a timesheet in the shop, but thursday was not completed, so if you give me your hours for Thursday and an address I'll get your payment out to you.

Thanks again for giving it a try.

John

(aka asshole)

Sick

I'm fucking getting back into the exercise regime as soon as I feel better. I'm tired of feeling like a fat slob. But for right now, snot rags and tea. Lots and lots of throat coat. Fuck me I don't like being sick. Bad timing with the show too.

Until then, I'm just going to rest my voice and relax. Maybe a short walk is in order in any case.

Oh, and I found out that Eileen (from my old job, not the cool Eileen) quit soon after I left. Sucks to be the people at my old job; should have just kept someone you can trust. Oh well, back to it.

Ugh.

This highly part time job has been thrown at me haphazardly by Bruce's brother (a good guy.. somewhat) all the while saying, "If you have a better way of doing this, feel free to do it to make more efficient." So I've been here a week, realizing that this really isn't going to be my place where I stay for any amount of time; it's just too personal. Especially because of my growing dislike for BruBro... I just don't want it to get weird if it turns into a downright stupidity match. Anyway.

Yesterday I did something wrong, not super wrong, but something that would require an item to be sent back for a refund. On top of that, my organization system (the one I had a better idea on doing, mind you) was "wrong" and we needed to have a talk about how things were to be organized in the one shot area. A little about one shots: the crap in this place that there's only ONE of, so when we sell them, it makes room for more crap. That's been my thing for the past week, going through and looking around for one shots.

Some of the one shots I've been putting up don't have specific part numbers, I was just putting what they WERE as part numbers. Mind you, I did these on my SECOND DAY here, and he has the nerve of writing me a note riddled with "we've been through this" and "we've been down this path before." Fuck that shit. I did these listings on my second day here, with no help from him, and if a part number is different (YET MORE DESCRIPTIVE) than it needs to be, then oops, I'll fix it. All I need is: "Hey Ben, I see you've been calling the Gazebo's part number Gazebo1, let's just do something like DOTS - 001, keep it like it's coming from a warehouse." OR WHATEVER.

Damn. This fucking sucks. WHY DOES THIS MAKE ME SO MAD.

So!

One week of rehearsal almost done. It seems like a lifetime, to be completely honest. So much has happened in this one week. My first week of my new (temporary?) job, we have an amazing new president, and I've been perpetually hungry as per my new tactic of being a little bit more discriminating when it comes to shoving food into my face. I can feel a difference, plus the exercise that I've been starting up again, and the renewed energy when it comes to applying for jobs.

It's been paying off... and I think I can sense the difference in the theatre world recently; not like I've been getting called back for everything, but people seem to be considering me for more leading men roles, rather than the friend of the main character, or the B character roles that often come with being a bigger guy. What a racket; I'm a great actor, and really can play any role that's thrown at me, but no on will really consider you for something like a lead until you lok like a lead. Unless you're a really different thinking director (like me, but that's just because I come from this place), and there are some out there, but for the most part, this is a good direction from me to go in.

I think I've been mentioning how great this show is for my singing abilities. Still true, still fun. And what's more interesting is that I'm really getting the choreography and musial timing down really fast. It's neat being trained sometimes, not to mention the fact that I learn very fast.

Oddness though. One of my other actors in the show needed a ride, and then awkwardly offered to drive last night. Cool! I don't have to worry about the toll and the gas, blah blah blah. But for approximently 50% of the ride, he talked about other people that he's been... not even working with... it's more just people that he likes... or maybe just want to like him. And it's not like I even know these people... It's fun to hear stories, but there's only so much success that other people get stories that I can tak before I don't care anymore. And by "so much" I mean, it's nice to hear once, and then stop talking about how people got into grad schools or are in movies, etc.

Oh well, gotta stay positive. That's the direction I should keep.

A bar in Belize

This is what I wrote - "Went to Best Buy and picked up some dual layer DVDs to burn some games."  When something stopped me.  This realization really isn't something that's tremendously wild in this world, really, but for some reason, the fact that I wrote 'picked up' rather than bought made me think of the times in college when I would always say 'picked up' rather than bought, and then I realized, back then I wanted to try and make it seem as if I wasn't spending money on these items, that by some chance they would be lying on the side of the road, and I was simply picking up these DVDs.

In reality, I bought them with my government cheese.  Still no luck on a full time, benefited job, and my agencies that I'm assigned with are even more loopy than before.  Jobs are tight for everyone, I have to keep reminding myself of this.  It's time for school though; I need to go back, and make myself more valuable in this environment where a graduate degree is required for an administrative job.  Jesus.

Or maybe it's time to pull the contingency plan, liquitate all my assets, and open a bar in Belize.  Wait, we have a new, better, amazing president, RIGHT... I should probably stay and see how this works out.

Rehearsals have been going very well.  They encourage my character to be pretty over the top, the precise acting I love, and so far I've been doing well in comparison with everyone else.  And and and, I'm really keeping the music in my head, even when there isn't anyone from my singing part there at rehearsal; I'm singing, on my own, with my own harmony line!  This may not be a breakthrough for some, but goddamn if it's important for me, especially since this is something I really want to pursue in my future career.

Yes We Did!

We did it! After hours, days, weeks, years of uncertainty and nausea, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and we have better than the best man for the job! It has brought joy throughout my entire day, and even though a little over half of Californians can die in the fires of my asshole, I still have hope that we will pull through whatever shit that the religious right have embedded in people's psyches.

However, it's not Paradise. I still have to work part time for a job that pays pennies in the bucket, I still have no prospects for future employment; all interviews and jobs that were on the horizon for me have either been non communicative or have said they're going in another direction. I love that phrase. Sometimes its true... sometimes its just something people say to be kind about the whole situation.

Odd, I get off work, come home, apply for jobs, and then try and rest as best I can before I have to zip off to rehearsal. It's an odd life for me right now. A very temporary time, to be sure; the show plus run is only 7 weeks long. I certainly wish it was longer and better paid... and was in Marin, so that it would be an easier hike... but anyway. That's a lot of wishes, and to make things better I should change my attitude rather than the environment. And it has been an amazing amount of fun... and an amazing amount of work.

So yes, bettering myself for the good of... myself. And my nation, I suppose. I've never felt this much pride in America. Ever. Hm. Maybe I'll go into politics.

Home Again Home Again

It's odd, preparing to sleep in a bed I haven't slept in for a month.. or two. It's odd. It really is. Staying at mom's, because Monica and I's house is spooky (zzz) when it's just one person there.

Things are good; I'm going to start working for Bruce's brother on Friday. Pay's bad, but it's in cash, and fun and delicious. New skills, all that shit. This will come well, especially after I just paid my student loan bill, the last one for a bit before my deferment starts.

Still feel a little weirded out about working for this little money at this time in my life. I need to save up as much as I can get. Sure as hell I wasn't weirded out about getting work. Perhaps that's why I've been... not avoiding this phone call to this company in the city, but just not super eager to get contacted with them. I have dreams and shit that I wish I could accomplish. I have dreams that I don't have to do admin shit for the rest of my life. But... tomorrow I'm going to call, and set up an interview, and see what's going on.

Aaaand, working with Kele tomorrow on music! I don't know how we're going to start, but I printed out somet stuff that I'm thinking of using for auditions. She's the teacher though, so starting at the beginning always works well.

Title

I haven't watched Criminal Minds ever, and there's probably a reason; it's not a super great show, but since Wil Wheaton was a guest star on an episode a week ago, I downloaded the episode and am watching it now. Yeeesh, hardcore shit. And I like Wil a lot, reading his blog about his technique and then watching his performance is a really neat exercise.

But fuck it this show doesn't pump up the melodrama when shit happens. Meh, William Mapother is pretty awesome too, and Joe Mantegna is pretty great. Everyone else though has the traditional Frowney Eyes that comes with a crime drama. Especially a Crime Drama. I don't think this will be a massive download that comes with my love of a series (Battlestar Galactica, LOST, etc.). A good sampling of it though, but if I want crime drama, I'm going to stick with my CSI.

Also, I can make it to the Mountain Play Benefit, a wonderful decision that makes me happy, especially if I can pull of the song well again.

42nd Street Moon starts soon. I hope I like it. I think I will.

Back again.

I think I've been hung up rehearsing and such to really update, and to be completely honest, it's been more of the same. I've not had much update from the job front, and I continue to apply for at least 10 places a day, more if I'm really on the ball. But for the most part lately, I've been having fun singing "Fantasies Come True" with Monica, and working on Goodnight, Daniel. It's going to be a good show, not a great one, but that's okay, it's a very new piece, and new pieces are hard.... the author is lucky to have a really good guy as a director, who really loves the piece.

Breast of Broadway was last night, and was really really fun. Deb said I was perfect with my delivery, but the most important part is that I had a blast. When it boils down to it, having fun was the goal of the whole evening, and when I stopped being such an ass and dwelling on things, realizing that no matter what we're going to do well, then it turned out better than we could have possibly even imagined. And seeing Monica's face at the end, full of pride and love, was the true prize for me. Plus, free booze was cool.

So, job interview this afternoon with Bruce's brother. Then rehearsal. Then I think I'm going to buy a chair. Short post, but I've always had the problem of writing less than necessary.

Oh right, we went to Vegas last week. Did I forget to mention that?

Also I'm starting to exercise again. Went back to week 3 of hundredpushups.com. I couldn't make it through the first day... so I figure I'll just repeat the day until I can. I'll try again on Wednesday. In the meantime, I'll have a walk today and try and be easy on my stomach when I get cravings for fatty shit.

It's not like I took a long break. After all, we've been pretty active all weekend.

Wow, I just went a while without thinking about theatre. Maybe I need to find more passions - variety is the spice of life, after all!

I'm Fucking Awesome

I didn't get called back for Into the Woods. I've evolved from being disappointed to being curious about who these fuckers are! Luckily, they've posted everyone who's been called back online, so I can do a little research, and for the most part, I'm a little too young for what they're looking for, and probably too old for some of their other parts. Story of my acting life. It'll be better later in life, I'd imagine, but it's frustrating now, especially since that's my Favorite Musical. Well, One Of My Favorite.

There's one hope; the post at the bottom of the page says they're not calling back anyone for a few parts, particularly Jack. This could be simply because the parts are already cast, but maybe not, and maybe I've been cast as Jack. In any case, I emailed them asking as much... well not asking if I had the part, but asking if those who had not been called back could still be considered. Wow, acting is boring, isn't it? I need to start up my own theatre company so I can have that stress.

In any case, I think my disappointment (especially because I recognize some names on that list...) is just focused in a different form now, instead of pouting, I get curious. This is not to say I don't pout, that still happens a lot, but it just seems like in these situations I don't feel that emotion draining-ness that I've felt so often. Maybe it's a natural evolution, and maybe someday I really won't feel curiosity or poutness, just the general bummer and release, as you realize there will be more opportunities, and maybe ones that will come when you're better trained. As an actor, it's being prepared when luck strikes; that's something you can control. And because I talked through my bummer, I'm feeling better, and is why I'm Fucking Awesome.

I'm wearing a necklace I bought in hawaii

Just got called into Impact to read for Lysander. Kind of a funny situation, but it should be interesting. And besides, I'll be able to get myself seen there; always a good thing. I do indeed love that theatre, and hope to work there someday. Also! I have an audition this Friday for Into the Woods. I don't know what to sing yet... I'm debating between "No More" or "Unworthy of your Love." Either would work; I sing both pretty well.

So anyway, this post isn't a long one, I have to leave in about a half an hour in order to get to the workshop thing absurdly early like I usually do. Meh, maybe I'll leave at 5:15. If I'm late, I didn't make a monetary reservation. Man. Why am I so weird about this thing tonight? I'm just nervous. We say we like change, but it's always a little odd and scary. I'm of course worried for the worst, that this teacher will be weird and belittling. But you know what's the strangest? Totally nervous about working in front of people; part of the course is to be on the mic during the evening.

Whatever though. If it goes well, I've done something good with my life during this downtime. And if it sucks, I'll never have to see them again. Funny. I barely have enough cash right now... I don't know why I'm doing this tonight. But. It is pretty cheap. That's the benefit of going to one of these pickup workshops.

And 15 places applied today.

Sigh.

Does anybody read this? I guess it's a personal journal.

Last night was pretty bad. It's been a while since I've had my time wasted like that for an audition... or anything for that matter. I won't go into details, since I did my bitching last night to Monica (thanks!), but it's safe to say that they lost a pretty good actor last night, unless they give equity points or something. I mean, they do have a good reputation, but it doesn't help if that reputation is flushed down the toilet in an night of disorganization and making people wait only to not see them. Seriously, I sang 3 songs for them at the audition, did they need me to drive 30 miles just to see me sing one more? Whatever, I'm done with it.

My plan for today was to go to the DMV and finally get my license changed to a California one, but I read that Wednesday at 10:30 is the best time to go to the DMV; presumably, by Wednesday, people are working hard on some project at their jobs, succumbing to the pressure of work like I did for so long. So instead, I'm going to continue the job hunt (3 so far this morning) and pride myself the fact that I cleaned the apartment a little this morning.

I'm obscenely excited for the rock poster festival this weekend; Monica gets press passes or something for being with the Marin History Museum, and I guess I get to come and be eye candy. Honestly, that's what this outfit's for, right? Although the crotchless panties really ride up... what are you gonna do, it's a free ticket! The rest of Saturday's going to be a little hectic: pumpkin festival, and then going to see Tony n' Tina's Wedding at Pier 39, to study for my new show. Buahahaha. I assume it won't be a long evening, and I should probably check to see when it starts. 7. I would have gone at 8. Thanks blog, for making me take a look!

Nothing else. I lead a boring life now that Midsummer's over. At least I have a ton of new friends.

Did not put enough peanut butter and jelly on this peanut butter and jelly sandwich

Pretty much the title is what's been going through my mind as I eat my lunch. What was I thinking? Was I thinking we'd stretch the pb&j longer than necessary? I opened the stuff for the first time this morning. I'm a fool, and now I only taste bread with a hint of the joy that should be beneath the two slices. Also there looks like there's mold on this bread. Yum. We have to eat this shit fast. Not literal shit though, that would be grossness.

Oh! I just came up with an idea. BRB.

Idea implemented. Booya.

So anyway, I have my callback for La Cage aux Folles tonight. I hope hope hope they really consider me for Albin - the Nathan Lane role in the movie. He's the intelligent, cool dude. And I can finally play a part that's written as gay, rather than put gay subtext in the lines. Awesome. I don't do that all the time, just when it's fun.

And Midsummer is over. Closing night was fun, if a slightly unresponsive audience. And I already miss my new friends that I made throughout this run, and I'm already jealous that some of them are now working at Berkeley Rep for their next shows as understudies. But bleh, it'll happen for me someday, and they deserve to succeed. They're great people. (How's the new 'tude workin? Haha!)

Currently I'm studying my songs and sides, and in a bit I'll look over the script for Goodnight, Daniel. So much stuff on my plate, it's weird to think that this is over, but I have so much left in the year, and so much coming up next year, hopefully... In any case, gotta keep plugging along and enjoy myself, and enjoy this break from the working world to help pushing myself into a positive place in my life.

When it rains.

Had my audition for Tony n' Tina yesterday. Blew them out of the water, got a call today saying they want me for a role. I'm going to see the show next Saturday and see if I like it, if I want to be in it. I've done some research, and from what I've heard is that if they like you now, they like you for a long time, and that you can take breaks from the show in order to pursue other projects; they have tons of people they can call on for a performance. 50 bucks a show. Not bad.

I still haven't figured out what my schedule would be, but I think I'm going to call them tomorrow to see what's going on, and talk to them about when I would start, what I would play, etc. Even though I'm sure they'd talk to me on Saturday about the whole thing. Needless to say, I'm pretty excited - there's a lot of stupid theatre in this world, but getting experience at a long running thing like that, experience with improv, dinner theatre, and tourist theatre... it's something that I need to learn if I'm going to stay in this business for any length of time. So yes, excited. Plus, I'll be working right next to that mini donut stand. Delish.

I was just sidetracked for 15 minutes reading some stuff about video games. This in turn happened because I'm easily sidetracked when I'm a little drunk. The drunkness happened because I went to a bar tonight after the first act of Midsummer. I didn't do the second act because it's raining pretty hard here and it was getting dangerous. I've never had a show called after the first act before, but I felt pretty good about it, and pretty good about the beverage I had afterwards with a MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYER friend of Joe's. He loved the show, and will come back on Sunday to see the rest of it. He plays for San Diego. He loved me. It was neat to be in the presence of a bit of a celebrity, even though I don't like baseball. He seemed to like me as a friend, and honestly, I'd consider us getting closer to friendship... maybe acquaintanceship.

In any case. I'm still a little buzzed. Hence the fact that I had to retype that last sentence thrice. Thrice. I'm weird.

Okay, less type, more relax.

2 in one day.

I'm leaving at 6 to go to this stand in thing. I hope it's fun; I'm a little apprehensive about this whole stand in thing. I mean, if they needed a stand in, wouldn't the stage manager do it? But whatever, helping is helping, and having a few bucks in my jeans is fine enough for me. Just have fun is my new thing. Is it? It is. At least that's what I'm trying to be.

Wow, Eureka's on in the background, and a really cool scene just came on. Wow. I'm sad I missed this show... or maybe not, since now I have all of them and can watch SO MUCH AT ONCE. And now this next scene is really good. What a cool show. Makes me feel better about the state of entertainment now a days. And that I have a place in it eventually. For example, do you remember when they used to make fun of fat people, like really make fun of fat people? You don't see that much anymore. Or at all, except maybe in some show that has bad writing. We're finally evolving. Let's hope that keeps up. Besides, fat people are sexy. Our bodies are hot, no matter the shapes.

Tomorrow I have a day full of fun. An interview for the Mountain Play for some kind fof work, not sure if it's just stuffing envelopes or actual admin stuff, but hopefully it'll be competitive with... Starbucks or something.

Aaaand, I just got an email from 6th Street Playhouse saying that they want me to audition for La Cage Aux Follies. Not sure if I'm quite prepared for an audition like this, especially since it's a huge dance show, but, it would be a nice free workout this Saturday. I'll think about it and send them an email tonight, why not? It seems more of a step in the wrong direction for my career though, plus it's a fucking long commute. Perhaps I've just given myself an answer. We'll see how I feel later about the whole thing. In the meantime, downloading the music to check out the style of the piece to see if it's something I want to be a part of.

Oddly Very Disappointed

Didn't get into the St. Louis touring thing. I didn't think I would, given the strangeness I've been given from the people in charge there, but whatever. The funny thing is, the response from them was such a copy paste email saying, "actors from Chicago or Louisville often times come in and audition in person." Yes, people do come from places other than the St. Louis area, but I called specifically to ask if I could submit something electronically, and they said yes. Their other excuses were the normal ones: we need to make an ensemble of 25 characters, needs to be tight knit, etc., but as its so often true, they probably just saw that I lived here, and didn't give me a second glance. Either that or they already have their fat guy. Because of that, I have a feeling if I did audition in person, I wouldn't have been given a callback.

It's no point being bitter, and I'm not, but it's just strange how I can figure out what their thinking so easily. Maybe it's different. Maybe they thought I was spectacular but just couldn't use me. After all, I think I'm spectacular... maybe it's just a monologue thing. Maybe my monologues just aren't as wonderful as I think they are. Or maybe it's the fact that I'm living 2000 miles away at the moment that gives them pause when casting me. Or maybe they're just shallow. Sure, lets say all of the above. Although, I do think my monologues are pretty rockin, if I do say so myself.

Tonight I'm doing some stand in work for Rocky. I'm not too sure how to feel about it. It's with friends, but they won't be there, and I hear the director's a bit of a give an inch, asks for a mile type. So dunno what's that going to be about. I'm just happy I get to help out my friends whom I see very little of now a days; our circle just doesn't intersect.

Man, why am I so bummed at the St. Louis thing? It's not like it would have been much. Maybe it's me missing where I grew up, and this would be an opportunity to work and play there every day for a little bit. Plus equity points, that always is appealing.

Just on my mind

Why is it that when some asshole gets a role that I want, I just blow it off saying luck, but when one of my friends that I actually respect gets some role (or anything - job, toys, sex), I get incredibly jealous and reserved. Shouldn't good people be the ones receiving rewards? I believe so. I wish everyone who worked hard and were talented did get cast (or employed, entertained, laid). I say this in theory, but for some reason, it makes me feel really strange when my friends - good friends whom I've been talking with for a while now - are succeeding, and I'm... well. Not.

Then again, when assholes get roles, I feel pretty shitty too. But, laying on the stage yesterday, waiting for some monologue to be over, I had a bit of an epiphany. Or at least a reconfiguring of my thoughts. I'm going to try and be a nice guy. Sure, I won't be a complete nice person if someone kicks me in the face, and I'm never going to buckle.. but if someone's doing something I don't personally agree with (but is legal, etc.) then whatever, it's not part of my life, and I don't need to worry about it. Just keep going!

In that style, going to look at some auditions coming up.

Cake Portrait

A To Do List (Thanks Monica!)

Today my schedule is

1. Work on lines for Goodnight, Daniel. I've split my part into three sections, I want to have the first down solid by the end of today.
2. Take a shower. (Done!)
3. Record monologues (at least 2 takes to see how it changes) - Edmund, King Lear; Bottom, Midsummer; Launce, Two Gentlemen of Verona.
4. Send monologues to places via email or YouTube - probably YouTube.
5. Frantically look in mailbox for unemployment check.
   
6. Sigh.
7. Pout because there is no check.
8. Look for work.
9. Ukulele.

My biggest event of today is working on my monologues, and now that Tim's gone, I can get that done. I'm going to stop procrastinating and just do it.

I wish I was getting paid for my work.

Just finished week 2 of hundred pushups (I had a few false starts a while ago) when I decided to check my email. A few weeks ago, I had to drop out of a few reviews because I was sick, and honestly I really didn't want to go to the bayview district to see a show. Luckily I was indeed sick, so I couldn't go and get shot somewhere in San Francisco. Anywho, the editor is bugging me about going back to see the shows, and wasn't taking my hints, so finally I said I had been trying to fit it in my schedule, and wasn't able to (I'm so busy... right), so that someone else should go see these shows.

I'm in an odd place, really. This is really a job, and if you don't do part of your job, you get in trouble. However, I am a volunteer, and aside from making fun of my schedule, I am busy in most nights; if there were some day shows, I would love to go, but really... don't want to go to bayview right now. And those other shows? Yeah, I can't make them. My excuse is that I have paying work to go to. A reimagining of the truth, but I an argue that my nights working on finding a job is paying work. Either that, or I'm just getting tired of this. Getting tired of not getting paid for my work. Whatever. This may be an ending to my reviewing days, but who the hell cares? I saw some good shows, so I think I'm ahead of the game.

In any case, today I am a little busy. Going to walk to the post office, then the library, then back here. Then, driving to my computer and hopefully recording my monolougues today, to send them off to St. Louis for that shakespeare shit that they're doing. It's been hard for me lately, seeing many of my friends getting cast or in the very least getting called into places. Would it take them too much to just have me come in? I don't really even need to be in the show (but that would be nice), just some opportunity, people?! Is that too much to ask?! In any case, I've been sending out my stuff to theatres, so hopefully that'll pay off in the long run... and if not, I'll keep on bugging theatres, and they'll keep on saying they can't come out and see these shows, even though they say "oh yeah, tell us when you're in a show!" Some help that is. However, you could argue that it is just showing them that I do get cast, and if I keep on reminding them of that fact, the simple fact that I am a working actor.

Bleh. I'm worried about the magazine. But whatever. If they give me an ultimatum, it's simple - I have paying work that I can't pass up. And really, I can't afford to go into the city and see a show I didn't really want to see in the first place.

This Post Turned Into Something I Dislike

I worked it out. If my check doesn't come tomorrow... or today for some stupid reason, the next time I'd probably get an answer would be on Tuesday. I hate this. I mean, I like the money from the government, the money that I rightfully deserve because I'm awesome. Anyway, I can probably make it through the weekend and survive. Almost. I'll have to really think about it, but that's what happens when you're as lazy and spend as much money as I do.

Other than that, I'm getting through the last season of Kim Possible. And then possibly (ha!) start them over again; it's such a really cool show. Too bad the video games are lacking, but that's usually the problem with video game spinoffs of things like movies or television or burger franchises.

Also had to go to the unemployment place today and have a job searching class. There was a neat little workshop that they advertised on the "Hidden Job Market" talking about how only 20% of job openings are advertised, and just about 80% of the people who need jobs are going after that... and there's blah blah blah too many people going after the jobs that are posted, but this huge amount of stuff goes unseen. I may take it, but then again, I may just start calling some places around here and inquiring about open jobs, talking to people with informational interviews and shit.

So anyway. This fucking post turned into something about job searching. What's up with that?

To break the ice, I'll say that this new Gilette Fusion razor is off the fucking hook. More blades equals more awesomeness. Also, I'm excited about going to do the show tonight, and that I've done some good marketing of myself over the past week. I do need to go over my lines though, and KP and blogger are certainly keeping me from this task, but meh, I'll just do it at the theatre. Also hopefully Beth will stop at some delicious fast food place so I can eat. I hate not eating, and it happens more and more lately. I know it's just stress, mostly from not having my check and not having a job, and just strangeness going on in my life right now. Anyway, tomorrow I'll work a little more on making some press packets to some places I've forgotten.

Got the review done, it's a good one. And today I looked at some of my old reviews, and gosh darned it, but I have a pretty good writing style sometimes. Others, well, let's just say it could have one more revision. And I'm still hungry. And this post is a little boring, now that I read this. Whatever, 's all good.

Oooh, Ron turned evil again! Gotta watch this pretty awesome fight scene.

No really, you can't make this shit up.

I called the unemployment office today to why my check was so late. After an amazingly circular voicemail system where I needed to set up a pin, include my social security number, and kill the child of the Third Born Demon DELORAX, I found that my check was mailed on September 9th. Glancing down at my screen, it says today's date is September 19th. Not a good sign. Pressing 0, I waited for a cheerful helper. I was greeted with a fast talking mumbler.

Welcome to the unemployment office how can I help you.

I have a problem with my latest check; I've never received it.

socialsecurity number, address, name, phone number, and the soul of the demonspawn's child.

Here ya go.

okay, it says here yourcheck was sent on september 9th.

Yes, I checked that in the automated voice system, and I know if it hasn't come in 10 days, I should call.

you should call aftertoday. if it doesn't come todaythen you shouldcall.

Well, are they mailed from California? I mean, a letter only takes so long to trave--

Of coursethey're mailed from california! This is the california unemployment office, we don't outsource to anywhere--

I understand that, but 10 days is a long itme for a letter to be circling in the --

We don't outsource anywhere so if the check doesn't come today youshould call.

- Insert another minute or two of this circular argument.-

Eventually, I gave up; she wasn't budging, and I couldn't wrap my mind around her not even thinking that 10 days just in California could be a long time. But really, you can't make this shit up.

Change In Me

Several things I need to accomplish today:

1. Write the review for The Full Monty. Micro review: wicked awesome.
2. Call unemployment about check that's a few days late.
3. Profit.
4. Probably take a shower.

I'm going to try and write some of the review on google docs; I used the site before when I was working on my UNLV paper. Gosh, that was actually a pretty good paper, now that I'm looking back at it. In retrospect though, it needs a little work on it, and that's what I've been doing for the past 20 minutes. Fixing some issues, changing some sentence structure. You know, the usual thing that I would have done if the paper wasn't do that very same day. Ahh college.

Sometimes it's easy to forget how fun it is to warm up one's fingers in the morning before some writing needs to be done. Stealing a page from Neil, warming up in the morning with some typing, hopefully saying something profound, and then leaving, to write some masterful material! For me, it's just semi masterful I should say. Masteresque.

Exercise Log plus other

Huge walk from San Anselmo to San Rafael today, and before that some crunches and shit. I'm getting skinny, and I'm proud of myself. Now to just stop eating everything in my sight.

As usual, my life has been on repeat. Lately I've been very disgruntled with my friends' success in pretty much everything. I have one friend successful in everything, I think. Examples: Drew - Music, Jayne - Acting, Monica - Job of her dreams. I am happy for my friends, for sure! And honestly, I'm not a super musician or historian like two of the three, but goddamn if I'm a good actor, and a pretty spiffy singer. Things will turn around, especially with Drew's meetings with some pretty awesome companies around here, to bring Crazy to the Bay Area again next year, with really great companies. Hello Original Cast! Oh please please please. WOOooooOooo.

Stepped up the publicity for myself as well. I've been actually calling places to get jobs/acting work, rather than sending my resume and such into the wild blue yonder, and hoping things get better. Being proactive is the key. Especially since my unemployment check hasn't reared its beautiful head lately. I figure they don't really rush those out to help their citizens with troubles that might be going on in their lives. With that in mind, back to phone calls.

Bloger.com is a geneaology site. Did I spell that right?

My editor at EDGE is giving me some shit about rescheduling and not being able to get to the person on time to cancel my tickets for the show in the nastiest part of San Francisco the other night. I kindly reminded him that my schedule is full, and hinted at the fact that I do this for free. The attitude may come from a bad day or whatever, but I have a feeling he doesn't realize that since I'm doing this as a volunteer, he needs to realize that I'm not at his beck and call. And even if he paid me, it still is common human decency to help people out when they're not feeling well. Honestly though, if he was paying me, it would be slightly different since, you know, we all need money.

No, this isn't going for another rant about how I wish I had a job (because I do) or how I need some money (yeah, need that to), but I just want to document that it's still going on in my life. I'm trying every day, around 20 applications a day, with cover letters roughly tailored for what their looking for; I'm not trying to reinvent the wheel every time, ya know. The tough shit is that I'm trying really hard, and nothing's coming from it. My mom says that looking for a job is a full time job, which honestly is what I'm doing. Today I'm starting some follow up calls at some places I'm really interested in; maybe it's just been busy for them.. every single one of them... So as of right now, every entry on craigslist is the purple "already looked" at, instead of the fresh blue "this might be it" entry. Mocking me. Fuck you craigslist.

As I was writing that last paragraph, the commercial for the digital television transfer that's happening next February came on. I've been seeing these commercials for about 5 months now, as well as news stories, articles in the New York Times and the Chronicle, and shit tons of other places. It's simply odd to me how people focus on this, rather than things that may be important, like, oh say, health care troubles, the war, education troubles, or anything that matters in this country. Literally anything matters more than television. Literally. My jaw literally hit the floor.

I'm still wearing the purple shirt. I guess my walk, sweaty as I might have been, didn't dissuade me from wearing it again. Anyway, tomorrow I'm going to wear my vest to the event. Hopefully it'll be pretty fun, especially for a vested handsome man like myself.

You put the Ego in Incogneto.

Jeffrey, our producer, is well deserving of the receiving end of a punch to the nuts. This has been in my thoughts lately, specifically when he gives strange instructions to our cast and adds shows when there wasn't any scheduled. This has caused me to behave in a, how shall we put it... not as nice manner when it comes to interactions with him. For example, on stage the other night, I added a line, "try to stop me!" when he cut a line of mine. It was funny at the time, but when later in the show I snapped my fingers as if to encourage him to go a little bit faster. My conscious has been feeling a little bad about this.

However, upon further thought, I realize that nothing so far has been able to change Jeffrey and his hideous acting (or lack thereof). Hector himself wasn't able to get through to him, and there was 4 weeks of rehearsal of him to try and get his shit together. I doubt it's really possible, honestly. The best we can do is continue to do our best, and continue to have fun with he parts we have, and try to ignore the shit that's around us.

In some cool news, David is directing a show at COM, and I'm in it! It's only a one act, so there's not much to remember, but it'll be fun to do, and I'll get to do another play in the meantime, a brand new one, originating two roles, cool! I'm a fan of bragging about myself when I originate a role, even if it isn't in a professional capacity. Anywho, it'll be fun, and apparently Carla, his mentor on this project, is really cool, and is a good friend and one of Monica's favorite professors. Also, COM isn't a bad place to work; their theatre is pretty badass.

Also! ALSO! I totally got a beta pass to Mines of Moria! It's downloading as we speak! Fifteen more hours!! Jesus. I bet it's totally worth it, but in the meantime, I really can't play any other game that involves online play; it would be epicly slow from the download. And I was going to have some real lotro gameplay today, AND I can't really play Spore because that's on the Mac side. So it's back to Kim Possible. Woot! Although I'm sure I can do a little bit of Half-Life 2 or Portal. Whatever.

It was also a fun evening last night: Monica and I had some quality time (no innuendo), and I worked on my marketing packets for myself. Included were some hand written cards, a flier for Midsummer, the review that called me "tremendous," and headshots and resumes. Pretty excellent packet, if I may say so. Sent off to 11 places, and I was able to get a walk to the post office and mail them, and walk to the library and return those overdue books. This, of course, was after I started over hundredpushups.com; I had been way too lax with that in these weeks.

Monica's event is coming up. I'm excited for it to be done. Then she'll be full time at her new job, closer to home, and definitely with a better attitude! This is not to say that she wasn't happy last night, but it just seemed like an oasis in the middle of a horrible, nasty, huge desert full of unsupportive people.

Anywho, I'm wearing a purple shirt.

Possibly

Kim Possible makes me happy. The writing is amazing. Voice acting is amazing. This is what made me want to become a voice actor, particularly because there's more than just the same three voices you hear in cartoons now a days. Well, except for Patrick Walburton, but then again, he's amazing, and fits into those parts. And if he really wanted to do something different, I'm sure he would, but if I had a talent like that, I'd stick with it as much as I could.

Other than the short vacation to northern northern California, it's been mostly the same. Walking, Uke, looking for jobs. Surprisingly less work on my video gaming lately. I still love my games, it's just that I've been not in the mood for anything more than watching some Kim and do some Uke.

One other thing that I've been stressing and then not is my horrific dropping of the iPhone as we were going through the Drive Through Tree. There is a huge disfiguring scar on the glass of my beautiful precious. It did put me in a cranky mood for a while, but for some reason am now charmed by it. Mostly since my phone still works perfectly, and no glass has gone into my face. Yet. Can't wait for that.

With my latest unemployment, I recieved an Appointment Notice. I'm supposed to go to an Initial Assistance Workshop in a couple of weeks. Here's to hoping that I actually get another job before I have to go to this thing. However, it might be useful anyway; they're programs set up for the ever growing unemployed.

Der. What else? Filming tomorrow. This script is not getting into my brain. And the parts that ARE in my brain are really stupid. What the hell did I get into? Sigh. The problem with these writers is that they don't understand what actually is interesting and what isn't. No one cares about these people! There's no conflict, and when there is conflict... who the fuck cares? Ugh. I'm just frustrated. He's been incredibly nice about the whole thing, including shit like meals and such. But you know the problem? The problem that gives me pause is that I'm not being paid, and I have a feeling this will never be picked up, because of the aforementioned doesn't matter-ness. However, if it does get picked up, I'll just make sure to learn my lines more than just the day before.

Anyway, going to watch more Kim. Oh, and if you see Monica, tell her I love her, and that she's going to be fine, and she'll be through this shit soon.

Called hector!

About SM work! At least I'm on his mind now!

Nothing much else to report. No new stories are coming in since there's nothing big going on in my life right now. I did take a MAJOR walk yesterday from San Anselmo to San Rafael - about an hour and twenty minutes of pure wonderful. On the way there I passed by the San Anselmo hub and some homeless guy slowly put out his hand to me, as if wishing for a mid-high-five. I didn't give him one.

In other news, I want my goddamned equity card. I've gone through this before, but I'm just bitching again. Wish I could have it right now.

That's it.

Stuck on Repeat

Repeat lately. Jobs, exercise, reading, jobs, gaming, Monica. Those have been my days lately, and except for the odd job interview or the shows to keep me busy, that's been it. Fucking economy. It's not like I want a job, and it's not like I'm not trying, it's just that things are not falling into place. Plus, the unemployment hasn't kicked in yet... so yeah. When that starts up, I'll be a little less hideously scared about what's going to happen next in my life. Until then, I'll keep up the cycle. (4 jobs applied for so far.)

CSI's on in the background, and it's the dominatrix one; so tired of this one. Yes, she's hot, and yes she's powerful and blah blah blah. But I'm tired of her overacting. It worked the first time, but it makes me bored every time afterwords. And my feet are cold. Also there's a lot of overacting going on in this show.

So yes. Nothing new going on. Not even any new auditions really. Not that I haven't been looking for those as well. It's just. Stagnant now. Here comes that word again. I worry when I start tinking of that word.

Things are Aok

Things are doin' fine. My back hurts though; stress from this weekend and the lack of a job, I'd imagine. Not for lack of trying for a job, mind you, just a lack of people wanting someone. It happens.

Our official opening weekend of Midsummer has rocked hardcore. It is, by far, the most amazing version of the show I've ever seen. I would have said ever worked on, but it's the only Midsummer I've worked on, so that's a little tough to say for sure. I had a little drama backstage 2 nights ago because I said something stupid hanging out with the guys, and that consumed me for a little bit, since I didn't realize it was that bad, especially since I apologized right after. But people react differently, and sometimes my different way of thinking and the sort of "let it go" attitude keeps me from realizing that people's feelings get hurt a lot easier than mine. Apologized, and now it's hopefully done.

Anywho. Nothing much else to report. I'm just taking a break in applying for jobs. Hopefully someday this will all seem like a nice break where I've given myself plenty of exercise. And also hopefully I'll be able to find something I actually like.

Sigh. Back to it!

Remember when I wrote here every day?

Been lax, yes, and now I'm only writing when there's stupid drama in my life. But you know what? I really don't want to record this for posterity, especially because I've done my best to make everything better; and if some people don't realize and respect that, then it's THEIR fault, and they're losing a good friend.

I guess the gist of it is that I was an asshole, apologized, and they didn't accept it. Whatever.

Water's on today, gonna take a much needed shower.

Oh, and no jobs yet. Gr.

Catching up

I await my downloads to be done with a little impatience: I want to play my games, and I really can't while the bandwidth is being taken up by my musicals streaming their data down from the interwebs.

Don from my internet show, [deleted], is contacting me, saying they're going pretty slow in shooting today, and that if I'm flexible to start after 2pm, that would be terrific. I know this is how film goes, just a lot of hurry up and wait, but the problem of other film is that one gets paid. This is frustrating, especially considering that I don't want to be there throughout the evening, and I actually have other things to do throughout the night. Yes, it would be neat if it caught on, and if it did, I will be the first to say oops, and that I gave it too little support. But that will be when I can live from it. Lets hope it comes to that.

Anyway, whenever I call or text back, I get no response for about 20 minutes, and then get a message back, along the lines of... "Can U come after 2PM?" Which, of course, I've already answered.

This is, most definitely, a labour of love for a lot of people involved, most of all Don. But honestly, he needs to be in better touch with who he's using, especially since we're volunteering for this project. Whatever. I'm not going to go up there today until he says something definite.

Job hunt is going alright. Still looking, a few bites, but no one has flipped out their checkbooks. On top of that, I'm feeling huge waves of jealousy from a bunch of people in my cast, people who I really shouldn't feel jealous about; we're not the same type at all. The problem is, they're getting all these pretty terrific parts, all over the place, honest to goodness equity roles, and I'm still stuck BEGGING other companies to even consider me for just an audition. Makes me jealous and angry and such. You know how it is. And I'm hungry, so that doesn't help.

At least one of those things I can fix.

A Little Bit of Joy

Midsummer has been going very well. Rehearsals rock, and our latest (second) preview was excellently attended by my most wonderful friends. I'm having a blast with everything going on in my life right now, even my job hunt is pretty fun, and progressing very well - at least 10 places applied to a day. Plus, my ukulele work is going pretty well. Just slow. I am such a beginner musician.

I could go into bitching about everything else; there's always shit going on in my life. However, last night something really cute happened. I was in my full Ass Head regalia, and these tiny kids walked by with their dad, not seeing me at first, and then turning their heads with a slight look of surprise which turned into joy. Apparently I look pretty awesome as a giant ass. I waved at them, and they laughed as if it was the best part of their day, which it might have been.

It was a fun day.

The Outage

Is supposed to happen now; I was going to type, but it's going to be GONE SOON. So I'll type later.

Kisses.
Ben

Cathing Up

Been keeping myself busy with rehearsals and looking over lines and such. It's been a busy week, for the most part; busier than I was when I was actually at work. It's fun being unemployed and actually getting things accomplished in my life. Maybe I should start my own business called "We Get Shit Done, Inc." where we will just get shit done, with plenty of video game playing time allocated throughout the day.

Anyway. My show has been going great for the most part. We still have some clunky actors involved, and Hector's working with them, so it's been getting better and better. The only problem with the show right now is that when I get home I'm really hyper and my energy is so up, especially after tonight, that when I see Monica, I just want to romp and play, and she wants to go to sleep. For good measure; she's tired. But it's just strange as to how busy I've been and how awake I am right now. For example, I just tried to sleep for the last hour, and failed miserably, eventually getting up because my foot itched way too bad, and therefore I had to put some Tea Tree upon it. It feels dried up and lovely right now. Also, a glass of wine is involved, so that may help me in a bit.

Today I wound my way to Nelson Staffing, after a response from Tim and his mailing list from Nelson. It's for a receptionist for Dominican College, really close by. It would be a good job, but I don't think they want me; I can't make it in for the full day on Monday because of my filming and my other interview. Hopefully that's more successful. I did, however, fill out their tests, and found out I do 95 words per minute. A shit tone more than I usually do. Fun. So now I'm in their system, and hopefully they'll think of me when they have other jobs. I should have a temp thing within the week.

One more glass. I really need to relax.

My Day

Rehearsal tonight seemed like two steps forward one step back. While Hector is still, indeed, the best director I've ever worked with, he really needs to step back and let us get to 10, as he always says. We need time to get to that point, and his directions are really amazing, sometimes it gets to be too much, when we have great stuff going on. Why do we need to pull stuff out or change perfectly good things? He's just being a director who's bored. It happens. I did however really go over the top with some of my stuff, so that was fun in the end.

Today was good. I worked on my lines, and applied for about 20 jobs, all the while working through a shoddy internet connection through earthlink. I totally even didn't play any video games today. Can you believe that? The one thing I love to do all the time, and instead I spent my entire day applying for jobs, getting a smog check, and going to the DMV.. and tomorrow I need to go back to the DMV! Wow! Fun shit! I hope tomorrow I have a job; tried to set up an interview for tomorrow afternoon, but I haven't heard anything back so far. Maybe they've already hired, maybe they hate me, whatever, I just know I will find something. OH! And I applied for unemployment.

Woo. One glass of wine has made me tipsy already. I have really a weak constitution when it comes to alcohol. And you can tell that I'm tipsy because I used words like constitution and had to retype this sentence 3 times while my typing gets back to normal.

Anyway, to bed.

In Which He Mostly Bitches About Not Having A Job

Day two of unemployment. I've applied for roughly 20 jobs and it's not even 3:30 yet. It rocks to have all the time in the world to apply for another thing I'm going to hate after two weeks! Yay.

Goddamn world.

Anyway. Got my car smog checked today, because the DMV says you need it smog checked! Another bit o' money, and then another bit o' money to transfer the title over to me. Sigh. This wasn't that hard when I had a job and really, honestly, didn't worry about money. Here we go then. I need to find a job, and hopefully that will happen sooner than later. Until then, I've applied for unemployment. And am continuing to apply for jobs. This Friday, hopefully I'll also have an interview with a temp agency to get my name back out in the temping circuit. Funny phrase, that.

So a little nervous, but I'm okay for the time being, as long as I stay on top of things. Getting a job is a full time job, after all. Also, Perfect Timing found me a job pretty quickly after I applied with them not too long ago, hopefully I can recreate that experience and get something quickly. Alright, going to email them and set up a time to go in. Here we go.

Keep an ear out for jobs, will ya?

Unexpected Presents

Tonight I was given the night off from rehearsal, and tomorrow, rehearsal is only until 1! Therefore I can get out and run down to Pacifica to officially buy this goddamned car earlier than usual, and make it back in time for possibly a hot date with Monica. I shouldn't say possibly, it should be probable. We need to go on a hot date that actually happens, not one that ends up us not going to the city because the traffic is so bad. Maybe up to a mid range restaurant? We like eating...

I've officially become a Tool. I spent the better part of this morning writing some thank you cards to all these assholes here. Some not assholes, but mostly its to the higher ups saying what a joy it was to work here, and great jobs are because there's great leadership. Completely out of my ass. My ass is pretty vocal when it needs to be. But it's something you need to do, like swallowing (your pride) and sucking up to casting directors or agents or workshops, it's just what you have to do. Might as well keep the swallowing (of pride) in practice and do it here; I have to swallow (pride) enough in the acting world.

It's an odd dichotomy though; as actors we are supposed to have pride, but we need to know the humility that comes from not getting cast at all ever in a million years oh my god i'm never getting a part again. I think I'm getting it down, and the more people I meet, the more I realize it's a completely universal trait; I'm happy to have more friends from this show that think the same way I do. This has been a Good Thing, and tomorrow I'm going to ask Hector if he needs any tech help, specifically stage managerial tech help, for his shows coming up this season.

Still very much worried about what I'm going to do after this job: so far, no one's called me in for an interview. I think it's back to temp work for a while, and focus on starting my school career; I think I'm going to sign up for some classes at CoM, and maybe a few workshops around the area. Who knows if it'll do anything good, but at least I'll make some friends, and there are a few non theatre (yes, I know, WEIRD) classes that I want. Maybe even an... yes, I'm going to say it, accounting class. I'm more likely to take a flash class though, get started on the way of computers; that's where everything's headed anyway, I'm tired of being out of the loop. First thing's first though, I need a vocal coach.

But not right now! Right now I need a granola bar!

Try as I might, I can't seem to find a reference to the new animated Batman that's out. I thought it was called Tales of the Dark Knight, but that's not it; I'm always redirected to The Dark Knight, which is fun to read about, but still, not what I'm looking for, people! I want a nice, fine way to try and legally obtain in downloadable format, these great things shows. I'm sure there's a torrent of information out there just waiting to be found in tiny bite sized chunks.

The Drowsy Chaperone was amazing. More than amazing. Spectacular. What makes me laugh a bit is that it's succeeding in every single way what Moon has been trying to do for years (and failing, because of the lack of respect of their actors, did I mention my new name was bitterman?). It was an amazing performance by everyone in the cast, and even though at some points I could see how true broadway stars would be better in the roles, it is just a touring company after all, and I had a grin on my face the entire time, so they did something right. It's the kind of show that makes me want to continue to do theatre; if something like that exists in this world, I can help make some good art too.

The downside for all of that is that I missed going to the photoshoot yesterday for Midsummer. Photoshoots are perhaps one of my most favorite things about being in a show; you get your name up there, and there's documentation that you did something, there, right there, on a website or some shit like that! Remember when I was Bottom? There it is! I rocked. Don't believe me? There I am! I know there's probably going to be another photo opportunity at some point, but it's still sucky that I don't get to be in the promo shots. Kind of disappointing yes, but I'll be fine, of course. And there will be documentation somehow.. SOMEWAY!

Tired! Going to zone out.

There's a firing happening in the conference room next to me.

My goal for the past few weeks was to apply for at least 5 jobs a day. For the most part, I do it, and have applied for 10 or more a day for the past 3 days. Pretty fun stuff. Hey, at least it keeps me away from doing the previously mentioned nonwork that I do here. It's been okay so far, aside from the silly things that Leah's been saying. Obviously she's wanted me out of here as much as I've wanted to be out of here. Good thing she's passive aggressive; for the most part I can just ignore her.

Of course, my other goal was to walk during lunch, and that's not been too well. But I've been busy, so that happens.

Good news though! Completely off book for Midsummer! It took me much less time than I originally planned, I just had to plug away at it and the roadblocks vanished! I wonder how our minds work like this; one second the monologue won't get in your head, the next it's there solid like some sort of rock like thing. It's the magic of theatre. Now if only I could get behind actually working harder at rehearsals. For the most part, I've been doing the same thing over and over... my goal for this week is to add some more humanity, and conversely, some more equinity to him. Last night I was just so fucking tired. But that's what I gotta do.

Woo 4:20! Time to... sit here and be bored for another 40 minutes.

Fucking Days

This morning I was awoken by the dulcet tones of the Futurama theme song from my phone. Glancing down, I saw "Joan Scout," and then slightly above that, "7:13." Fuck if I'm answering that, I thought, coyly. No doubt it was about her car and my purchase; indeed, we had been having some troubles in contacting one another on the phone. I admit, I haven't been the most easy person to contact, but then again, I have a full time job as well as another full time job as an actor, while she... is a stay at home mom. With another stay at home mom. Suffice it to say that my day is a tad more busy than hers.

Don't get me wrong, raising a child is busy, important, and honorable work. However, so is theatre, and working to try and raise money to live. And they... well they have all the money they will ever need. So there's a little bitterness. Who cares?

I listened to the message. "Okay, Ben, this is getting ridiculous. We need to settle this, now." Oooh, I thought, sounds like a deathmatch. "Either you need to get the car from me or you need to bring the car back to me, but it needs to be done now. We're sleep training right now, so our nights are really busy, and I don't know if we can do it in the evenings. So yeah, call me back so we can figure this out." Very hostile.

Huh, thought I, it almost as if she didn't have another car that she could drive.

My way to work was fought with boredom. Then, upon coming to work, I received an email, found last night:

"I do ask that you remain professional until the end. It is inappropriate to make an appointment and not return, no matter where you work. If you're looking for a job, you need to do it within reasonable business hours, just like anybody else - people usually do this before or after work.

Also, please minimize browsing on the net. There is work to do - such as filing, installing that Mayline for A, etc.

l"*

I have been remaining professional, but if I have opportunities, I will jump at them, like always. It's just that they simply did not ever really support my art, so I have to lie about where I go and what I do. I'm tired of that, especially in the waning hours of my working here. And I've received little respect from them, it's hard to be overly nice in an environment such as this. Also, I do get my work done. But when it's done, I surf the internet. After all, there's nothing else to do.

Yes yes, of course we could make our own work, but why bother, really? I'm leaving in a little over a week. Who do you know ever really pushes the limit the last week they're there? Especially after being laid off. What a silly girl.

Also that Mayline is TOTALLY the wrong style for the table it's being installed on.

---

My audition went pretty well yesterday, but there was another strange anecdote: "Since I always sing the same songs for you, I decided to work on another song, it's not quite ready, but I could give it a shot."

"You should sing a song you're comfortable with."

"Sure, of course! But I was just thinking, you hear the same song all the time."

The blonde non actress producer piped in, "You really should have 6 songs you could perform for us!"

"Well, I do have over a dozen songs I could sing for you, but they're pretty contemporary."

"You really need to learn some songs of this time, it's good to have a couple."

"Well, that's why I'm learning this one!" (It reads a little more sarcastically here, that's what I was going for, but I was more jovial than sarcastic.)

So I sang my normal song. It went well. Very well really. And I read fine, and danced wonderfully. It just leaves an odd taste in my mouth (as usual) that first of all their reputation of ostracising people from shows for being unable to do them (family emergencies, etc.) as well as... attacking is a strong word, more like ridiculing, people who come in, unpaid, actually paying to be there - talking bout bridge and gas money - and then this shaming. I'm sorry we can't all live fully from our art and therefore have time to know a hundred different songs from the EXTREMELY LIMITED place of theatre you're taking from, and I'm sorry I can't pull something out of a hat, and I'm sorry I can't sing with no characterization like you do, it just looks like this is what you're going to get.

They need to shut the fuck up and learn to work with actors. Have auditions on Sunday and Monday evenings. Not in the day when people WORK FOR A LIVING. We know this is what you do to live, GOOD FOR YOU. I am jealous. Someday, I hope that to be me up there, being a dick to someone, but you know what, it will be on a night that's convenient for them.

---

Other news, the photoshoot for Midsummer is tonight, even though I've had a conflict on the schedule for 3 weeks now. They said it was okay for me not to come tonight, but I know in their heart of hearts they would love to have me acting like an ass (haha, I'm so witty) for them and to make the Titania look better. So, I'm going to try and move my tickets around to tomorrow night for Drowsy Chaperone. What could be the problem? I don't think there will be one, anyway; I just need to get the person on the phone and tell them. I think leaving messages is out of the question right now.

Anywho. I'm an actor, not a reviewer. So in any case, I will be going to the photo shoot. Unless I don't.

*Names abbreviated because I felt like it.

Quickly Now

I go in 5 minutes or so to Moon and another one of their Will They Waste My Time auditions. My answer based on previous events: yes. I should stay positive though.

I'm so tired. I'm about to fall asleep, which is exactly what I will do when I head on back. I'm not coming back to work.

And off I go.

Last Full Week

Here we are! My last full week at SWA! How do I feel about this? Pretty good, actually. Still worried about the whole finding a job thing, but for the most part I'm happy that this is ending, and I'm happy that they made the decision for me, rather than I did it myself. Because of that, I can be happily on unemployment for a little bit. Wow, hungry all of a sudden; gonna go grab a snack.

And of course, Elaine is gone even though I have to leave now to get to my *ahem* "Dentist Appointment." Whatever, I'll be late and say I had to run from work. Sucks though, wish I could leave now.

Anyway, I have an audition tonight with Theatreworks, and an audition tomorrow for 42nd Street Moon. I'm staying positive and realistic, and I'm going to give them a show and do my best, even though it might be a waste of time. Well, to be honest, it's never really a waste of time getting my face out there; even if they don't use me, if I keep plugging it they'll remember me more and more. Besides, I can brag about it to Hector.

I guess this is a short blog entry; not feeling too hot today, so I'm going to zone out for a bit and just focus on my job.

Oh, also I saw The Dark Knight last night with Bruce. AMAZING.

WTF Mate?

Joan originally, as you recall, was going to sell me for $500, well under the bluebook price, which she also knew when telling me she would sell it to me for $500, of $2000. Nice. Very nice, I thought. I've had the car for a while now, and as you recall, I received the car back in April. She has been very generous about letting me use the car, but from what I can tell, she hasn't been really missing it - I've received NO phone calls of any urgency from her until recently.. and that probably was only because I called her like 5 weeks ago.

Anyway. It sucks. My plan is to call her back today, after our brief conversation ("well, I have to check my funds.") and tell her that because of the repairs I paid for, and the repairs that it will need in the upcoming weeks (breaks, probably), that I simply can't afford the extra $500, and kind of budgeted myself for just the original price. If she gives me shit, or time to pay, or anything like that, I might just stick to my guns and say I can only pay 500. It's what she agreed upon, she's just being greedy, and that makes me sick. They are incredibly rich. Super rich. Not just oh, let's go to hawaii for a few weeks rich like my other friends are, they will never need to work. Ever. And she was poor for so long... I just think she's lost perspective on what it's like to be a normal peon.

Whatever. I'll call her and leave a message later.

Jesus, just found out a friend of mine might need surgery on her collerbone from a fall earlier this year. Shit. So much for 2008 being nice. Lets hope it gets better. Or at the very least let's hope I get a serindipidous call from someone asking me to run a theatre company. That would be fine too.... still waiting on that call, friend.

We're always meanest to those we're closest to.

Well no shit, it's not like I've stumbled on some secret revelation here, but still, it always makes me angry how we're meanest to those we love. Anyway, she did give some good advice, but I'm simply tired of everything that's going on in my life: midsummer, losing my job, etc. and I think everything caught up to me last night and today, making me Cranky McCrank. And when I'm cranky, you know something's wrong.

I just finished doing an edit of my resume. It's now about a page and a half long, with references it's two pages. I've been doing a lot of reading about resume etiquette, and all of them say that one page is great, two pages is perfectly acceptable as well. So that's pretty cool, and I'm using it. There's just so much of me that I have to offer! Ugh, that made me feel weird saying that; way too cynical for this shit. Anyway, I am actually pretty excited about this edit; it's sort of a combination of the one I have been using and the skills style resume I tooled with earlier. Thus making it longer, but still, in the virtual world, it'll be fine.

Bruce and I are planning on seeing The Dark Knight sometime this weekend, and I couldn't be more excited. YEEAH. Then I will probably be seeing Hellboy 2, which I am equally excited about - super big fan of the comics! Woo hoo spending money I don't have! Let's all celebrate that.

Quiet sobbing.

I think I finished memorizing my lines for Midsummer. Now I just need to run them with friends and in rehearsal. Honestly, it's just about plugging away at them, even when I was feeling shitty about it and thinking that I was making no progress, I still worked hard on what I was doing, finally getting to the point where they were coming naturally. I'm happy that I did. Also, that I worked on them so much earlier than some other people are. I started memorization about a month before rehearsal started, so I had a good chunk of the first act down when we walked in, it's just getting it on its feet now. Fun fun shit. This is going to be a pretty fantastic show, and I don't feel that way about just any show.

Auditions coming up. Sunday is the callback for Rocky Horror - not prepared. Monday is TheatreWorks - pretty prepared, but will go over monologues this weekend. Tuesday is 42nd Street Moon - not prepared, but will go over on Sunday. They, yet again, are holding their callbacks in the day time, not respecting their actors normal work schedules and keeping people longer than they need to be. I'm tired of them wasting my time, but honestly, what can we do? I was called in, so I'm going to go in, that's that. I think I will send in an email asking if there is any other time I can come in, saying my schedule is incredibly busy or something next week, but if I need to, I would go at that point. Just wish it was in a few weeks; after July 31, won't really matter when audition times are.

You know what though? I am going to email them; it doesn't hurt to ask, and I've come out for them enough... maybe they'll be around later that evening for some auditions.

In any case, that's what's going on. You know what else is strange? My lines are coming along, but the hardest ones are the Pyramus and Thisby scenes, and I talked with Snout last night about it, and he said it's because they're poorly written. He's totally right! Normally, Shakespeare's lines are so easy to get into your brain because they make SO much sense when you're really thinking about them, but these, Shakespeare purposefully wrote bad lines for the play within the play, and THAT'S why it's hard to understand. It made a lot of sense when he said that. It was fun to think about, in any case.

Um, nothing much else. I'm going to try and take a shower before rehearsal tonight. Scratch that 'try': I WILL take a shower tonight.